With Easter only days away, churches everywhere will share messages that highlight God’s plan for our forgiveness. Many houses of worship will experience larger-than-usual attendance because of the significant attention this holiday commands.
But what about teaching this lesson to the small audience at home? Helping children understand how to seek forgiveness—that is, “apologizing for what you did wrong”—might not be as easy as it sounds. While many parents insist on their children saying “I’m sorry,” this one-sided approach falls short. Don’t abandon it, but remember to apply this important truth:
Children develop the ability to authentically apologize when they know how it feels to receive an apology.
An Example
For years, my friend Joe told me about his desire to be a dad who could freely admit failings and ask for forgiveness. Opportunity came for him at an inopportune time—an unusually rough morning as his third-grade daughter, Torri, prepared for school. Clothing indecisions, delays in loading her backpack, forgetting to brush teeth; all the normal morning challenges they faced every day irritated Joe—and his mild-manner disappeared. By the time he dropped her off at 8:25 a.m., Joe admits he felt angry and frustrated with her. For the first time he could ever remember, Torri left the car without sharing any conversation, prayer, or their usual hug. Not even a goodbye; just a slammed door.
As the morning wore on, Joe became increasingly aware that the real issue had been how he handled himself—that he had been impatient and unkind. Convicted that he must do something, Joe left work and drove back to Torri’s school. Once there, he asked the receptionist to page his daughter. A moment later, Torri arrived at the office.
Joe took her to a bench in the hallway for privacy. Once there, he clearly admitted his impatience and unkindness and how his words had been hurtful. Then he said, “I’m sorry that I was not acting like the dad Jesus wants me to be.”
Torri’s reaction to his apology caught Joe by surprise. A huge grin spread across her face. She threw her arms around his neck and blurted out, “This is so cool!”
“Confessing my faults and asking her forgiveness turned out to be one of those moments that will forever bind our hearts together,” Joe says. Seven years later, they both still vividly remember that moment.
Three key points
Further examination of Joe’s story reveals three important points we can take away from what he did well:
1) Joe apologized based on an authentic, heart-felt desire. Many parents, myself included, ignore such desires because we’re so busy. If the thought I should apologize comes to mind, then act on it; that’s your heart talking.
2) Joe took timely action. To leave work and pull a student out of class might seem overzealous to some. But consider for a moment how much impact the same apology would have had eight hours later—after Torri spent her entire day in class followed by play with friends. An apology sometimes arrives too late to have full impact.
3) Joe spoke clearly and concisely. With limited words, he admitted to impatience, unkindness, and hurtful talk. After the quick, poignant apology, he stopped—and worked hard to resist the urge to offer excuses. His decision to conclude at that point preserved the power of the moment.
I repeat—keep it brief
Oh, how strong the temptation feels to continue speaking after the word “me” in “I’m sorry, please forgive me.” But be warned: The potency of an apology diminishes with every syllable that follows. In fact, you can continue to speak so long that your child forgets you apologized at all. Keep it short, though, and your son or daughter will receive the full message. In fact, your kid might even think it’s “so cool,” just like Torri did.
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David Staal, senior editor of Today’s Children’s Ministry, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. Prior to this assignment, David led Promiseland, the children’s ministry at Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, Illinois. David is the author of Words Kids Need to Hear (2008) and lives in Grand Haven, Michigan, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin. Interested in David speaking at your event? Click here
This article is adapted from the chapter titled “I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me,” in Words Kids Need to Hear (Zondervan, 2008).
©2010, David Staal
