A psychologist once said to me bluntly, "Don't send me any more premarriage counseling. The couples aren't in crisis. They don't want to work on their relationship. They just want to get married. They are less in love than they are in heat. You keep them, Pastor."
I don't agree with his conclusion, but that conversation forced me to question my premarital ministry to couples.
Gradually I began to see myself as more of a coach than a counselor. A coach discovers and points out skills already there, then tries to motivate people to increase those skills and gain new ones. In premarital counseling, I find couples open to building the best marriage they possibly can; my aim is to coach them toward that goal.
Still, the couple's affection for each other is so intense it does periodically block the rational. They seem to float above my office couch, rather than sit comfortably on it. But in spite of all their anxiety and impatience, meaningful things happen in our times together.
Establishing a Relationship
I begin by building a friendship. I'm convinced learning increases as trust and respect are established. Plus, my God is personal. He knows me by name. So, I spend time getting acquainted.
Right at the beginning I tell them, "In order to personalize your wedding, I need to get acquainted with you both. Hopefully, the information we share will build our friendship, and I expect our relationship to continue beyond the wedding."
I begin with positive, easy questions: How did you meet? What have been some of the most enjoyable times you've had together? How did you come to the conclusion that this is the one you want to marry?
I'm beginning to collect information on their relationship skills, attitude toward marriage, and openness to my input. The quality of this time often determines the effectiveness of our sessions. I acknowledge and honor their right to pass over a subject they are uncomfortable discussing with me at this stage. (Who wants to be lied to anyway?) I tell them I consider it a privilege to share in this pivotal point in their journey, the beginning of their married life.
After establishing rapport, I begin to ask the more difficult questions, such as, "Which of you felt the most discomfort in coming to see me, and why?" I ask them to describe their visits with each other's families, because those are often the most stressful times in courtship.
Seeing Eye to Eye
I'm now ready to move toward some agreement for the rest of our time together. My transition question is, "Before we go any further, I need to check if you have some expectations of our time together. What are your special interests or needs, so I'm sure to budget time for them?" I listen as much for what they don't expect as for their expectations.
Then I often give a 60-second synopsis of who I am, what I have been through in life, what skills I have that might be helpful to them, and where I'm weak: "I'm not a psychologist. I'm a pastor. A lot of my work has to do with marriage. I have skills in listening and clarifying. I don't try to change people's personalities. So relax. I'm not good in money management, but we have a banker and two realtors in the church who will help you free of charge. Here are some options for us to work on in our times together. You pick three or four, and I'll pick three or four, and we'll have a good time together."
Among my list of options:
- misconceptions of love and marriage
- games that can increase friendship
- practical issues in marriage (money, sex and affection, role expectations, values, religious faith, power and freedom, communication, and nurture)
- romantic love
- Christian marriage
I believe in offering choices because it shifts responsibility to them. In my early years, I left the office exhausted while the couple departed bored. They had watched me do marvelous things for ninety minutes: lecture on sexuality, supply money management insights taken from a speech by a well-known economist, administer probing quizzes and diagnose the quality of their relationship. But I've changed my style to become the coach who helps them do the work.
I don't even administer psychological tests and inventories any more. I am not against testing. I simply find that such instruments tend to raise the couple's anxiety level, and one of my goals is to reduce any sense of threat so they can deal with their actual needs and worries.
Misconceptions
One "test" I do give is called "Misconceptions of Love and Marriage." I make a game out of it; I laugh and overdramatize it. I tell them I won't give them the answers unless they tie me to the chair and threaten my life, because the purpose is to stimulate conversation, not right or wrong answers. In this test they are supposed to mark various statements as true or false:
- Loneliness will be cured by marriage.
- Crying is something to be avoided in marriage.
- Getting angry is better than being critical.
The list contains 25 such statements.
Amazing things happen in these moments. They laugh. They disagree openly. They get nervous. They show frustration. They reveal expectations. Sometimes they begin to ask for information. But my goal is for them to do the talking. I stimulate their conversation. As a pastor trained to correct wrong thinking, I have to bite my tongue here. Later I will teach them, but now, through their conversation, I get an immediate feel for how naive or informed they are.
