Home Field Advantage

During twenty-some years in ministry, I’ve asked hundreds of students two questions: “What did your parents do right, and what do you wish your parents had done differently?” The answers have been a tremendous help to my wife, Gloria, and me in raising our three kids. Although parenting is a huge responsibility, most of us, however well-educated, receive little or no training on how to parent well.

Parenting can be especially difficult for those of us in ministry. I recently asked a gifted youth leader how he was doing personally. He said he felt overwhelmed. Although his ministry was thriving, he worked four nights and sixty to seventy hours each week to keep it going. When I asked about the impact this had on his marriage and family, he said, “What else can I do? This is what’s expected of me.”

I looked him straight in the eyes and asked, “Where in scripture does it say you are to neglect your marriage and your kids to build a ministry?” It’s a question I put to you as well. What is really driving you to live this way, and what are the costs?

As leaders, we are responsible to give ourselves wholeheartedly to the tasks of ministry. However, we’re also responsible to manage our time and our expectations of what it means to lead an effective ministry.

So how do we affirm the importance of marriage and family while simultaneously navigating the unending responsibilities of ministry? We don’t have the option of choosing one over the other so we must learn to manage these two tensions simultaneously. To do this well, it’s important to draw on every available resource. One of our greatest resources is what I call “home field advantage.”

I was head coach of a high school football team before I was a minister. Each week I used every opportunity to gain an advantage over our opponents. Home games were always in our favor—every coach knows there’s nothing like home field advantage. I reminded players that this was our home field and we didn’t want to let anyone beat us in our own backyard. Before leaving the locker room, some players would yell out, “This is our house, and no one beats us in our own house!”

As ministry leaders with families, we need to make this our rallying cry as well. No one and no thing—including the demands of ministry—must be allowed to tank our home lives. To sustain commitments to both ministry and family over the long haul, we need to lean into home field advantage.

Across many years, Gloria and I have learned many valuable lessons—often the hard way—that helped us raise our three children. We’ve discovered four key home field advantages that we’ve heavily relied on during twenty-five years of family life.

Home Field Advantage 1: Establish Family Values.

“‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'” (Luke 10:41-42)

Early in our marriage, Gloria and I realized that we needed to “choose what was better.” For us, that meant establishing family values. In our current culture, there are a lot of definitions for the term “values.” Gloria and I decided that for us, family values are consistent guidelines that every family member chooses to follow. Some of our family values include:

God’s word being the ultimate authority,
Family always comes first,
A commitment to telling each other the truth,
Open and safe communication, and
Mutual trust and respect.

We knew if we didn’t take control by setting family values, the demands of ministry would take control and damage our family. We also learned two important lessons:

Values need to be modeled rather than taught. I cannot stress this enough. Children learn far more from what they observe than from what they are told. Do your family members see the love of God in your home? Are you obedient to God’s word? Or are you preaching one thing and living another? What you live out before your children has much greater impact than what you merely say to your children.
Values establish priorities and set boundaries. Family values equip you to make better choices and to set healthy boundaries on how you spend your time, money, and energy.

Home Field Advantage 2: Practice Spiritual Disciplines Not Religious Rules.

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

When it comes to spiritual growth, one thing I’ve found to be true is that if all you’re doing is living by rules, you’ll eventually break the rules. That’s why it’s important to understand the difference between religious rules and spiritual disciplines. Two key points come to mind:

Spiritual disciplines are not rules you must follow so that you will try harder. Being a Christ-follower is not about checking off a list of activities, like reading the Bible, going to church , or having a quiet time. Instead, spiritual disciplines are life-giving practices that enable God to work in our lives.
Disciplines are markers that help you train to be more like Christ. Becoming a Christ-follower should be synonymous with becoming more like Christ. One of the best indicators of spiritual growth is whether or not our families are becoming more loving. That’s what spiritual transformation is really about—loving God and loving others.

Home Field Advantage 3: Ask good questions and be a good listener.

“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19 NLT)

One of the best home field advantages we have is the opportunity to seize teachable moments—those precious open windows with our kids when we know God is at work. Teachable moments are rarely planned. Typically they just happen—at bedtime, riding in the car, playing catch in the yard, or in a time of distress. Such moments happen more often than we might think, and when they do we must be willing to listen first, avoid quick answers, and ask good questions. Two ideas I try to remember:

Listening is a powerful gift. Truly listening to and acknowledging what you head from your child or spouse is a powerful gift. Give it often!
Ask good questions rather than give quick answers. Ask good questions to better understand each other. Use questions not for information but for understanding. Ask questions like, “Why do you feel that way?” “What can I do to help?” “How does that make you feel?” “What do you think you should do?” “Can you help me better understand why you feel the way you do?” When I ask students what their parents did right, the number one answer is, “They ask good questions and listen.”

Home Field Advantage 4: Become a Good Finder.

“Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” (Proverbs 16:24)

Encouragement represents, perhaps, our best home field advantage. Everyday we have the opportunity to catch our children doing something right. When I ask students what they wish their parents would do differently, the number one response I hear is, “I wish they’d encourage me more, say they are proud of me, and tell me they love me.” The game plan to become a good finder includes:

Encourage character, not just performance. Offer encouragement not just for what your kids do—things like going to church, doing chores, finishing homework, or having good manners—but also for who your kids are. Encourage character changes you see in your kids. Say things like, “I notice that your heart is more sensitive and that you are becoming more kind to others,” or “I see that you are becoming more disciplined with your responsibilities.”
Become your kids’ best cheerleader for their journey as a Christ-follower. Most Christian students go through their day without ever hearing words of encouragement about their commitment to Christ. As a parent, I made a commitment to be my kids’ biggest spiritual cheerleader. When my daughter Tiffany, now twenty-one, was in high school, she never walked through the halls and heard people say, “Way to go Tif! It’s so cool you’re committed to be a virgin. Way to follow Christ!” When my son Brandon, now twenty-three, was in high school, I knew he never walked onto campus and heard people say, “Way to be a man, Brandon! It’s so awesome that you don’t party, and that you’re growing in Christ.”

To take the home field advantage, I let my kids know they were my heroes—that I was aware of the choices they made every day to follow Christ. I let them know that I was proud of the decisions they had made to honor Christ. Words of encouragement need to be said every day in our homes. We need to be good “finders,” always discovering evidence of growth in character and growth in Christ.

Having a Christian home is no guarantee against disharmony. We all make mistakes; I know I have made many. But God has nevertheless given us the privilege of being called moms and dads, husbands and wives. As Christ-followers, we really do have a home field advantage—and we need to make the most of it. Let’s rejoice in the amazing adventure and privilege we have to be parents and spouses. May it be said of us:

“The father of godly children has cause for joy. What a pleasure it is to have wise children. So give your parents joy! May she who gave you birth be happy.” (Proverbs 23:24-25 NLT)

Bo Boshers serves as executive director of Student Ministries for the Willow Creek Association, as well as in the Willow Creek Community Church student ministries. Bo leads high school students and trains student ministry leaders from around the world, and has authored several books. For more information visit www.WCAstudentministries.com