Dating today in general is VERY tough. And even more so if you are a Christian. I am a divorced single mom and I have been single a while now. At first it was difficult and I felt like I just have to search for someone. And like most woman (I see from other comments) I wondered what is wrong with me? But as time went I realized my focus was so on the wrong thing! And then I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I read a most important line about doing something with your singleness instead of trying to fix it. So I gave it up. Now I do not even look. I am focused on what advantages I have being single. Especially being a single mom and how I can use that for God. I used to blame men and other women. But then I realized my singleness is SUCH a blessing =)

Apologies if a similar comment has already appeared above in this thread. I dated a lot before I became a Christian. I didn't get asked out ONCE after I was baptized at the age of 26. Until 10 years later, when I met on a missions trip the man who was going to propose marriage to me. And he had completely given up on dating for nearly as long. We "dated" long-distance for 18 months, then married at 38 and 40 years; first marriage for both. Seek to be where God wants you to be and your spouse will be in that place.

@Basil - You can opt to take the worst possible meaning from a statement someone makes or you could opt to try and understand what the person actually said. I think you have chosen the first option. Philip is responding to someone who has stopped going to church altogether because some people upset her. He is only asking her if she may be called to a different place - perhaps a different church. Why find fault with that question? Or are you just being bitter?

@ Melanie Yes somethings are beyond our control. But there are things one can do to increase the likelihood of something happening. For example if I loose my job the first thing I would do is send out resumes, applications and hang round places that have help wanted signs in front of their businesses. If this is an ongoing concern you you you might wish to look into a local Christian singles group. (Many larger churches have them) I cant guarantee anything would happen but as I said before it could increase the likelihood of meeting someone and even making more friends.

As a single 32 year old woman, I don't believe it is any man's fault that I am single. My plan was to be married between 18-20 and start having children by 22. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why could I attract guys that didn't meet my list of God approved qualities. Namely I attracted non-Christian guys who weren't shy about admitting they wanted me in bed. They didn't want a wife, they wanted a bed buddy. Then I considered what compromises I could make. If I could find a Christian guy maybe I would allow him to go physically further if he wanted to so I could keep his attention. I quickly tossed that idea. I wasn't prepared to compromise myself for any guy. So here I am a few years later still wondering when it is going to happen for me. I believe it is God's plan for my life because He gave me a deep desire to marry and have children. I don't have a negative attitude towards men. I appreciate them and their place in my life. Despite being a sports-loving girl, I think I come across as feminine enough. I don't know many single Christian men. There are none in my relatively small church. I don't work with any Christian men. The simple answer would be to wait for God to deliver the perfect guy for me to my door. I don't think it is that easy though.

As a single 32 year old woman, I don't believe it is any man's fault that I am single. My plan was to be married between 18-20 and start having children by 22. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why could I attract guys that didn't meet my list of God approved qualities. Namely I attracted non-Christian guys who weren't shy about admitting they wanted me in bed. They didn't want a wife, they wanted a bed buddy. Then I considered what compromises I could make. If I could find a Christian guy maybe I would allow him to go physically further if he wanted to so I could keep his attention. I quickly tossed that idea. I wasn't prepared to compromise myself for any guy. So here I am a few years later still wondering when it is going to happen for me. I believe it is God's plan for my life because He gave me a deep desire to marry and have children. I don't have a negative attitude towards men. I appreciate them and their place in my life. Despite being a sports-loving girl, I think I come across as feminine enough. I don't know many single Christian men. There are none in my relatively small church. I don't work with any Christian men. The simple answer would be to wait for God to deliver the perfect guy for me to my door. I don't think it is that easy though.

Maybe we should blame Josh Harris :)

I have to admit I used to blame men from time to time for my singleness, but worse, I blamed God. I used to tell him that if he was really God he could have a great Christian man ask me out. When I was praying last year about what God was saying to me for 2012, he gave me Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Being a single woman I thought it strange that he would give me this passage, but as the year unfolded it became a challenge to me. I began to ask myself, "Am I living my life in such a way that the special man I meet would consider me God's favor?" And am I dating people that I would consider God's favor to me? Thus began my journey to becoming healthy physically, spiritually, and financially. During this period God in his loving kindness revealed to me that I was blame him and everyone else for my singleness when in reality, it was me. Hiding beneath all of the lays of masks was someone was terrified to let down her walls enough to let a real man close to me. I had to repent for all of the years I blamed God and he loving stood by my side. Now I see dating and men in a completely different light and for the first time in my life I'm enjoying dating and meeting quality Christian men who were there all along, but couldn't see through my fear. Thank you for sharing this post and your thoughts. It's hard to put yourself out there. Keep blogging. We need you.

There are a lot of factors at play in all of this. One is that many in my generation & the one right after (I am 34) have been raised on all of these Disney fairy tales & American Christianity. We have these glossy notions of what relationships should be like, & they tend to be unrealistic. I read an article about settling, a woman was talking about men she had known years ago refusing their pursuits because she "didn't want to settle." They were good guys, but not "the one." Looking back she wished she had decided what she really needed in a husband - someone who respected her, loved the Lord, & worked hard & few other things. Then she would've seen these men in such a better light. Are you perfect? No. Will he be? No. The question is will you both work on the relationship? Both communicate? Serve each other? Serve the Lord? And another big, but often times over looked & poorly understood, issue is divorce. I, and so many other good Christian men out there, are products of broken & often dysfunctional families. We have a hard time starting relationships (at least good ones) because we have no idea what they are supposed to look like. And we do not want to continue the type of pain we went through for so many years. And we are broken, too, often not knowing it or how to address it. I didn't grasp I was from a dysfunctional family until I was 23 being interviewed by the IMB. That clarified SO much for me. But I also have to say the guy bashing never helps. Its one thing to talk about 'a' guy & maybe how he hurt you & your experiences. But lumping guys together hurts those of us who you know are not like that. We could do the same. I got hurt by a girl who I thought I knew (we had been friends for years), & it winds up that she is manipulative & loves drama & will make it if its not there. She plays games & does not even realize what shes doing. And I know more like that. But I can not say "those women" & include all of them, since I know not all are like that. I know I will be a good husband & a good father. I am currently dating a pretty amazing girl. She's not perfect, praise the lord, but she is good. She knows I am not either. And shes relaxed, easy going, not uptight about life. I have high hopes. Blessings all my sisters & brothers.