If I'm working with a couple struggling to articulate feelings, or with a couple where one person dominates the conversation and the other grunts or nods, I shift our direction and suggest we play another game. I have some toys that represent real-life things, such as Monopoly money, a plastic telephone, a baby doll. They reach into the bag, pull something out, and state what the item means to them or how they feel about it. One man took out the telephone, threw it across the room, and exclaimed, "I hate the thing. It's always interrupting my time with people." The nonverbal communication becomes more animated as well — the way they handle each object, facial responses, glances, and gestures. I've been amazed at how these simple toys help couples relax and begin to talk more openly.
Practical Issues
I spend the bulk of my time on "practical issues in love and marriage" to prepare couples for the early adjustment stages of marriage. I want them aware of some of the complexities, conflicts, and struggles. I ask each person to pick a section of this topic, and I begin with the one the least-verbal partner selected.
I try to fill these moments with humor and anecdotes, employing hypothetical situations to watch for their responses. I might say, "The basic approach to money in my family, growing up, was to save. We never had much, but out of our meager resources we were disciplined to save something. The problem was, we never knew what we were saving for. The terms 'rainy day' and 'emergency' were used frequently but never defined. We were glad we weren't like neighbors across the street who 'always fought about how they would invest.' Does this ring any bells with you?"
Another goal of mine is to model openness on topics that have been taboo previously, such as sex, money, or anger.
If they respond strongly to any one point, I concentrate on that area. I draw them out, ask if they would like more information, listen actively, give feedback, point out resources in the church family to help them.
Affection and sexuality.
I spend a lot of time on affection and sexuality. I start by sharing a statement by David Hub-bard that I have found to be true: "Remember, men and women, because of Genesis 3 and the sin in the Garden of Eden, everyone you meet will be confused sexually and have a problem with idolatry." I point out I fall into that category, as do family members, doctors, parents, and friends. We all struggle to find accurate sexual information. So, where do you find information on sexuality? What is sexual love? What will you do if one of you is more highly sexed than the other? I ask lots of questions and hold back information until I perceive eagerness or receptivity on their part.
I find the affection and caring/intimacy side of sexuality is often neglected and misunderstood. An area of tension even among Christians (perhaps especially among Christians) is the issue of what is one person's right to know about the other's sexual past. I don't try to press my ideas on them. My greatest concern is that they agree about how much candor they can expect from each other.
Another factor increasingly affecting sexuality today is traumatic sexual experiences such as rape or incest. Gently raising that issue and reassuring them that professional help is available may be my greatest contribution to their sexual compatibility. I hope to lead them into a deeper level of communication than they have previously experienced.
A Lutheran friend acts as a priest at this point in his coaching. He receives confession, pronounces absolution, and sets them free for a new direction in life. Sometimes he anoints with oil. Often he cries with them. He is continually amazed at the visible change this effects in couples.
If the couple is new to the church, I ask them to articulate their formative church's views on marital roles. Role expectations — the meaning of headship and submissiveness, the need for increased emotional support, the level of financial support expected — are being debated fiercely in the Christian community today. I find this a major area where modern marriages are exploding. Who determines the roles? How well are they articulated? What happens if roles change with the coming of children or sickness? I try to be pointedly practical.
Values.
To break the question-answer pattern, I treat the values area more creatively. "Draw your family crest," I tell them, "selecting symbols that represent what was important to you growing up." In another exercise, I give them colored cards and ask them to write their values on them, red for nonnegotiable values, yellow for important but modifiable ones, and green for flexible ones. The values deal with such issues as types of occupation, whether and when to have children, and family life.
"I must have passion in marriage," one woman said, leaning forward with her jaw firm.
"What constitutes passion for you, and what are some things that arouse it and things that kill it?" I responded. "Do you know where that need comes from and why it is so intense?"
When she answered, I asked her fiancé what he heard her say. I then asked, "Are you both willing to commit money, time, and energy to that value?" These understandings or misunderstandings prove crucial to a marriage.
Religious faith.
If they don't select the religious faith section, I do. I spin life stories of how different religious journeys develop or clash. I encourage them to share their faith adventure with me. This is an area where couples are often vague and mystical. They tend to romanticize. So I press for concreteness: "How often do you expect to go to church?" "Tell me about the last time your fiancée said, 'I'm sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?'"
Power and freedom.
This is the area in which I have made the most misjudgments. I send couples to a Christian counselor, saying, "The man is a tyrant." Then I'll sit in on a session with the couple and the therapist, and he'll say, "She is in total control. Did you see the way he jumped when she coughed? Did you see him stop talking when she frowned at him?"
