Kevin Simpson / Flickr
'Guard Your Heart' Doesn't Mean Christians Can't Date
When I was a single gal, I dated a number of men for a variety of reasons. For some, my reasons were well thought out and prayed over. For others, my reasons were foolish, and my motives were dubious.
In one instance, I hesitated when a young man began to pursue me. He was actively involved at church, but we were in very different stages of spiritual maturity and I lacked a peace about dating him. I dragged my feet in responding to his advances for quite awhile. Eventually a friend advised me to stop floundering and "just go for it." And so I did.
Less than a year later, our relationship went up in flames, leaving me broken and depressed. I wished I had listened to my instincts, and I wished I had followed the Spirit's leading, which had burdened me with a gnawing sense of caution both prior to and during the courtship. Although God used that relationship to grow me, the memory is marked by godly regret. God's redemption does not validate my foolishness.
Not all of my failed relationships were such a glaring mistake. Some were simply the result of mismatched souls. Those relationships were painful, but there was no one to blame, per se. Others were the clear result of foolishness, even sin. I deliberately ignored God's leading or rejected scriptural counsel, and as a result I suffered emotional fallout.
These latter bouts of personal folly came to mind after reading the popular post "I Stopped Guarding My Heart Ten Years Ago" in Prodigal Magazine. In it, Emily Maynard describes a childhood church culture that was nearly obsessed with counseling young women to "guard their hearts." She concludes that this teaching is a lie and produces only shame. Maynard writes:
At the root of any balanced, healthy, true relationship, at the heart of every heart, is vulnerability. And vulnerability can't exist when you are focused on living out a particular set of rules. The rules for "Guarding Your Heart" are both fear based and ambiguous and, as with most relationship rules, ultimately produce shame, not health. They breed shame because we can't live up to the ideal put for us: that we can be whole people while avoiding the potential for pain. Shame and vulnerability are antithetical concepts; they cannot coexist.
In contrast with this relational rigidity, Maynard chooses to be vulnerable in her relationships for the sake of authenticity. She vows never to withhold the word "love" whenever she feels it, and therefore embraces a fully alive existence in which her heart is completely "unguarded."
Auditing America's Political Integrity
Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips
RSS
Twitter
Facebook
Pinterest
Comments
Displaying 1–10 of 27 comments
See all comments
Esther Asher
@janet w. I totally agree. The article would have been better if it did not use the phrase from the biblical text in such a limited way. It's a bit of a concern that pastors/writers used the phrase as well in the way it's been described. As suggested, more proper use of hermeneutics is clearly needed. It's a great article though on opening one's heart to loves and hurts in a mature, Christian way.
audrey ruth
I do think there is a Biblical balance here -- that of guarding one's heart as the Lord teaches us to do. Young women/girls are often very romantically-minded, have very romantic ideas about guys for a number of reasons (books, movies, etc), and sometimes don't view them as clearly as they should. I think the main problem young Christian women may have is that of ignoring the protections the Lord established in His Word, including that of "not being unequally yoked with unbelievers". I've known many girls/young women who have experienced shipwreck of their lives because they were ignorant of this, or lost sight of it in the excitement of romantic attraction. Another common downfall results from confusing lust as love.
Jeremy Poe
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Jeremy Poe
I'm a dude. I've been single for all my life. I've only been on a few "dates." I never even kissed another girl. And its not because I didn't ask anyone out or "guard my heart." Its because I've been rejected 18 times in a period from my 9th grade year to now. As much I regret some of the pursuits, they are all humbling, teaching me to wait and keep my head up knowing that this could mean several things. -I am to be single because the Lord wants me to. (OR) -The lady the Lord has for me is a hundredfold better than the last. I will be a better husband, father, and companion because of the trials I've experienced through the rejections. And lastly, as I mentioned earlier, humility.
audrey ruth
Great article! One thing that comes to mind is the Biblical injunction to "be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers". I wish I had understood the import of this when I was a young adult. I did not realize then how utterly I could trust God with my whole life, every detail of it. God was merciful to me in many ways, and I thank Him every day for that, but like so many others I've had to deal with consequences which were painful to the extreme. This is an article I'll pass on to young adults I know. IMHO, it's great not only for girls but also for guys.
Aidan Herman
So much for the use of sound "hermeneutics" in this article - it is all absent.
Tim Fall
Sharon, enough people have discussed the main point of your article, so I thought I'd touch on your opening about sometimes dating for dubious motives. My cousin once dated a guy in High School because he was the first guy in school to have an 8 track player in his car. As I said, she once dated him, as in only went out on one date with the guy. I doubt he ever really understood why she wouldn't say yes to a second date. But when I asked her about it she said, "Why should I go out with him again. I've already seen his 8 track player." One of my favorite cousins! Cheers, Tim
Devon torchiana
I found this article to be incredibly wise. I think I often struggle with balancing guarding my heart and being vulnerable enough to move a relationship forward. It's easy to hold back out of fear and argue that I am only guarding my heart. In the past I have fallen into the trap of giving too much of myself to men who didn't deserve it, and now I find myself having to re-learn what healthy emotional intimacy looks like. Thanks for your insight - I appreciated your presentation of connecting with others and maintaining healthy boundaries. I blog about faith and life and love at http://hopefullydevon.blogspot.com/
JANET W
In response, I would counsel them to heed 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I would also encourage a person in such a relationship to disengage physically. One would be surprised at how effective physical space is in allowing a person to better love a difficult person. However, I would caution against "guarding one's heart" as this is essentially an unloving act. Instead, I would suggest having a realistic view of the person and the relationship, without rancor. I have found that the only way for me to truly love is to have as clear a view as possible of the other person and of myself. Difficult people are sometimes gifts to us, and can teach us much on the nature of love.
Sharon Miller
Janet W, to push a little further on this, how would you counsel people who have emotionally abusive or manipulative parents, or who find themselves in emotionally toxic relationships? When it comes to their hearts, how should they respond?
*