Please forgive my autocorrected errors. Ha! Oh the irony. Now, which man can I blame for them??! :)

I appreciate this arricle. As a woman in her early thirties, never been asked out, and am nearing another birthday. Something think about is: I am not married, and I feel less than others, and someways doubt it will happen for me. But, I also remember that dating isn't easy, people have very lonely and broken marriages, and you constantly are fighting sin for not just one, but TWO people. I think: yes, I want that companionship, and I hope I am given it....but right now, it is not what I have. What I DO have is what the LORD knows I need at this very moment. It's hard to fight the insecurity of feeling like I'm not enough for someone....but, no man except Jesus can "save" me from my fears and pain. When we are tempted to utter frustration aimed at the opposite sex, we are in essence saying: YOUR PLANS are not good enough (or RIGHT)! Our God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan that no man can thwart.

@anonymous "Christians say that god isn't bound by statistics, but, if that was the truth, there wouldn't be literally millions of perpetually single women in the church. In my opinion, a woman has a higher probability of being able to get married and have a family if she has sex outside of marriage, lives with a guy, jumps through a bunch of hoops to prove that she's *good enough* to be chosen as his wife, accidentally gets pregnant, and then coerces the guy into marriage. I'm not saying that it's going to be a good marriage, but a woman living in our society has a much better chance of ending up with a husband and family using these methods rather than sitting around a church with zero men, praying and hoping that god will drop a husband through the air." God isn't bound by statistics. There is pain and heartache and suffering on this earth, not because God's arm is short that it cannot save, but because of sin. As Christians, we are called to hope and if you lived your life complaining about and fearing statistics--then you would never drive to work or have children or do anything else because of the reality that something undesirable or perhaps terrible may happen. The point is, stop focusing on the negative and start believing in a God who is bigger than marriage statistics. God can do abundantly MORE than all we ask or imagine.

@ Philip - Quote "Have you considered that God may be asking you to go to a different place altogether? Perhaps even a different part of the world?" That statement in an of itself is another response to single people which annoys them deeply. Some believe its like saying ."You embarrass us because you're not like the rest of us and we cant stand your complaining. Please go someplace else like.....another part of the world."

Sorry, just popped in to clarify: I didn't say that God had denied me marriage as punishment for character issues. Only that aspects of my own personality, such as a love for solitude, indicated to me that God had given me other priorities. I don't consider singleness a punishment. My comment about kingdom first was my attempt to explain that God's first priorities are always spiritual and meeting our other needs is secondary, though Jesus assures that our heavenly Father who clothes the lilies will also care for us. As for refusing to believe that you "haven't matured into marriage," I agree with you, and that was also my point. Single people shouldn't feel pushed out of church by supposedly well-intentioned people blaming them for their singleness. There are plenty of causes for lifelong singleness - statistical, personal and otherwise.

@Alicia - BRAVA! And no matter the statistics, it's just one person we're looking for anyway. @John 3:16 - I don't cook much, as another woman said, I don't have a big appetite and food tends to go to waste. However, my uncle married a woman who braggs about the amount of food she keeps in her pantry. Other relatives speculated that he married her because he knew she would always keep him fed, something that didn't always happen when he was growing up, and he's naturally a big guy. They seem to be happy. All to say that I understand. You need a woman who enjoys cooking and there is nothing wrong with admitting that. For myself, I'll probably have to take a cooking class once I get engaged and I hope my husband likes eating out, but I still plan to make the effort. @AnneW - I used to believe that God rewards after we've learned our lesson, but I don't believe this to be true anymore. You may indeed have character issues to resolve in order to find a husband, but it could be something very simple and fixable. I'm much older than you and refuse to believe that I haven't matured into marriage just because I'm unmarried, but it doesn't mean I haven't gotten in my own way from time to time.

It looks like another Tim posted after I did on January 3, 2013, at 12:48 PM. Just in case anyone's wondering, the Tim after that ain't me! Cheers, Tim

Anonymous, When I concluded that God had called me to singleness, it wasn't just because there were no men available, but also there were traits in my own personality and personal career goals that led me to conclude that God had shaped me for priorities other than marriage. That does NOT mean that I reached this conclusion about singleness without struggle and a certain degree of bitterness. It also does not mean that this is true for every single woman in the church. Please don't conclude that failures in our church culture (and there are many) mean God does not exist or that He has failed. The truth is that the Church is long overdue for a discussion of womanhood and marriage that does not involve breaking into armed camps and drawing lines in the sand that are not justified by the whole counsel of Scripture. We should press for that discussion and recognize with conviction that the perspectives we bring with us to church are often shaped by a broader family culture in America that is deeply dysfunctional. Anonymous, it is hurtful to hear from people that it is your own fault you are single, especially when there are many women with unattractive qualities who manage to marry. You have been told a lie, and you didn't deserve to hear it. I suspect your presence on the blog may mean that you are still aware of deeper spiritual needs than just the longing for a partner (natural as that longing is). Christ came to save you from so much more than just loneliness, and He is able to save to the uttermost. I don't think anything but marriage fills the space that marriage was meant to fill, but I do believe that Christ gives meaning and hope in spite of whatever emptiness life seems to offer. That is His first priority - the kingdom of God - all other things are add-ons. Anne

I'm in my mid-40's and still praying that God will answer my prayer for a husband. A little over a year ago I joined a "Christian" dating service. I put Christian in quotes because I had one date with a man who told me (before we had even sat down to eat - we were in the bar getting something to drink) that he had been married three times and engaged once, but had never been in love, only in lust. Then he kept on talking about our 16-year-age difference. The age difference didn't bother me; the fact you were about 60- years old and had been married and engaged that many times but never had been in love is what bothered me. I'm still praying for a husband, but I know I'm not willing to settle just to say I am married.

