If we have areas of disagreement, and we will, let’s work them out face-to-face, courteously and confidentially.
—Chuck Swindoll
Iwas playing racquetball with another minister. The score was close. The serve went back and forth.
Suddenly, as if propelled by a squirt of adrenaline, the guy blew me away. His serves became powerful, his backhand flawless, his accuracy on those low shots in the corner deadly.
I knew he was good—but not that good!
Soundly defeated and drenched with sweat, I took him by the shoulders and said, “OK, Hercules, what’s with you? How did you pull that off?”
“Well, Chuck,” he said, smiling broadly, “I did play beyond my ability. It started when I began to think about last night’s board meeting. I got madder and madder and smashed that deacon’s face all over this court! It’s amazing how a bad board meeting improves my game.” We laughed and headed for the showers.
I’ve thought about that dozens of times since and remembered it when his church went through a wrenching split that left the ministry in shambles and him and his family in bitter disillusionment.
Don’t misunderstand; there’s a lot to say for diffusing hostility in a game of racquetball or a round of golf. Who knows how many pastors keep their sanity intact because of such outlets. Maybe that’s why we compete so ferociously. But the need for a better relationship between pastors and board members is apparent, and in some cases, acute.
When conversations with fellow ministers get beneath the surface, this subject is frequently mentioned. And it is not uncommon for board members to contact me about struggles with their ministers. “How can we ask hard questions without leaving the wrong impression?” they ask. “What makes him so volatile and defensive?”
Our situation reminds me of a description of arms talks by former secretary of state Dean Rusk: “We negotiate eyeball-to-eyeball, and each side is afraid to blink.” Unfortunately, that is not confined to the political arena.
War zones
Conflicts between a pastor and board don’t limit themselves to one or two tension areas. Here are just a few possible war zones:
Confusion about goals. A pastor might think, I explain where this church is going and often review how we can get there, but my board members don’t seem interested. A member of his board might be thinking, I wish the pastor would tell us what we are trying to do as a church. I don’t see the big picture.
Broken relationships can blind and deafen us. The words that leave one person’s mouth may never enter another’s ears or, perhaps worse, may be heard in a twisted manner.
Training and discipleship. Pastors often declare, “I wish my board would take the reins of leadership, but they seem reluctant to accept training, especially from me.” To this, some of his board members might silently respond, “Our minister says he’d like us to be more involved in leadership, but he’s not just efficient, he’s super-efficient. How could I ever help him?”
Traditional vs. contemporary. A youthful pastor often wants the church to address today’s needs in today’s terms. With vigor, he presses the issue of contemporaneity, which touches music, style of worship, pulpit terminology, dress, youth programming, and other long-standing “untouchables.”
The board, lacking confidence in his leadership and fearing the unknown, balks. “Why can’t our preacher just preach the Word, visit the sick, marry and bury, and do the basic stuff? Before we know it, we’ll lose our older members.”
Desire to know one another. A pastor might sigh, “I realize our relationship would be more productive if I could really get to know the people on my board, but somehow it doesn’t get done.”
A lay leader might be thinking, I would give anything to know my pastor better. But who am I to take his time? He’s always so busy, plus he has a lot of other people who need his help. And if he did get to know me, he might not respect me as much.
Problem roots
Church leaders often clash because they approach situations from different perspectives. A few examples:
Pastors possess a theological or biblical perspective, a problem-solving method they probably picked up in seminary. Board members solve problems more pragmatically, a tried-and-true method they learned in business. It’s the idealism/realism rub.
Pastors live in the culture of the church. They wrestle with, think about, pray over, and talk through the issues from the hothouse mindset. But the board members? They live and work in the “real” world and wrestle with church-related problems on the side. In board meetings, the pastor is on familiar turf, the lay person on foreign soil.
Pastors are identified with their ministries, so their egos get intertwined in tough-issue discussions. Board members are often more objective and less sensitive about church matters. It’s easy for pastors to feel personally attacked (especially if they are insecure) when board members are determined to solve the problem (especially if they are insensitive).
People with different perspectives are a lot like two ships passing on a foggy night, moving in different directions, not able to see the other. Except for a few flashing lights, the roar of massive engines, and the blast of a loud horn, it’s as if they were in the deep all alone. A collision is always a threat.