I'm not hesitant to admit inadequacy in any section where I'm weak. I'll give them names of Christian counselors as resources. I can't do all things for them, and it is wise to tell them that.
Communication.
This is one area in which I try to secure a promise from them. I say, "You promise God in the wedding service that you will love each other. To preserve communication, will you promise each other you will have a weekly business meeting to check out your calendar and emotional well-being? And will you commit to two mini-honeymoons yearly, even if they are only overnight?"
Nurture.
Mutual nurture is my special emphasis. I am amazed at how few people have articulated how they want to be nurtured (even those married ten and twenty years). We tend to nurture a spouse in the way we want to be nurtured. But our approach to nurturing can aggravate the spouse we intend to lovingly support. The wife, who might be nurtured by exercise, may be always buying jogging suits, stationary bicycles, tennis shoes, and racketball equipment for her spouse, who hates athletics and loves his night at home by the fire with a good book. My aim is for couples to respect each other's nurture needs, even if they don't understand them.
I know I can't resolve all these practical issues for a couple, but I can raise their awareness of them. I can open the issues and tell them help is available. Later, if conflicts increase, I hope they won't be paralyzed and do nothing until the problem reaches a catastrophic level.
I give homework assignments to check a couple's motivational level. Outside assignments also help information move from their heads to the gut. I assign couples the task of looking up some Bible passages that teach about marriage and writing one sentence about each passage. I intend this launching into the Scriptures in a general way to impress them with the reality that God designed marriage for specific reasons and has exciting things to say about how marriage works best. We'll talk later about the passages. One of my goals is for them to experience God's love and presence in their relationship.
The Meaning of Christian Marriage
I shift next to the area of contract and covenant in marriage. I explain how psychologists today argue that every marriage has a contract, perhaps implied if not written out or discussed, and usually both parties perceive the contract differently. I take them through an actual contract of a couple who are friends of mine. Again, I make a game of it, asking them where they think the marriage almost blew apart.
In my experience, this is the most potentially explosive portion of our time together. "I have the right of access to your schedule," one woman fumed as she and her fiancé formed their contract in front of me.
"No way!" he shouted back. "I go where I want to go and do what I want to do just like during our engagement."
"Unacceptable," she replied. "That is not a marriage." They argued a few more minutes and then jumped up and left my office never to return — and never to marry. I often reflect on how important it was for them to discover that polarization before they made their big step.
I don't want to leave any couple at the contract stage. The sacred bond of covenant transcends the legal ties of marriage. So we discuss at length God's commitment to their union and how it symbolizes to a non-Christian world the commitment of God to his people.
Agreeing on the Service
I end my time with a couple by going through the wedding service line by line. I have gathered copies of five different vows, from high church to contemporary. I ask them to select the ones that best express their theology, taste, and feelings. Rarely has a couple said, "No, you choose one, Pastor."
From the central aspect of the vows, I move backward in the wedding service to explain the questions of intent, the meaning of the Scripture readings and prayers. Then I sit back and watch them do all the work of deciding what they want included in their service, and in what form. Through their interactions I can see how they make decisions.
When they are finished, they have designed their wedding service — within the limits I have set. Couples find it exhilarating. I ask my secretary to type the service, and we deliver several copies to them.
Like any pastor, I have room to improve my premarital ministry to couples. One area I am currently studying is how to better relate couples to the church's ongoing program of marriage enrichment. But my ministry is working. By the time we reach the wedding event:
- We have built a warm and trusting relationship.
- I have involved them in the process by giving them choices.
- They have articulated their expectations.
- We have studied practical issues, and I have conveyed critical information in important areas.
- They have practiced and strengthened their communication skills.
- I have modeled and they have experienced openness on subjects that might have been taboo previously.
- We have shared the presence of Christ together.
- Study of Scripture and the meaning of covenant has helped them understand the difference between getting married and holy matrimony.
- They have begun to articulate the rules of their relationship.
- Perhaps there has been confession, with forgiveness pronounced and experienced.
- They are aware of where to turn for help in the years ahead.
- The wedding service will express their unique relationship.
Building the best possible marriages remains a lofty goal, but for the health of the home and the church, it is a worthwhile pursuit. And I would find premarital conversations worthwhile if only the first goal were achieved—a warm and trusting relationship established between me and the couple. Just as marriage gives couples a secure environment in which to grow and reach out, the relationship I've begun with a couple offers a secure step to a deeper relationship with the church and her Bridegroom.