@anonymous - "When I used to be part of a church, I got blamed for my own perpetual singleness. One woman (married since the age of 21) told me that I was bitter. Another woman accused me of not really living my life for god. I guess it sounds a lot better than "you'll most likely remain single for the rest of your life no matter how much you serve and praise god". I gave up on god and the church a long time ago." That is sad. Let me implore you - please don't throw in the towel with God and the church because a few people in church were not understanding in their response towards you. As a pastor, it concerns me deeply that there are many good single women in the church who are having a lot of trouble finding good men to get married to - and as they grow older their prospects of marriage grow even dimmer. They confide in me and my wife and it is heartbreaking to see their sorrow and pain. There are also many women who have found husbands outside the church - or who have even left the church because of the pain they felt and got into relationships with non-Christians. The final outcome of seeking non-Christian husbands has never been good. While these women did get married, their final state wasn't better than when they were single. Many people come to me for counseling - and not all of them are Christians. The stories I hear - well, some of them are unspeakably painful. At the end of the day, no plan that we have for ourselves is better than the plan God has for us. The smartest thing you can do is to follow through with what God is asking you to do. This may sound trite - but I am stating this from my experience in counseling many, many couples. Jim Elliot's quote is so true - "God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him." Have you considered that God may be asking you to go to a different place altogether? Perhaps even a different part of the world?

I would like to add one additional reason (there will likely be many more): g) Many men - even in their 30s, are obsessed with video games - spending hours each day playing these games.. or watching games on TV. This delayed adolescence makes these men far less desirable as husbands.

"Personally speaking, I think the explanation for why men are not as readily available for marriage as was the case in the past comes down to not just one of the reasons listed above but rather a combination of all of the reasons listed above." - Philip I agree with Philip. I've read statistics that 50% of babies are now born out of wedlock, 35% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 50% of marriages are proceeded by cohabitation (with many more couples living together without getting married), and both men and women are waiting longer to get married if they get married at all. The reality is that there's a breakdown of marriage and family in our culture, and the church isn't immune to this. It used to be that if a woman got pregnant out of wedlock, she would have to go into hiding until she gave birth and then give the baby up for adoption - or have a quickie, shot-gun wedding. I knew an elderly woman who has since passed away whose parents divorced, and her entire family had to move to a different town because of the social stigma of divorce during that time period. Divorce, living together outside of marriage, sex outside of marriage, and even pregnancy outside of marriage no longer carry the same social stigma as they did in the past - even in the church. And unfortunately our entire society, including single women in the church, is suffering as a result of the degradation of marriage and family. The social pressure to encourage people to get married and stay married no longer exists. What bothers me the most about these christian blogs is that the church won't even acknowledge that there's a problem. There are several people who commented that if god wants you to get married, then it will happen or that god is waiting (or waited) to reward them with marriage after they reached some level of spiritual maturity. The reality is that we are free to make our own choices, and our choices have consequences not only for ourselves but for other people as well - and the consequences of those choices may be much more far-reaching that we could ever imagine. I read another statistic in an article on the christianity today website that 1 in 3 women in the church will never marry. I've also read (and observed) that many women in the church go outside of the church to land a husband and then either attend church alone or pressure their husbands to start going with them. Many men don't come back to the church until they get married. Most of the women that I know from the churches that I've attended fit into this category. So, I believe that the percentage of women in the church who are able to get married would actually be much lower if they only dated men who regularly attend church. Christians say that god isn't bound by statistics, but, if that was the truth, there wouldn't be literally millions of perpetually single women in the church. In my opinion, a woman has a higher probability of being able to get married and have a family if she has sex outside of marriage, lives with a guy, jumps through a bunch of hoops to prove that she's *good enough* to be chosen as his wife, accidentally gets pregnant, and then coerces the guy into marriage. I'm not saying that it's going to be a good marriage, but a woman living in our society has a much better chance of ending up with a husband and family using these methods rather than sitting around a church with zero men, praying and hoping that god will drop a husband through the air. When I used to be part of a church, I got blamed for my own perpetual singleness. One woman (married since the age of 21) told me that I was bitter. Another woman accused me of not really living my life for god. I guess it sounds a lot better than "you'll most likely remain single for the rest of your life no matter how much you serve and praise god". I gave up on god and the church a long time ago.

"Personally speaking, I think the explanation for why men are not as readily available for marriage as was the case in the past comes down to not just one of the reasons listed above but rather a combination of all of the reasons listed above." - Phillip I agree with Phillip - finally someone who doesn't attribute the break-down of marriage and family to god's magical will and provision (or lack-there-of in the case of most christian women). "Now more than half of all births to American women under 30 are born out of wedlock, and the trend in marriage-less birth is becoming an accepted reality of American life." http://articles.businessinsider.com/2012-02-21/home/31081751_1_illegitimacy-black-children-unmarried-women "34% of marriages are expected to end in divorce by the 20th wedding anniversary" http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2010/jan/28/divorce-rates-marriage-ons "In the United States, the declines have occurred among all age groups, but are most dramatic among young adults. Today, just 20% of adults ages 18 to 29 are married, compared with 59% in 1960." "Nearly four-in-ten Americans say marriage is becoming obsolete, according to a Pew Research survey in 2010." http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2011/12/14/barely-half-of-u-s-adults-are-married-a-record-low/ "Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million." http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 Single women who want to marry have, at the very least, our entire society working against them. Yet, all I hear over and over again on christian blogs is that IF god wants you to get married, THEN it will happen. This is a load of crap. Why can't christians just acknowledge that there's a problem rather than pretending like some magical god just didn't plan marriage for millions and millions of christian women? Most of the women in the church that I attended went outside of the church to get a husband, and the rest are perpetually single. I had a friend who accidentally got pregnant and had to coerce her live-in boyfriend to get married. He told her that if she hadn't gotten pregnant, he never would have proposed to her. There are some men who hold themselves to a higher standard, but, unfortunately, I think that women who have sex outside of marriage, accidentally get pregnant, and then force their live-in boyfriends to get married have a better chance at marriage than a women who sit around in a church praying for god to give them a spouse. "I'm fairly sure it's because God wants me to have a firmer relationship with Him before anyone else, and that He wants me to be at a certain stage of character development before He introduces a man into my life." - AnneW This is also an unfortunate belief of most christian women. They think that if only they could reach a certain level of christian maturity, THEN god will wave a magic wand and bring them a wonderful husband. Of course, I see them hoping and praying year after year after year - perpetually single.