Perhaps Jesus’ periodic struggles with his “board” of twelve were intensified because of this. He described to them a different perspective—the kingdom of God.
Deep need
Jesus committed himself to those men in depth. As Mark 3:14 (NASB) states: “He appointed twelve, that they might be with him, and that he might send them out to preach.” Before they were sent forth to preach, the disciples were to spend time with him. If I track those words correctly, they really got to know one another. They traveled together, spent nights together, ate together, took time off together, hammered out problems together, evaluated their lives and their mission together.
Robert Coleman, in The Master Plan of Evangelism, sums up the idea well: “Frequently he would take them with him in a retreat to some mountainous area of the country.… The time that Jesus invested in these few disciples was so much more by comparison than that given to others that it can only be regarded as a deliberate strategy. He actually spent more time with his disciples than with everybody else in the world put together.
Two problems
As I write this, I can almost see your frown. Two problems make us question the possibility of this:
Problem 1: “This is hard.” My answer: “You aren’t kidding!” I wish I could say I am doing all these things. I’m not, and neither are many others.
The willingness to be candid, available, and confidential is rare. Isolation is more in vogue—especially for ministers. Psychological studies reveal that we tend to be more studious and introverted than the average leader. We may attract board members with similar personality bents. A roomful of introverts doesn’t make for an easy, breezy, let’s-become-better-friends group.
Further, it takes a lot of time and energy to make friends with eight, nine, or ten people. Peter Drucker says you can’t hope to accomplish anything in a meeting of less than forty-five minutes. An intense, forty-five-minute meeting drains the creative juice most preachers would rather pour into sermon preparation and most lay leaders would rather expend on some business deal.
The task is further complicated by such things as personal preference (“I enjoy Russell more than Harry”) and turnover (just when you are getting to know Frank, his term expires or he moves out of town).
Problem 2: “This is risky.” Both sides must be willing to be rejected and shown to be wrong on occasion. That isn’t easy.
A Leadership survey showed that laymen generally view pastors as more deficient in the area of making friends than pastors think they really are. Such blind spots are painful to admit.
Another obstacle is the pedestal on which pastors are often placed, even though we may work hard to stay off such perilous and unbiblical perches. In the same survey 14 percent of the pastors rated their spiritual life as “excellent,” yet 46 percent of the lay leaders thought their pastor’s spiritual life was “excellent.”
Getting to know each other means phony images must crumble and distance-making formalities must be set aside. A first-name basis and an unguarded, give-and-take style must somehow be encouraged.
Beyond when push comes to shove
How can pastors and boards cultivate better interpersonal relationships?
1. Schedule time together between official meetings, whether one-on-one or with a few. It can be in the pastor’s or a member’s home for an evening (with spouses), or over lunch.
Tomorrow morning I have initiated a breakfast meeting with five key board members as we work through a matter for our congregational business meeting next Sunday. But sometimes the get-together may simply be for social purposes. I’ve found I must plan these times well in advance, or they won’t happen.
2. Get away for overnight retreats. One of the best decisions we made several years ago at our church was to have pastor-elder retreats at least twice a year. These are great times for getting beneath the surface of one another’s lives as well as evaluating our ministry. We eat together, enjoy some needed laughter, and have extended times of prayer with each other. Sharing rooms together overnight also helps us break down barriers among one another. We always come back closer and in better harmony. Start doing this, perhaps on a once-a-year basis, shortly after the annual election of your new board members. It is imperative that every member attends these times, by the way.
3. Translate attitudes into actions. You love your spouse, but it sure does help to say so. You enjoy your kids, but a warm embrace communicates your attitude. Pastors and board members need to tell each other how grateful they are for their time, energy, and commitment.
Written notes are appreciated. A sincere, firm handshake and an eyeball-to-eyeball look never fail to encourage. A phone call is another way of translating our attitudes into action.
4. Support each team member. We all have enough enemies; each of us wrestles with sufficient self-depreciating thoughts. Let’s become loyal in our support of one another, especially in each other’s absence.
If we have areas of disagreement, and we will, let’s work them out face-to-face, courteously and confidentially. Pastors, let’s not use the pulpit as a hammer to settle arguments. Board members, let’s seal our lips when damage could be done to the ministry by an uncontrolled tongue.
And whenever push comes to shove, play racquetball. Nobody needs to know why you suddenly start playing better.
Copyright © 1997
