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Asking Why to Chronic Pain at Age 22

Asking Why to Chronic Pain at Age 22


Jan 9 2013
As troubling as the pain itself was how meaningless it seemed.

Somewhere between August and October of 2010, I stepped off the tracks of "normal, everyday life" into the no-man's land of chronic pain, then depression. At age 22, I started feeling a sharp, niggling pain in my left ankle every time I walked. After some months of unsuccessful treatment and fed by my own fears and anxieties, the pain gradually expanded into a black hole of existential despair that sucked away my hope and zest for life.

It sounds melodramatic. But anyone who has been in the throes of unrelenting physical pain knows the hard truth: Pain eats away at your personhood. Elaine Scarry, in her book The Body in Pain, lucidly explains that pain destroys language, because it has no reference to the outside world. Whereas other states of consciousness have an object – "love is love of x, fear is fear of y, ambivalence is ambivalence about z" – pain just is. Pain escapes our ability to explain in words and shrinks our world to the parameters of our body.

The language-destroying, meaning-escaping essence of pain perhaps terrified me the most. "What does it mean? Why is this happening to me?" I kept pleading to God. My fresh-out-of-college self was ready to take on life's unexpected adventures, but just not this one. Being sidelined by an insidious injury that didn't even result from some exciting feat like mountain climbing or salsa dancing was an anti-adventure. It lacked a plot line and forward momentum. Writing to a friend about my state, I told her I felt like I had fallen into an underground cave and was stuck there while people walked, danced, and skipped along overhead.

When people tried to comfort me by telling me that my experience was just part of life, that everyone suffers setbacks and losses, this scared me even more. I'd like to think that life is somewhat predictable, that if you exercise regularly and eat well, you won't come down with cancer or inexplicable joint pain. That God won't let people who love and trust him suffer without some word of explanation. But some health nuts do get cancer. And God does sometimes remain silent.

But even if God isn't speaking, humans cannot help trying to piece together a narrative. It's our nature. Viktor Frankl describes in Man's Search for Meaning how, even in the most dehumanizing conditions of a concentration camp, people still found meaning in their existence. I think there is a difference, however, between living out of the trust that there is a deeper meaning and putting words in God's mouth.

Comments

Displaying 1–10 of 12 comments

Brieanna Winkelmann

February 06, 2013  12:20pm

The physical pain that people suffer from seems to be greatly addressed in this article's comments... The thing that struck me was your admission of the depression you suffered from and what it did to your personal life. I am 21 and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 18 years old. Of course I suffer from intense physical pain on a daily basis- that's the disease. What I struggle with is the depression and the effects of having something hinder my life in more than a physical way. Even my best friends don't really understand and try to "fix" me. I don't blame them, they just don't know what else to do. I still struggle most days with the emotional rollercoaster but there is one verse that has always given me hope. John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." The peace in him truly is the most miraculous thing. We just have to remind ourselves to take heart!!

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Kevin Calegari

January 25, 2013  8:23am

When I was in college I experienced the most excruciating sciatic pain that started the morning I woke up from a cold night of sleeping in a cabin with a very light blanket (during RA training). Go figure. The problem was sporadic yet disabling when it acted up. Needless to say it affected my work and personal life significantly for a good ten years. Now 20 years later I don't experience this pain anymore and haven't in years. There's always hope and God knows what we can handle. Offer this suffering to Him and in due time He'll take it away. If not there is a holy reason for it. Never despair and pray the Rosary!

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Marie Gregg

January 17, 2013  10:03pm

I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome in 2010. It is so difficult to put words to something like that; to try and explain pain to those who don't live with it day to day. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that God is always present and that one day perfection will come and pain will end. Until that day, we wait. We hurt. But we are never alone. I will pray for you.

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NoVA Reader

January 17, 2013  12:39pm

Thank you for your courage and honesty. We all want the answers, the conclusions, the lesson to be made clear. When there are no answers, it hurts. Thank you for sharing your truth.

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Siyi Feng

January 16, 2013  10:55pm

Thank you so much for this article. I went through undiagnosed stomach pain for several years starting when I was 22 as well, and I have asked so many of the questions that you have asked, and thought many of the same thoughts. I always tried to find the lesson that God was trying to teach me in it. My stomach has gotten a bit better since then, but my health overall is still poor. It was encouraging to read a perspective from someone who is suffering and younger.

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Doug Knox

January 15, 2013  1:56pm

For heaven’s sake, people, give this poor young lady a break. She’s shared her soul, and the majority of you kick her around Job’s comforters. Some (not all) of these comments show as much compassion as a mouthful of dry oatmeal. Thank you, Liuan, for giving us a window to your pain. I am well into middle age, and the mere prospect of chronic pain and diminishing motor skills scares me. I can’t begin to imagine what you suffer. The only analog I possess is a several-month period when a knee inflammation kept me up at nights, a blip on the radar screen in comparison to your situation. I will not presume to throw advice at you. I salute your courage, and will be praying that God might remove this burden from you.

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Carlos Ramirez Trevino

January 13, 2013  12:21pm

Read 2 Corinthians and it all seems so pertinent. Thanks. Also, this is a good article on pain and suffering. Colossians 1:13 -"For he has rescued us from THE DOMINION OF DARKNESS and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves..." The liberation from darkness is eternal. We are now clothed with the corruptible (1Cor15:50), but He will not leave us naked (2Cor5:1-5). We are engaged in a battle (Eph6:12) and just the mere fact that we are a part of it is significant. During Desert Storm not all soldiers were in the battle field. Some were elsewhere in more hospitable environments. But without them those in the field would have been destitute. Ephesians 3:10 "His intent was that now, THROUGH THE CHURCH, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms..." Some suffer in the battle for the eradication of evil more than others, but it is all part of the same purpose. Don't give up!

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Carlos Ramirez Trevino

January 13, 2013  9:53am

Why some suffer and others don't is a difficult dilemma for Christians. My comparison is to soldiers dedicated to the defense of a nation, principles, and liberty. Like soldiers, Paul tells us, to put on the armor of God (Eph6:10). But above all, we must be willing to fight the good fight. But to put the suffering that results from the battles in perspective, we need to understand why God created heaven and earth. The simple answer is to abolish corruption, sin, decay, pain and suffering. Heb10:5 opens this window of understanding for us by revealing that before time began 2 Tim1:9, while in the planning stages, God decided that He could only end wickedness by creating an instrument in His likeness to have a body through which to defeat sin (Dan9:24). Like soldiers recruited to battle corruption in creation, we suffer, but we press on knowing that Christ is the victory. We are more than conquerors in Jesus. James 1:2-12, Consider it joy when you suffer. We are soldiers of the cross.

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Barbara Bates

January 11, 2013  11:55pm

The Bible never tells us that God will not give us more than we can bear. At one point in his ministry, Paul was so burdened that he despaired of life itself. Why would God do that? Read 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 to discover the answer. It's really quite radical.

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Luke Mills

January 11, 2013  1:11pm

This is a really good essay. Thanks.

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