Didn't anyone ever hear that a key to a man's heart is in his stomach. lol I think some of you are taking the cooking thing a bit to serious. But on a serious note. Very few women like or even want to cook today. To me that is a shame. But I know this much, the bible says this: Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. That is most definitely the truth. Didn't mean to upset anyone. Just stating a fact when it comes to me I love a good cook. That is just me though I guess.

Many men and/or women are opting out or delaying marriage because of unrealistic expectations. @ Men: Are your expectations for a prospective bride realistic and reasonable? For example, if you expect your prospective bride to behave like the Pr 31 woman, are you willing and prepared to behave like the Man of Noble Character found scattered throughout Proverbs? And Solomon did ramble on about the Man of Noble Character, although his description is rarely taught or discussed in Christian circles as something that men should strive to emulate. Seemingly, most men want a wife who will submit to them. However, are you fully submitted to God? As a leader, are you willing to lead by example and show your wife how to submit by submitting fully to God, church leadership and earthly authorities? In other words, many men want a submissive wife, but they refuse to submit themselves. What does the Bible say about beauty? How does your personal expectation of beauty differ from what the Bible says? How does your personal standard of beauty help fuel any unrealistic expectations you might have for a prospective bride? @ Women: Many people quote Pr 31:10, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." They say that verse points to the rarity of virtuous women. "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" (Pr 20:6) Likewise, that particular verse points to the scarcity of faithful men. Have you ever taken a good look at the husbands depicted throughout the Bible? Which one(s) would you like to marry? I'm guessing none because none of them seem especially loving, faithful or considerate when you look at it. IMO, only 3 husbands out of the entire Bible seem especially decent: Job, Mary's Joseph and Aquilla. With that being said, husbands who love and treat their wives well have always been extremely rare. Therefore, is it really reasonable for women to think that modern men are so different? And please don't misunderstand me my dear sisters because that is a question I continually ponder. Conclusion: Both men and women have some unrealistic expectations. Both genders need to trade those unrealistic expectations for more Biblically informed ones. Then, perhaps those singles desiring marriage would find it a more likely possibility.

Caleb and Ben: I hear you when you talk about overcoming flaws before marriage. I'm 24 yet I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I've always wondered why. I'm fairly sure it's because God wants me to have a firmer relationship with Him before anyone else, and that He wants me to be at a certain stage of character development before He introduces a man into my life.

As a woman of color, I often wonder where minorities fit into this conversation. Perhaps some amazing godly men and women are overlooked in the dating pool simply by virtue of their race/ethnicity. Ruthie Dean-I liked your article When You Marry the Wrong Guy.

I think there are many reasons why Christian women find it difficult to find a good Christian man to get married to. Across the world, the number of men in the 22-30 age group attending church is dropping. A lot of people have tried explaining why this is happening: a) The church is too "chickified" or feminised and therefore does not attract the right men. So there aren't enough men for all the women in church. b) The rise of militant feminism has made women - even Christian women, too aggressive and this puts off men. c) The wide spread use of porn even by Christian men and the self-condemnation that comes with it causes men to withdraw from church d) The marriage/divorce laws which discriminate against men makes marriage a far less attractive option for men. e) The culture is becoming more open to overt promiscuity and sexual immorality. So it is possible for men to have their sexual needs met without societal disapproval - with many more partners, than at any other time in history. This reduces their desire for marriage which may limit promiscuous behaviour. f) Women and men are both delaying marriages - and by the time a woman gets ready for marriage, her male peers have shifted their interest to women much younger than her. Also, the younger generations may have less qualms about having sex outside of marriage than the older generations and so the older men who may get into sexual relationships with younger women may have even less interest in marriage. Personally speaking, I think the explanation for why men are not as readily available for marriage as was the case in the past comes down to not just one of the reasons listed above but rather a combination of all of the reasons listed above.

It's actually true: all men ARE jerks. And that applies to both the single ones AND the married ones, to the little boys and the strapping teens and the wrinkled old men with pot bellies. But let me add--though it's harder for me to admit--all women are jerks, too. Including me. Singleness isn't really the problem--fallenness is. But praise God that he is in the business of re-making the whole sorry lot of us.

Caleb I am exactly the same way. Some very personal things I have to get through and flaws I need to lean on God to overcome first before marriage. So painful! I'd love to hear and share stories of more like us as I have been wondering if I was the only one like this!

It seems like the single guys I know are single for their own individual reasons. I'm trying to change my singleness because I dearly want to marry but the things that seem to be keeping me single are difficult, and very personal, (and seem to be unique) things to change. It might be character/personality flaws that are keeping even the godly male friends I know single. In any case, I believe we have some freedom to choose who we pursue or if we pursue anyone at all. However, I do appreciate Ruthie writing on something that is very important to many woman. I thought her conclusions were great. I don't like a lot about my singleness; and, like a lot of struggles in my life, God uses my singleness to draw me closer to Him.

