Last summer, a friend of mine walked away from the church because he felt like his struggle with homosexuality was a non-issue for his church. There was no confrontation that pushed him away – hardly anyone at his church even knew his situation. But it was an overwhelming feeling that the church had no need to acknowledge this struggle.
Like many, this friend began to rethink his sexuality during college, questioning his assumptions, accepting certain facets of who he felt himself to be, and basking in diversity and acceptance. When he came home on breaks, he entered into a strange world. Home and church life tied directly to the person he “used” to be. And college was his comfort zone, the place where he could ask the serious questions about identity.
After a few years of hearing that his primary identity resided in his status as a marginalized homosexual, he graduated college, came home, and began to think again about what it meant to be gay. For the first time, he had to do it on his own.
This is where the church failed him – at this stage, he was questioning and willing to listen, but the silence and oversimplification got to him. He heard people say “the Bible is clear about homosexuality.” Mostly, however, while he was in this stage and willing to talk, he heard nothing. A few months ago, he moved out of state for a job; church became a thing of the past.
Silence and oversimplification are perhaps the two biggest threats to our outreach to men and women who struggle with questions of sexual orientation. College campuses, on the other hand, stand at the opposite end of the spectrum, hosting open discussions of gender and sexuality, and willingly engaging people at whatever level they reside.
Let me suggest that gender studies programs, and sociology and psychology courses, are offering a kind of “pastoral care” to young people today. This ought not to be.
A few simple statements can lay the foundation of real (that is, biblical) pastoral care. Let me suggest six things to say and to not say, as well as a few places to begin the work of going deeper into these topics.
Do:
1. Acknowledge that, for some, sexual identity can be complicated and confusing in nature. Take every opportunity to support men and women who have questions, and acknowledge to them that their questioning is an important task. Do this in one-on-one conversations, and do it in public gatherings, too.
2. Admit that the church is a community of people who don’t have it all together. In appropriate contexts, admit shortcomings and struggles, and testify to God’s redeeming power. Create an atmosphere in which your congregation knows that ours is a living, acting, healing God.
3. Affirm the struggles of young people in particular. Every student in your church knows someone who struggles with sexual identity, or they struggle with it themselves. By the early years of high school, teachers are talking about it, and most college students will undergo a “diversity awareness session” that far outdoes the talks about sexuality in most of our churches. Biblical attitudes about sexual orientation will equip your church’s young people as they enter the confusing world of college and young adulthood.
Don’t:
1. Say, “You need to choose right now.” There are only a few times in life in which an ultimatum is appropriate. Most people who are thinking through their sexual orientation are already confused and expect rejection by the church. Don’t let impatience ruin an opportunity for ministry.
2. Dismiss the other voices in the conversation. Oftentimes, friends and teachers are the only ones willing to offer acceptance. Don’t attack these other figures in the conversation. Affirm the truth of God’s Word and the nature of his character, and model acceptance for the individual that goes above and beyond what non-believers offer.
3. Say that being straight is the only goal. The goal of shepherding a man or woman through issues of sexual identity isn’t just to make that person non-gay. It is to lead this person into the life that is really life – Jesus Christ, who claims us as his own, and who doesn’t see us in terms of our sexual orientation or anything else. He sees us as his.
Go a little deeper, explore these ministries, and check out these articles related to gender identity and sexual orientation.
? Redeemed Lives is a ministry that offers discipleship and pastoral care training, as well as many helpful articles.
? From our sister blog, Out of Ur, Brian McLaren’s thoughts on pastoral responses to homosexuality.
? For a recent example of how colleges are shaping the discussion on sexual identity, consider the implications of this recent story.
? For an example of where the psychology field stands, see this chapter from a textbook by David Myers, professor of psychology at Hope College.
? Michael Hamblin has an extensive compilation of articles and recommended reading.
? From Building Church Leaders, an Urgent Care training pack on Homosexuality, and from Gifted for Leadership, a training pack on Homosexuals and the Church.
