Editor’s note: Dad: This column contains valuable advice specifically for you. Moms: Print this column and place it where he’s sure to see it. Ministry leaders: Distribute this to dads and you’ll accomplish serious “family ministry.”
A critical day approaches. One that requires deliberate effort to get right. Yes, a day that should cause mom to say, “Well done.” (Sorry, but I just can’t get myself to write “good and faithful servant.”)
And, unfortunately, a day that—as a dad—I often got wrong. Nothing disastrous, but nothing successful, either. Mom deserves better.
So I’ll start with an urgent plea: Dads, get Mother’s Day right this year! It’s up to you to make it happen, and the secrets to success that other, wiser dads taught me might surprise you—so keep reading.
Before I share the secrets, though, let me explain why this column is worth your time and attention.
First, I implore you to ignore any comments from your children’s mother that nobody needs to make a big deal about Mother’s Day. It’s a set up to test your commitment to her well-being. Doubt me, and you risk demise. If you dare, ask her friends if she really doesn’t want any attention. On second thought, don’t—word will get back to her. Too often, dads (me included) have unwittingly fallen asleep at the wheel instead of steering the family toward celebrating mom, and discovered afterwards that “nobody needs to” means “you better.”
Second, believe that mom deserves your best effort. Romans 13:7 tells us to pay honor to whom honor is due. If you do this well already, then keep up the great work. If you don’t (maybe someone printed this column for you), then Mother’s Day is your big opportunity.
So let’s get to work. The secrets to success: effort and time. Don’t chuckle at their apparent simplicity; again, keep reading.
Make sure your kids make real effort to celebrate mom. A card that you purchased and they sign falls short. Way short. In fact, a card qualifies as a “no big deal” gesture.
Instead, arrange for your kids to take extraordinary (for them) action, regardless of age. Breakfast in bed? It might sound corny, but it’s good start. Then have the kids make their beds without a prompt from mom. Or make their own breakfast—and clear the dishes. As the age of your child increases, so should the effort. Make a funny short video, send multiple “I love you because…” texts, wash her car, clean the house, do your own laundry, whatever shows significant effort. I know a family where the kids work together to prepare a special Mother’s Day dinner. That same family has a mom who loves and remembers her children’s efforts much more than their cooking.
The logic here: mom puts in enormous effort all year, so she’ll appreciate a child’s effort towards her. Sure, gifts are nice. But who really put the effort in? Dad, of course. You know it, the kids know it, and mom knows it too. All you need to do is chat with your children ahead of time, agree on a plan, and then make them stick to living out the plan.
We’ve covered “effort.” Now let’s focus on “time.” This one is all you, my friend.
Want to make the day truly memorable? Take the children away and give her the gift of time. While mom loves the kids, she really does want you to take them off her hands and out of her arms for a while so she can relax. I asked a local expert—my wife—for her advice to dads about the perfect, sure-to-win Mother’s Day gift, and she said, “Tell her she has the afternoon to do whatever she wants away from the house. Send her away with a coffee shop gift card. Or maybe you take the children and leave, so she can enjoy a nap, a long bath, or a good book.”
(Don’t have kids at home anymore? Consider an afternoon where you adopt the children of a single mom in your church or neighborhood for a couple hours.)
Brian, a father of three, figured out this time concept years ago. On Mother’s Day, he insists that his wife sit in the sanctuary while he checks the kids in to the children’s ministry. After church, he checks out all three while his wife chats in the church lobby. While Brian runs around, she smiles.
Dads, there’s a golden nugget here for you to consider on a weekly basis. Whenever you take the kids at any point throughout the year, something special happens. First, though, understand what “take” looks like. If you have an infant, come home from work and take care of that baby the whole evening, change diapers every chance you have, and handle bath duty. When out in public, you carry the baby, load and unload the car seat, and—for goodness sake—push the stroller yourself. For toddlers and pre-schoolers, play with them until they’re exhausted and read to them until they fall asleep. Bring your child of any age on errands; include him or her on projects around the house. Teach your son or daughter everything you can every chance you have.
The special something that happens is this: Your wife will be crazy in love with you when she can honestly say, “He’s a great dad. He’s really involved with the kids.” You can be an absolute bozo in other areas of life; get this one right, though, and she’ll love you tons. I’m not clowning around.
Funny, my wife’s nurture and care for the kids doesn’t spark anything in me. But me actively care for our kids? Wow, I can’t buy enough flowers, take her to enough shows or restaurants, or lose enough weight to match how much she digs me for being an involved dad.
You don’t have to simply take my word for it, ask your wife. Okay, I can understand that you might hesitate on that one. So to help you hear the female side once again, I asked my wife to share her thoughts. After reading this entire column, she told me to tell you: “He’s right, guys. Although it would be nice for him to lose a pound or two.”
Okay, she sent me a zinger on that last one. But she smiled.
Take her word for it; this advice will work. And when you’re running around with the kids, your wife won’t even notice those extra pounds.
After all, Mom deserves your best effort.
Happy Mother’s Day!
…outdo one another in showing honor.Romans 12:10b
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David Staal, senior editor of Today’s Children’s Ministry, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. Prior to this assignment, David led Promiseland, the children’s ministry at Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, Illinois. David is the author of Words Kids Need to Hear (2008) and lives in Grand Haven, MI, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin.
©2009, David Staal