I've been stumbling across a lot of articles written for single Christians lately and have been surprised to see many young, married people commenting. My friends tell me that the same thing happens in private conversation. I am young and married (24) and learned a long time ago to mind my own business. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants to hear marriage/dating advice from a twenty-something who met the perfect gal/guy when they were in college. Don't try to justify it in your head ('if it's true, then it doesn't matter who says it?' or 'just because God blessed me with marriage doesn't mean I can't give honest advice', or the popular 'I'm trying to help a friend in need'). Just SAY NOTHING. You think your spiritually mature? Prove it, and keep your mouth shut.

So what is wrong with being single? As Christians, we give lip service to Paul's commendation of single women, but we sure don't live it! As a 60-year-old, never-married woman I will be quick to admit that there have been times of frustration (I have to go to work, take the dog to the vet and Mom to the doctor's -- all at the same time -- and there's only one of me!) and loneliness and fear of the future (working three part-time jobs, none with benefits and living below the poverty level), but most of the time, being single just feels "right" to me. It's what God has called me to and I've known it since about third grade. And if these truly are the end of the End Times, (debatable point, I know), then Scripture calls those who do not have a mate or children, "blessed."

Basil, what gives you the right to tell people what they can and can't talk about because its not holy enough for you. It's God who gave Adam a wife and said "It is not good for man to be alone". So it mattered to him.... Jeremiah 9:6 Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. This is very clear that marriage is a key cornerstone of Gods vision. I do not believe Ruthie's statement would have meant that marriage is more important than God. looks like you're critising for the sake of it. There are thousands if not millions of other texts and articles to read and comment on. Why concern yourself with this one? Ruthie, thanks for the offer but I'm in London! Tim

Ruthie writes: "I believe our relationships (relationship with God and with the opposite sex) are the most important part of our lives--and influence everything else." You're equating our relationship with God ... with husband-hunting? That's seem to me like a stretch, a way to justify an imbalanced fixation on dating. Where are the articles on spiritual growth, our walk with God, living in community, understanding the Word, etc? I'm a bit baffled by this marriage fetish -- it ends up turning singleness into a pathology which is more a reflection of the author's/editor's attitudes than anything to do with Christ. Is it too much to ask for a healthier balance of articles in this section?

When you spend most of your time blaming others for your problems it shows a lack of accountability whether you are a man or a women.

Anne, You made my day! It's nice to know that there are at least two of us out there!! With everything you wrote, you hit the nail on the head!

Hi Anne, Thanks for reading & writing in. I didn't even consider the cultural context where women are looked down upon ("what's wrong with you?") for staying single and men are praised ("How'd you do it, man?"). I'm glad you have found peace in your singleness. blessings!

TIM! I'm so glad you shared. I know many guys who feel the same way when women say, "all the good guys are taken". If you live near Nashville, I'll set you up:) Seriously, I apologize on behalf of all women that you have felt overlooked or blamed. Thanks for commenting! My husband used to feel the same way.

Woa, John 3:16 if all you want is someone who cooks--that's easy to find! Relationships are so much more than checklists. If you just want a cook, hire one! Don't look for a wife.

Hi Hannah, Thanks for pointing this out...about my blog being too relationship focused. I believe our relationships (relationship with God and with the opposite sex) are the most important part of our lives--and influence everything else. I write a lot about relationships because my single readers keep saying, "more, more, more!" I don't think there's anything wrong with writing about a topic that takes up a good deal of single's thought processes (at least in my experience). Point taken! I'll think about it. Thanks!

I think that guys (and maybe gals, too) are far too tied up with looks. Speaking from experience, the beauty of youth quickly fades. If someone is picking a mate based on physical attraction ... they are bound to be disappointed as looks fade. Weight is gained, skin wrinkles and sags, and hair is lost or grays. I see this more of a problem for men, who seek to fixate on looks, and seemingly expect to attract a woman who far more beautiful than they are handsome. (I blame this partly on the porn industry and commercial media, which make it seem as if a perfect "10" is owed to every man, regardless of his attributes.

Ruthie, I have looked at a few of the other articles on your blog. I was quite struck by how relationship-focused your blog seems to be. I know that you are writing a dating book, but should we be portraying "finding Mr./Mrs. Right" as the primary goal for men and women? We are called first to live faithfully as Christians and do God's kingdom work. Marriage is indeed a blessing, but it is a secondary calling. As a young married woman in her 20s, I find posts like this (and an overemphasis on dating in general) to be incredibly harmful for both my single and married friends. Something for you to ponder

One thing I have noticed some of us younger Christian women doing (20's and 30's), that I did not notice myself until I had met and married my husband, is putting their men down in front of other people. My husband has pointed out to me (privately) how some of my unmarried friends do this with their boyfriends and I now notice it myself. I think in conversation women tease and talk to each other in a certain way that we are not sensitive to, but when we talk to our men like that in mixed company, it comes across as being condescending and disrespectful to them (think mother-child relationship). Not all women do this and not all men are as sensitive to it as others, but I think it can create a sense of dissatisfaction in the relationship and makes men less likely to want to commit to marriage. This seems like it might add to the "no good men out there" perception, when we as women could be more loving in our conversations with men.

After reading all these comments.. I am amazed that there are so few that are focused on the sovereignty of God in bringing people together. He is the ultimate matchmaker and can bring that person who is perfect for you into your life at any age. I speak from the experience of being widowed at 51 after two bad marriages. My case was hopeless in the eyes of the world. How could I meet anyone with the same passion for the Lord that I had? Someone who would understand my pain from the past. I did meet that person over 10 years ago and we live in an area with very few believers. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.. He loves marriage and designed it in the first place because He know how difficult it is to be alone. He never forces anything on us, but if we pray and wait He brings it to pass. I was 54 when I married the love of my life. I am so glad that I waited and trusted God instead of giving up. For all of those who are waiting..keep trusting Him..don't listen to the negativity and believe that He hears the cry of your heart!

