Ruthie Dean is a publicist for HarperCollins-Christian and lives in Nashville with her husband. She wrote the top-read Her.meneutics post of 2012, "Real Women Don't Text Back and blogs at RuthieDean.com."
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Dating today in general is VERY tough. And even more so if you are a Christian. I am a divorced single mom and I have been single a while now. At first it was difficult and I felt like I just have to search for someone. And like most woman (I see from other comments) I wondered what is wrong with me? But as time went I realized my focus was so on the wrong thing! And then I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I read a most important line about doing something with your singleness instead of trying to fix it. So I gave it up. Now I do not even look. I am focused on what advantages I have being single. Especially being a single mom and how I can use that for God. I used to blame men and other women. But then I realized my singleness is SUCH a blessing =)
Apologies if a similar comment has already appeared above in this thread.
I dated a lot before I became a Christian. I didn't get asked out ONCE after I was baptized at the age of 26. Until 10 years later, when I met on a missions trip the man who was going to propose marriage to me. And he had completely given up on dating for nearly as long. We "dated" long-distance for 18 months, then married at 38 and 40 years; first marriage for both.
Seek to be where God wants you to be and your spouse will be in that place.
@Basil - You can opt to take the worst possible meaning from a statement someone makes or you could opt to try and understand what the person actually said. I think you have chosen the first option.
Philip is responding to someone who has stopped going to church altogether because some people upset her. He is only asking her if she may be called to a different place - perhaps a different church. Why find fault with that question? Or are you just being bitter?
@ Melanie Yes somethings are beyond our control. But there are things one can do to increase the likelihood of something happening. For example if I loose my job the first thing I would do is send out resumes, applications and hang round places that have help wanted signs in front of their businesses.
If this is an ongoing concern you you you might wish to look into a local Christian singles group. (Many larger churches have them) I cant guarantee anything would happen but as I said before it could increase the likelihood of meeting someone and even making more friends.
As a single 32 year old woman, I don't believe it is any man's fault that I am single. My plan was to be married between 18-20 and start having children by 22.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why could I attract guys that didn't meet my list of God approved qualities. Namely I attracted non-Christian guys who weren't shy about admitting they wanted me in bed. They didn't want a wife, they wanted a bed buddy.
Then I considered what compromises I could make. If I could find a Christian guy maybe I would allow him to go physically further if he wanted to so I could keep his attention. I quickly tossed that idea. I wasn't prepared to compromise myself for any guy.
So here I am a few years later still wondering when it is going to happen for me. I believe it is God's plan for my life because He gave me a deep desire to marry and have children.
I don't have a negative attitude towards men. I appreciate them and their place in my life. Despite being a sports-loving girl, I think I come across as feminine enough. I don't know many single Christian men. There are none in my relatively small church. I don't work with any Christian men.
The simple answer would be to wait for God to deliver the perfect guy for me to my door. I don't think it is that easy though.
Maybe we should blame Josh Harris :)
I have to admit I used to blame men from time to time for my singleness, but worse, I blamed God. I used to tell him that if he was really God he could have a great Christian man ask me out. When I was praying last year about what God was saying to me for 2012, he gave me Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Being a single woman I thought it strange that he would give me this passage, but as the year unfolded it became a challenge to me. I began to ask myself, "Am I living my life in such a way that the special man I meet would consider me God's favor?" And am I dating people that I would consider God's favor to me? Thus began my journey to becoming healthy physically, spiritually, and financially. During this period God in his loving kindness revealed to me that I was blame him and everyone else for my singleness when in reality, it was me. Hiding beneath all of the lays of masks was someone was terrified to let down her walls enough to let a real man close to me. I had to repent for all of the years I blamed God and he loving stood by my side. Now I see dating and men in a completely different light and for the first time in my life I'm enjoying dating and meeting quality Christian men who were there all along, but couldn't see through my fear. Thank you for sharing this post and your thoughts. It's hard to put yourself out there. Keep blogging. We need you.
There are a lot of factors at play in all of this. One is that many in my generation & the one right after (I am 34) have been raised on all of these Disney fairy tales & American Christianity. We have these glossy notions of what relationships should be like, & they tend to be unrealistic. I read an article about settling, a woman was talking about men she had known years ago refusing their pursuits because she "didn't want to settle." They were good guys, but not "the one." Looking back she wished she had decided what she really needed in a husband - someone who respected her, loved the Lord, & worked hard & few other things. Then she would've seen these men in such a better light. Are you perfect? No. Will he be? No. The question is will you both work on the relationship? Both communicate? Serve each other? Serve the Lord?
And another big, but often times over looked & poorly understood, issue is divorce. I, and so many other good Christian men out there, are products of broken & often dysfunctional families. We have a hard time starting relationships (at least good ones) because we have no idea what they are supposed to look like. And we do not want to continue the type of pain we went through for so many years. And we are broken, too, often not knowing it or how to address it. I didn't grasp I was from a dysfunctional family until I was 23 being interviewed by the IMB. That clarified SO much for me.
But I also have to say the guy bashing never helps. Its one thing to talk about 'a' guy & maybe how he hurt you & your experiences. But lumping guys together hurts those of us who you know are not like that. We could do the same. I got hurt by a girl who I thought I knew (we had been friends for years), & it winds up that she is manipulative & loves drama & will make it if its not there. She plays games & does not even realize what shes doing. And I know more like that. But I can not say "those women" & include all of them, since I know not all are like that.
I know I will be a good husband & a good father. I am currently dating a pretty amazing girl. She's not perfect, praise the lord, but she is good. She knows I am not either. And shes relaxed, easy going, not uptight about life. I have high hopes.
Blessings all my sisters & brothers.
Please forgive my autocorrected errors. Ha! Oh the irony. Now, which man can I blame for them??! :)
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