The day before I was to leave on a much-needed vacation (the first full break in several years), I had lunch with one of our elders. I could tell something was bothering him. It wasn’t long before he told me: he had heard some grievances and thought I should be aware of them. Someone had complained my salary was too high. Someone else felt I was taking too much vacation time. Another person expressed dismay that we had promised our Bible conference speaker a set honorarium instead of whatever came in the offering. Someone else was bothered that the screen we used for overhead projection seemed to be in the way of the choir.
My response to most complaints is to be a little aggravated and a lot tickled; I’ve learned they’re just part of the job. But my fellow board members were far from amused. In fact, some had suggested a private meeting be held while I was on vacation. Though the more seasoned members realized this was unwise and blocked the idea, I saw there was more at stake here than a few minor irritations.
It was time we learned together how to react to gripes, how to “ungrieve grievances.” So upon returning from vacation (more rested and objective), I thought through how the board and I could best handle the little complaints that seem so large at the moment. Reflecting on my years as a church consultant, lay board member, and pastor, I identified five principles that have proven helpful in handling gripes.
Expect Grievances
Even though Paul told the Philippian church to do all things “without complaining,” church life is rarely free of strife. Even in spiritually mature congregations, people find fault. It comes with the territory.
There seem to be two extreme responses. Newer board members tend to expect meetings to be blissful harmony and an edifying discussion of the spiritual needs of the congregation. What they often hear, however, are gripes. Right now I fear for the newest and youngest member of our board; exposure to these grievances might sour him on the church or church leadership. If he can accept grievances as an inevitability, however, he’ll make it.
On the other hand, old board members often expect nothing but grievances. They grow accustomed to each meeting’s being filled with the complaints of various individuals and the attempts of the board to deal with them. One veteran board member got so fed up he quit, and he told me, “If I see much more conflict in the church, I’ll bail out altogether!” Such people need to see that while grievances are to be expected, they don’t have to dominate the work of the board.
Through learning to expect griping as one of the many things they need to handle, newer board members can be saved from disillusionment, and older members can be protected from cynicism.
Consider the Source
Like the woman who noticed only the peacock’s skinny legs, some people have an eye for seeing what’s wrong. Others, though, rarely find fault. I’ve found it important to consider which type of person a complaint is coming from. If it comes from someone who seems to have the spiritual gift of criticism, it carries less weight than if it comes from someone who seldom speaks a negative word. Only time will tell the difference between these two types.
The first few complaints our board received from a particular man upset us greatly and received much attention. However, as time passed and the grievances continued (I never imagined there could be that many things wrong with one church!), we began to expect gripes from this man. After a while, we discovered the problems didn’t originate with him but with his wife. While these facts didn’t necessarily invalidate the complaints, they did serve to temper our reactions.
Another common source of grievances is what we call the “former power broker.” This is the person who once wielded great influence but no longer does, and who resents his or her diminished status. One such individual presented a list of complaints to our board—such petty things as the fact that the pastor’s children play in the nursery while he’s in his office. The board recognized this person was complaining about everyone ministering in the church. They saw the charges were more from an attempt to regain power than a legitimate desire to rectify wrongs. Considering the source helped ungrieve the grievances.
A word of caution: While the gripes of certain people should be taken with a grain of salt, they should never be ignored. In both cases mentioned, the individuals were deeply committed to the church. Gripers often love the church—they just have an odd way of showing it. This love needs to be redirected, but never disregarded. One way I’ve found to refocus this love is to assign gripers some specific area of labor in which they can feel a sense of control. In the case of the disgruntled former power broker, we asked her to help handle the church’s accounting, and she has excelled at this and left others in peace.
Ascertain the Facts
It is crucial, when gripes come, that the facts be found.
One charge brought against me was that I had allowed the church to pay a traffic ticket for me. Certainly, my accuser said, it was improper for the congregation’s money to be spent on my driving indiscretions. I agreed. The treasurer settled the matter quickly when he produced the “ticket”—a parking receipt from a hospital where I had gone to visit the sick wife of a board member!
Early in my ministry, one board member called frequently to let me know a new grievance had arisen. “Everyone is upset!” he would exclaim. I was frightened by his calls and began to consider alternative jobs. However, after several such calls over a few years, I finally asked the crucial question: “Who is everyone?” As it turned out, “everyone” was this man and his wife.
Many grievances disappear like mists in the morning sun when the facts are made known.
Respond Appropriately
An empathetic listener can do a lot to defuse a crisis, regardless of the seriousness of the problem. Call it “letting people blow off steam” or “lancing a boil,” but it works.
The rumor mill at our church, for instance, recently broadcast the message, “Church name to change! Church to forsake heritage!” You can imagine the feelings of some members. One came to me on the verge of tears and ready to leave the church. I could have dismissed the rumor, as I was tempted to do. But because I chose to listen carefully, not only were we able to settle the name-change issue, but also underlying issues. For example, he felt the spiritual life of the church was in decline, that some people were being manipulative, and that a lot of what he liked about the church was changing.
On the other hand, while listening with empathy is important, we don’t want to encourage griping. If a board gets a reputation for being suckers for any complaint, it will be deluged with them and lose effectiveness in leadership.
When the list of grievances mentioned at the beginning of this article was presented to our board, I was asked to leave the room. (Normally I would not have done so, but I thought this would be a good test for all involved, including me.) When I came back, I discovered that after listening carefully to the woman who presented the list, the board let her know the entire matter was unworthy of discussion. That ended it.
Settle Matters Quickly
Resolving complaints quickly is where we who serve on boards fail most. It’s easier to let a problem be tabled until the next meeting.
When grievances are left unresolved, conflict festers. The only staff member I ever had to let go fell victim to this. He and a key board member dashed repeatedly over our Christian education ministry. As their personal feud grew, it crippled their effectiveness.
My favorite example of how these principles can work involves a man named Ralph, who consistently confronted our board with grievances. As they are with many fault-finders, his concerns were a mixture of legitimate and illegitimate complaints. At first we reacted defensively. But then, without realizing exactly what we were doing, we began to follow these guidelines. We recognized the genuine love for the church that lay behind his complaints, we ascertained the facts, and we acted quickly to resolve matters or to explain why we declined to act. After a while he stopped bringing gripes, and eventually he joined the board. Ralph and I grew to enjoy greatly working together.
Not every person who complains will become such a friend and ally. But by following these principles, we who serve on a board can make each grievance an opportunity for healing and progress, or at least not a cause for undue anxiety.
Michael Baer is pastor of Faith Wesleyan Church, Caddo Mills, Texas.