Some frankly odd comments here. I care nothing if a girl can cook or if she has an independent spirit. I don't mind sharing my house, time and possessions and don't view girls as a burden but a blessing, I'd just really like to find someone I find attractive and can have fun with. On to men bashing, well your often just talking about the same people outside and inside the church, some are quiet, some noisy, some outgoing some not. What tends to happen is that if you're particularly fussy you'll often find the best looking males taken ( same for girls ). Find me a beautiful girl with a fun personality, who's open to dating and I bet she isn't single. Anyway, this is for me is often where the bitterness kicks in. I hate it when I hear a single girl say to a group including myself, "all the best guys are taken". This is a huge insult if any single guys are around. Be honest is your best guy Brad Pitt or girl Katy Perry? Just give people a chance. I'm one of those guys! I have a very good job, I'm outgoing and get a lot of interest from girls outside the church ( who I won't date ). I even cook. Guys like me are in your church why not talk to us??

When I was growing up in the 60's and Womens Liberation was taking over, there was a common saying from the anti-Women's libbers: "Behind every great man is a great women." Around the late 90's, about a generation later, we started hearing the familiar refrain "Where are all the good men?". IMHO, I think that there may be a correlation. P.S. I also remember a reporter asking people on the street if we needed women's liberation. One wise women responded that "No, we needed Men's Liberation, because they're the ones who're oppressed."

I can identify with the heartache and loneliness of being single and wanting a spouse. Before I got married, I was very lonely. But God used that time to teach me how to pray and get encouragement directly from Him, in the Word. He taught me that it was very important for me to be able to receive His love--and all the fulfillment I needed--directly from Him, instead of looking for a husband to meet those needs. And after I learned that, then He brought me a wonderful husband. To all my single sisters who may read this, I would just like to say that you are precious in the sight of God. Trust Him, and not a statistic. God has never been a fan of statistics. (Check out His response to King David's census if you don't believe me.) He says, "Behold, My hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor My ear dull, that it cannot hear." God sees you, precious sister, and wants you to draw so close to Him that you and He will never have any distance between you, later when you have a spouse. Seek Him. He will give you the desires of your heart.

As a Christian woman who is at the other end of life (over 65 and married 48 years) I have found it very interesting to read the comments from a different generation -- probably several different generations. I have been truly blessed by a marriage to a wonderful Christian man who has led our family with love and not demands. Our daughter gave me one of the greatest complements shortly after she was married. She told me that I taught her how to be a Christian independent woman yet submissive to my husband. For all you young Christian men out there.....Just a reminder that the Bible says that women should obey their husbands and husbands love their wives like Christ loves the church. It does NOT say that women should be submissive to ALL men. Some Christian men use that to indicate that they are superior. I spent some years home raising our family, then as they got older I was an entrepreneur and had my own business. This was a successful business which included travel and consulting in my area of expertise. I was fully supported in what I did by my husband. He was my strongest cheerleader. We are now enjoying retirement together. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership, but a 100%/100% relationship. There will be times when you carry one another -- physically, emotionally, and maybe financially. If either one goes into a relationship saying the wife should do that and the husband should do this, you are not going into it 100%. Our goal is to seek to glorify God whether it be married or single. When we put that and our relationship with Him as our priority, He will put the pieces together and we will have a blessed life.....married OR single.

Young men are reluctant to get married because they do not believe marriage is a good or even a fair deal for them. It has to do with divorce or "frivorce" where at any time and for no reason at all, other than she is unhappy, the woman can simply file for divorce and cash in her chips - gets house, 1/2 husband's pension, etc.

Perhaps Christian young men are so reluctant to date early in life because they believe they must shoulder the full financial responsibility of a marriage and family. This spirit is responsible but may be short-sighted and not account for a potential wife as a partner in all aspects, including income-earning.

As a 60 year old man I can say - not flippantly, either - that some things never change. In my first youth we suffered (yes, suffered) the same as youth do today: we didn't know how to be young men or young women. We lacked experience, we were new at young adulthood. Our only experience was being younger, not older. And our role models more often than not came from Hollywood. But I always remember what my mother used to say, "Don't put an old head on young shoulders." And she was right. Maturity is a process that takes time. Now if I could go back - I can't, I know - but if I could, I would do some things differently: one thing I would do differently is I would focus on learning what a real man is like; I would not leave it up to chance. And I would ask for help, too. (I am a notorious liar when it comes to telling myself the truth, so I need someone to tell me the truth.) I would find a church or a parachurch where there were real men and real women, married and single, who were living and breathing biblical role models of masculinity and femininity, and I would covet their friendships and imitate their faith. The corollary to this is I would also steer away from potential friends/mates who are "unstable" (not to be confused with "immature") in the faith. I would also get the majority of my education out of the way before marriage and get my finances in order, too. I would also build disciplines and routines that promote physical and spiritual health. From experience I've learned marriage does not fulfill people, nor does having children or grandchildren, nor does having a career, nor does having all the money I need. Only one thing truly fulfills us - and if you've read this comment you already know what it is. Oh, and one last thing I would do differently, I would develop friends early on who are handy with tools and learn from them how to maintain a house and a car. But, as the old saying goes: "I youth only would; if age only could."

Re: "free sex." I've read enough in the "manosphere" to know what men mean by this. They are talking about women who have sex with men without commitment, especially outside of marriage. I don't like it either, because it implies that when a man marries a woman, he is buying her. You will often hear men talk about how women give away sex for free to "alpha males" when young, but then require "beta males" to wait until marriage.

