What to Say About Sex - Christianity Today

A cartoon shows a minister in the pulpit with a sack over his head. A single adult says to a pewmate, “Well, I see the pastor is preaching from Song of Solomon today.” That cartoon reflects the church’s mixed signals to single adults. Addressing sexuality and singleness in the church isn’t easy.

“Why preach on that?” one pastor retorted. “It’s simple: No! End of discussion.” Rarely is it the end for the 73 million adults who populate Singleland USA.

One single asked what to do about his sexual temptations. “Have you tried talking to God about it?” I replied.

“To God!” he sputtered. “You can’t talk to God about stuff like that!”

“Why not? He already knows.”

“Oh, no!” he moaned, his head in his hands.

But not talking to God about sex would be like not talking to Bill Gates about computers. Who knows more about sexuality than its Creator? If we do not talk about it, the silence forces single adults to look elsewhere for answers and support. As Jenell Williams Paris wrote in Christianity Today (11/12/01), “When Christians are silent and TV is loud, it’s obvious which message will be heard.” Here’s where pastors can begin.

Encourage healthy relationships with members of both sexes. I often point to Jesus’ having his feet anointed by a “sinful” woman. She “wet his feet with tears, wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and poured perfume on them” (Luke 7:37-38). Can you miss the sensuality here? When was the last time you had your feet washed, kissed, and massaged? Ever? What was the Holy Spirit thinking by including this in Scripture!

Jesus, if uncomfortable, certainly did not act like it. He defended her against the Pharisees who criticized her.

Address the core loneliness and emptiness. Many single adults sit in worship on Sunday after yet another Saturday night alone. When they go to work on Monday, coworkers probably won’t ask about the sermon they heard but how they did “hooking up.” In this culture, sex is the remedy for almost every malady. It’s the great numb-er, and far more damaging than alcohol or drugs.

Marvel at the creation of our sexuality. God could have made the world a simpler place if hormones were activated only after saying the password, “I do”—like accessing a computer program. That would have made for some brief wedding receptions, but it would have eliminated non-marital sexual temptation.

The Psalmist wasn’t exaggerating in confessing, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well” (Ps. 139:14). An awareness of the intricacies of the human body, particularly the animating forces of sexual arousal, can only lead to an “I praise you because I am wonderfully made.” But how nervous we become if the doxologizing gets too specific.

Gratitude for our sexual makeup is a prerequisite for stewarding the good gift God has given.

Acknowledge the difficulty. I have long admired one pastor who was speaking at a single adult gathering. He ended his talk by asking for questions. With ease he handled a series of “softball” questions like “How can I have a better quiet time?” Then a hardball nicked him.

“How would you have any idea what we are struggling with when you have been married your whole adult life?” It was as if the air had been sucked out of the room.

“That’s a good question,” he replied. “You’re right. I have been married all my adult life. Let me answer with a story. Soon after I married, I enlisted in the Marines and was sent to Korea. My wife stayed in the States. I was gone for twelve months. Twelve long months, and I was a full-blooded young man. In Korea, you didn’t have to look far for temptation. It was a quarter-mile up the road from our base. Many nights my buddies—even married guys—headed up the road for a ‘little company.’ Oh, they invited me, but I didn’t go. Then they began to taunt me, ‘Holy Joe.’ That was forced celibacy, but I came home pure. I could look my wife in the eye and say, ‘I have been faithful.’ Easy? No way! It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But the lessons I learned in obedience have been valuable ever since. I’ve never been single. But I hope that experience helps me understand your struggles a little bit more.”

By recognizing the difficulty, the pastor won a place in the hearts of the single adults in his congregation.

Uphold faithfulness. I find strength in the Anglican confession, “Almighty God, to you all hearts are open, all desires known, and from you no secrets are hid” (Book of Common Prayer: 355). This “Gotcha!” prayer includes our sexuality. The prayer continues, “Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you, and worthily magnify your holy Name; through Christ our Lord.”

I also pray with singles: “We thank you also for those disappointments and failures that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone” (BCP: 836). I have heard some proud celibates boast, “I can do everything through him who gives ME strength” (Phil. 4:13). The emphasis should be on Jesus’ model: “I can be celibate through HIM who gives me strength!”

Harold Ivan Smith is a speaker and author of books including Singles Ask: Answers to Questions about Relationships and Sexuality (Augsburg, 1998).