
Asking Why to Chronic Pain at Age 22

The Seminary Gender Gap

There were many instances when I and others around me fell toward the latter pole. Is God disciplining me for some reason? I wondered. Then I got angry because I felt the punishment was undeserved or at least unfair compared to the (seemingly) easy lives of my friends. Once, after receiving prayer for healing at a church we visited, the woman praying looked up and asked, "Are you harboring any unforgiveness?" While a legitimate question in the abstract, the link she drew between physical and spiritual well being put me off. From my own experience and those of many others, this is not a generalizable principle.
Sometimes I abandoned spiritual explanations altogether and wandered off on scientific and medical rabbit trails: Perhaps I had a genetic disorder that caused my joints to injure more easily than normal. Perhaps it actually all started with my gut and the antibiotics I had taken when I was younger. Even if one of these explanations was the case, though, I was always left with the question, But why me?
About a year after the pain started, the burden of existential despair subsided. I'm not sure why. Partly, I was just tired of asking God questions that he wasn't answering. Also, I began to stop my thoughts from wandering too deep into the past and future and focused instead on the present. Today, over two years later, I still have some pain, but have improved greatly in mobility and pain level. Again, I'm not sure exactly why. Was I healed? Was it time? Was it the physical therapy? Was my body finally able to recover once I released my viselike anxiety over it? All of the above?
It is tempting to try to connect all the dots. I want to be able to look back and discern some cause and effect. I prayed, I trusted, then God answered. I surrendered my life, then God gave it back to me. Or, at least, I took these supplements for three months and followed this stretching regime religiously, and now I am better. Sometimes, this is the case. But the scores of dark, painful days, treatments with no seeming effect, and silence from God keep me from being too quick to assign meaning to anything.
I believe there is a meaning. I know God loves me and cares for me and won't in the long run let me down. That's what gives me the hope to get up another day and face life's unpredictability. But I can't presume to know precisely what that meaning is. At least not yet.




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Brieanna Winkelmann
The physical pain that people suffer from seems to be greatly addressed in this article's comments... The thing that struck me was your admission of the depression you suffered from and what it did to your personal life. I am 21 and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 18 years old. Of course I suffer from intense physical pain on a daily basis- that's the disease. What I struggle with is the depression and the effects of having something hinder my life in more than a physical way. Even my best friends don't really understand and try to "fix" me. I don't blame them, they just don't know what else to do. I still struggle most days with the emotional rollercoaster but there is one verse that has always given me hope. John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." The peace in him truly is the most miraculous thing. We just have to remind ourselves to take heart!!
Kevin Calegari
When I was in college I experienced the most excruciating sciatic pain that started the morning I woke up from a cold night of sleeping in a cabin with a very light blanket (during RA training). Go figure. The problem was sporadic yet disabling when it acted up. Needless to say it affected my work and personal life significantly for a good ten years. Now 20 years later I don't experience this pain anymore and haven't in years. There's always hope and God knows what we can handle. Offer this suffering to Him and in due time He'll take it away. If not there is a holy reason for it. Never despair and pray the Rosary!
Marie Gregg
I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome in 2010. It is so difficult to put words to something like that; to try and explain pain to those who don't live with it day to day. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that God is always present and that one day perfection will come and pain will end. Until that day, we wait. We hurt. But we are never alone. I will pray for you.
NoVA Reader
Thank you for your courage and honesty. We all want the answers, the conclusions, the lesson to be made clear. When there are no answers, it hurts. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Siyi Feng
Thank you so much for this article. I went through undiagnosed stomach pain for several years starting when I was 22 as well, and I have asked so many of the questions that you have asked, and thought many of the same thoughts. I always tried to find the lesson that God was trying to teach me in it. My stomach has gotten a bit better since then, but my health overall is still poor. It was encouraging to read a perspective from someone who is suffering and younger.
Doug Knox
For heaven’s sake, people, give this poor young lady a break. She’s shared her soul, and the majority of you kick her around Job’s comforters. Some (not all) of these comments show as much compassion as a mouthful of dry oatmeal. Thank you, Liuan, for giving us a window to your pain. I am well into middle age, and the mere prospect of chronic pain and diminishing motor skills scares me. I can’t begin to imagine what you suffer. The only analog I possess is a several-month period when a knee inflammation kept me up at nights, a blip on the radar screen in comparison to your situation. I will not presume to throw advice at you. I salute your courage, and will be praying that God might remove this burden from you.
Carlos Ramirez Trevino
Read 2 Corinthians and it all seems so pertinent. Thanks. Also, this is a good article on pain and suffering. Colossians 1:13 -"For he has rescued us from THE DOMINION OF DARKNESS and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..." The liberation from darkness is eternal. We are now clothed with the corruptible (1Cor15:50), but He will not leave us naked (2Cor5:1-5). We are engaged in a battle (Eph6:12) and just the mere fact that we are a part of it is significant. During Desert Storm not all soldiers were in the battle field. Some were elsewhere in more hospitable environments. But without them those in the field would have been destitute. Ephesians 3:10 "His intent was that now, THROUGH THE CHURCH, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms..." Some suffer in the battle for the eradication of evil more than others, but it is all part of the same purpose. Don't give up!
Carlos Ramirez Trevino
Why some suffer and others don't is a difficult dilemma for Christians. My comparison is to soldiers dedicated to the defense of a nation, principles, and liberty. Like soldiers, Paul tells us, to put on the armor of God (Eph6:10). But above all, we must be willing to fight the good fight. But to put the suffering that results from the battles in perspective, we need to understand why God created heaven and earth. The simple answer is to abolish corruption, sin, decay, pain and suffering. Heb10:5 opens this window of understanding for us by revealing that before time began 2 Tim1:9, while in the planning stages, God decided that He could only end wickedness by creating an instrument in His likeness to have a body through which to defeat sin (Dan9:24). Like soldiers recruited to battle corruption in creation, we suffer, but we press on knowing that Christ is the victory. We are more than conquerors in Jesus. James 1:2-12, Consider it joy when you suffer. We are soldiers of the cross.
Barbara Bates
The Bible never tells us that God will not give us more than we can bear. At one point in his ministry, Paul was so burdened that he despaired of life itself. Why would God do that? Read 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 to discover the answer. It's really quite radical.
Luke Mills
This is a really good essay. Thanks.
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