John3:16 About that cooking comment- I do understand where you're coming from. However, let me just share with you a few things you might not have thought of. As a single woman living alone, I don't cook very often. It's frequently a waste. I don't have a very large appetite, and if I cook, I have more leftovers than I can eat before they go bad. Since I don't particularly enjoy cooking, and hate having to clean a huge kitchen mess up afterwards, I don't. Should God grant me a husband, I intend to be more regular in my cooking as a service to my family. My mother doesn't particularly like cooking, which led to quick and easy recipes growing up, but we never lacked delicious food.

P.S.... I thought this choice of words in the article was interesting: "Christian women in general are still... not giving away free sex." I'm not sure that's a very good choice of words. It implies what? That they do or would give away sex for a price? It lends credence to the notion that "all women are prostitutes in one form or another."

I have four children; three of them found their mates in their teens and were married in their early twenties. My "single" child is beautiful, amazing, smart, successful - e.g. homecoming queen and all-state and all-american athlete in high school, played D1 athletics in college, graduated magna cum laude, and she now has a great job. Most of all, she follows Christ with all her heart... she mentors a middle school girl, she volunteers at an old-folks home, etc. She's only 23, but I'm sure she looks at her siblings and wonders "what's wrong with her." She asks me if her standards are too high, and I tell her, "Of course not." My advice to her is to keep running after Jesus with all her heart, and then look to her left and to her right and see who else is running to the same place as fast as she is... and then to just wave and say "Hi!" My daughter is a true catch, let me tell you. If God wants her to be married, she will find the right person.

K writes: "I too have found that secular men are better at this than Christian men are. To be honest, secular men also tend to treat women with more respect than Christian men do." Spot on. Time after time after time, the Christian males -- with their fixation on headship and submission, their harping on about meekness and femininity -- come off as creepy losers. The ones posting here are fairly typical -- complaining about women having careers, incapable of understanding women as anything other than a cooker and cleaner who provides sexual services, ugh.

Good grief, Charlie Brown! We can only blame others (for not asking Christian women out) or ourselves (for not being attractive or talented enough) if we believe that they or we are not acting in accordance with God's will. But nothing in the Bible requires that any particular man ask any particular woman on a date, or to marry him. And in such matters, we are presumptuous to think that we know God's will for any particular person or persons. And all of us need to accept, revel in, and use the gift of singleness for as long as God gives it to us. Although certainly encouraged, marriage is not a divine command. Many Christians, including a mentor of mine, live a life of fruitful singleness, unencumbered (as Paul suggests) by the obligations inherent in marriage. In my life, despite having many friends who married sooner, and sometimes wishing I was already married, I was nearly 28 when engaged, and nearly 29 when married. My wife was nearly 30. Yet God was (and is) faithful, and provided us to each other at the right time. During my single life, he gave me ministries that I could not have carried out had I been married.

So why didn't the Christian men in the fraternity ask the author out? That's a point that needs to be explored more. I too have found that secular men are better at this than Christian men are. To be honest, secular men also tend to treat women with more respect than Christian men do. They're not so hung up on being my "head" and my following them. But that's another story for another day. I think both men and women need to put down all the Christian books that tell us how men and women should act and just be, well, kind, nice, and above all, ourselves.

Blaming is one form of a power game. When people can't have power over others easily or are unable to suck power from others, there comes 'blaming' along with 'excusing', 'grumbling', and of course, 'cursing'.

Ben, gentleness is part of the "fruit of the spirit" and, therefore, is a virtue for men as well as for women, and Proverbs has advice for both genders on the virtue of quietness. As for the strength, at least two verses in Proverbs 31 refer to the strength of the Proverbs 31 woman who is "clothed with strength and dignity." She is also a successful businesswoman. Does the question of attractiveness really have to be part of this discussion? Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there are plenty of women who are married who aren't particularly attractive to anyone but their own husbands. (And their husbands are probably just fine with that.) The same thing is true for personality type. The real issue raised in this blog is whether or not women have to approach singleness with an attitude of self-condemnation or resentment, which will inevitably translate in resentment toward men, or whether we can accept singleness as a precious gift of God Who (thankfully) does NOT base His love for me on whether or not I can cook. (I can, by the way, in case you're wondering. And I'm still single. Fancy that.)

If we aren't supposed to appreciate women for their cooking ability,cleaning ability, attractiveness, or femininity, then what are we to appreciate them for? A career? I already have that. Their strength? Their ability to lead? A gentle and quiet spirit is a pleasing relief to men, too, not just God.

Sounds like a lot of this simple case of: our culture is changing. The way people meet and spend time is different as well as the way each gender participates in society. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 speaks of both singleness and marriage as appropriate life states and now more than ever women in particular can function in society without formerly necessary protection of a man figure and so single people can be really intentional about entering into marriage. I rejoice in the freedom I have as an image bearer God and a coheir with Christ in his kingdom. I am great full that I can live in a time and place where my worth is not dependent on my pretty awesome cooking skills. I also hope that as Christians we will adjust to this new culture in which God has placed us and the freedom that comes with it, without tearing each other down in stupid gender wars and in the midst of this change we can find the God honoring relationships that we seek.

John316, If all it comes down to is whether or not she cooks or cleans, she's probably wanting to get the heck out of there, too. Most women would like to be appreciated for something more than their domestic utility. I think Ruthie Dean's point is well-taken. I don't think all single women are bitter; I don't think I'm bitter. I do think there is a temptation to feel rejected and resent men for it. I also think this is exacerbated by a culture in which single women are made to feel that there is something wrong with US. All of us have something wrong with us, but I know of a few genuinely obnoxious and/or difficult women who managed to get married in spite of that. I think the happiest day of my life was the day when it occurred to me that God had probably called me to be single. This doesn't mean something is wrong with me; it means that my singleness is a gift as part of God's providential plan. My singleness is a vocation, not an accident. The thought was so freeing that I was positively giddy over it for an entire day.

