A mom at church recently asked me for parental advice. Specifically, she wanted to know how to make her young son stop a pattern of inappropriate behavior.
I sipped my coffee as she described his actions, concentrating on how I might help her. Actually, I strained to understand the complexity of her situation—but none existed. So I asked a simple, but jarring, question: “Have you firmly told him ‘no’ when he does that, and then showed him you mean business?”
I nearly choked on my coffee at her response: “I don’t know; he’s pretty sensitive.”
Before you write me off as insensitive, please know that I have children, too. One can handle a stern comment, the other crumbles when I raise my eyebrows. So yes, I understand that different kids require different approaches. Every child, though, deserves mom or dad’s best corrective efforts. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
Consider how many decisions are made, or not made, because a parent fears a child’s reaction. Think of all the candy purchased in checkout lanes because moms don’t want a scene—in which she might look like a bad mother to other adults or, oh my, to her child. Think of the junk food consumed (without parental objection) moments before, or in lieu of, a healthy meal. I know kids who have decided they will only eat an extremely limited menu: chicken nuggets, macaroni, pizza and sugar-loaded cereals. They typically don’t load the microwave or pour the milk for themselves, so guess who has granted approval? Think of the inappropriate clothing purchased by kids (whoops, by parents for kids) as young now as elementary-aged. Go to a mall and visit a “cool” children’s clothing store and you’ll wonder; check out what kids wear walking around the mall and you’ll panic. With your imagination now engaged, think of how many teenagers go out on dates with people who fall far short of their parents’ better judgment.
Why does all this happen? Moms and dads want their kids to like them, so a definitive “no” disappears from their parental vocabularies. Non-parent adults often do the same. Sunday school teachers or youth ministry workers face a real temptation to tolerate otherwise inappropriate behavior in an effort to appear cool to their charges and thereby win acceptance—in the name of ministry, of course. Many grandparents do it in the name of love, but we’ll extend them grace by focusing elsewhere. (You’re welcome!). School teachers know they will quickly sink with a wishy-washy approach.
The words adults need to hear on this topic: kids will still like you even after you say no. If your relationship with a child hinges on avoiding that word, you have deeper issues that need to be addressed.
A change in a child’s respect for a directive to stop also might indicate an issue worth notice. When a son or daughter who typically obeys no begins to ignore this important word, parents need to probe for the reason. For those of us in ministry, a child’s newfound lack of compliance with our restrictions often signals a problem to discuss with his or her parents. Sometimes the situation is as serious as a hidden trauma in a child’s life; in other cases, it’s as simple as a growth spurt or newly active hormones.
Does “no” really need this much attention and understanding?
In her book It Takes a Parent, Betsy Hart explains the big picture at stake that drives the urgency: “If we do not train our children as youngsters to appropriately submit to our loving authority, if instead we train their hearts in rebellion, then how will they be able to one day submit to the authority of their heavenly father? Practically speaking, this means our children have to actually hear the word ‘no.'”
The inability to heed God’s authority created problems for the first people—a trend that continues through today. Adam and Eve, although deceived, ignored the “no apples” command and took matters into their own hands. To ensure that others, including us, fully understand his expectation that we submit to his authority, God said, “Now therefore, if you obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession out of all the peoples.” (Exodus 19:5) In this verse and many others, God shares the reason behind his insistence that we obey when he says no—he loves us too much to let us do whatever our impulses dictate.
It’s up to us to love our kids in the very same way.
*adapted from the chapter titled “No” in Words Kids Need to Hear (Zondervan, 2008)
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David Staal, senior editor of Today’s Children’s Ministry, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. Prior to this assignment, David led Promiseland, the children’s ministry at Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, Illinois. David is the author of Words Kids Need to Hear (2008) and lives in Grand Haven, MI, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin. Interested in David speaking at your event? Click here
©2009, David Staal