I know I know I am posting twice, but this is an excellent blog post. I just had to comment twice! Tim is right to a certain extent. With what men see in the magazines and on tv. I am not about looks I am talking about how women are acting today and this unusual confusion of gender and roles its very tough for a man today. More so now then ever before. I think honestly men are looking for women. Real true women and that is getting tougher and tougher to find. The sad thing is I am just looking for a cook. If she can cook she is in. Seriously, every date I seem to go on the conversation comes up do you cook. The answer always seems to be ooo no I hate cooking, or cooking! no way. That kills it for me right there. Inside the thoughts of a mans mind from that point on go like this, ok she doesn't cook, she doesn't clean (this isn't fitting into a typical mother scenario or even wife scenario that I can foresee in the future). After marriage looks to go completely but they deplete some cause we are happy and satisfied with our partners. But men always like women who get themselves done up for a man. So here is the break down. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she wants to be provided for, quite a few times she compares herself to men or acts like it occasionally, when she stops taking care of her looks hhmmm what is she offering. I really gotta get the heck out of here.

I would have loved to been there. Though I as a Christian man I don't prowl through a room hitting on every single woman in sight. I don't believe that is any Christians mans style. You have to remember. Men behave dominantly. What I mean is most men being dominant or like to be dominant have a great fear when it comes to women. That fear is rejection. So men always stand on side for most part and make eye contact while playing what if scenario's in their head. The problem arises when the what if she doesn't scenario pops in their head. That is when it goes from surveying the room and making eye contact to maybe I should get the heck out of here. Hopefully she will come up to me. The saga continues. lol

Helmut hit the nail head on, though I suspect that my take on things differs, a bit. Because men (Christian) have come to expect to be the center of attention and that the marriage be all about their commanding role as “head” in the spotlight, it is difficult for them to find a woman subservient enough in today’s American culture who would be willing to debase themselves in order to conform to a man-made ideal of what a wife should be. So, the men wonder when they’ll find that “perfect” woman to marry – you know the “10” “pure/meek” “sex kitten” who has no desire other than to serve her husband both in and out of bed. And frankly, they are also conflicted because they know that they aren’t prepared to be someone else’s “master”, even if they found a woman who was willing to put them up on that pedestal. So, I think Christian men don’t know what they want. Do they search for someone they can master? Do they search for someone who they can use sexually? Do they look for an equal partner? Do they look for an able provider? Do they look for a domestic caretaker? --- I think a whole lot of men don’t know what to think and who to be; just like most women.

The trouble with a lot of women today is their failure to submit and respect men for who they are rather than what they have. Man has been given a position of authority by God (1 Corinthians 11:1-3), not to be used to oppress the woman but to express his love and appreciation for her meekness. However, when the woman ignores what God has ordained and usurps the authority of man then we can only expect many more to continue in singlehood outside God's will.

Many good points, Ruthie. Another thing wrong with the statement that there are no good men left is that it's a lie (except in the sense of there being none good, no not one, but that's a different discussion I think). Same with complaining that there are no good women out there. That's a lie too. And, as Stef W. said above, the point in life is not to get married anyway. So even though there are plenty of appropriate people for marriage in this world, that doesn't mean that when you meet one of them you'll then marry them. Cheers, Tim

Why not blame atomization? No one can marry, boy or girl, if no one knows anyone. And while the net is sufficient for friendship(indeed a glorious gift to the socially awkward), it is not really sufficient for courtship and marriage as marriage requires physical proximity.

I don't think blaming men is the way to go, but I think it's good to examine the society/church trends that are contributing to so much singleness. Most single women, had they been born in the Baby Boom times, would have married young and had at least a couple kids in their 20s. The fact that that doesn't tend to happen now is not personal, but reflects the changing times. It's simply harder to get married than it used to be. You have to put yourself out there more, do what it takes to meet more men (maybe even online), and be as open-minded as you can be. Look for the good in every Christian man you meet, say yes to offers of dates even if you're not immediately sure he's a man you could marry, and be realistic about the kind of man who is likely to commit to you given your age/attractiveness/other attributes. So many women end yo looking back and kicking themselves for not being more open-minded when young.

Thank you for this Ruthie. I appreciate this post a lot. And to be honest, I think this is advice that many guys can apply to their lives as well.

As good as all of this sounds, it implies that the main goal in life is to find a husband or be found by one... What is wrong with being single? Period.

I went back and re-read this and maybe I was a little harsh. Bitter is a trigger word for me, especially coming from married Christian women because I've been accused of being bitter when I've been minding my own business and in a fairly good mood, and it seems to be a popular adjective to describe single women (maybe they are just sad for the moment), along with the word desperate. I get what you're saying, but you have to remember that like everything, singleness has it's up and down moments and a woman who is expressing disappointment and frustration one day may be perfectly content the next. I've spent the last two decades hearing admonishments from married Christians - many who don't know me very well - on how and why I should be content and not bitter, be unselfish and be pure. It's all true, but it gets really old and doesn't take into account that a person grows and matures over the years. Yes, hope! Yes, pray in faith! Yes, read the Bible instead of listening to the yentas in the church on being content only! Yes, be around positive supportive people. This is the message I want to hear and the rest will work itself out.

Hi Anonymous, Thanks for sharing. I actually find that my younger friends are more likely to believe in good men and the older women I hear from on my blog tend to be more on the bitter side. I don't take the pain of singleness lightly! I just think it's always good to check our attitude towards our brothers. I agree, bitterness is overused. Thanks for commenting!

I am truly full of joy and hope when it comes to finding the right man for me, but I have to admit that this article rubs me the wrong way. The author's circles may include women who engage in men-bashing, but many of us are more mature than this and I certainly don't engage in it or hear much of it in the circles I run in (which include several men). This article is making some assumptions based on the author's personal experiences - maybe her friends are immature, or just young, but this doesn't represent all of us. I'm really, really tired of hearing the word bitter when it comes to singlehood.