Note: January is National Mentoring Month, which serves as an opportunity for all adults—ministry workers, mentors, and parents—to celebrate and review the powerful relationships they share with children. Forward this column to them with your affirmation and encouragement for the critical roles they play.
Once, while swimming in the ocean, a large wave knocked over my daughter, who was five years old at the time. The strong undertow held her underwater and began to pull her out to sea. As she slid past me toward open water, I looked down and saw my little girls’ eyes wide open looking back at me. I had the impression she was smiling. Adrenaline and instincts quickly engaged as I grabbed her tiny arm. I pulled her on my shoulder and in a shaky voice asked if she was okay. She said, and I will never forget these words, “I wasn’t scared. I knew you were here.”
Every child will go through rough times, but does every child have reason to feel unafraid because she knows she can count on someone to be there?
Kids long for someone to rely on, because life offers plenty of opportunities for disappointment. Evidence of that disappointment exists all around us.
- According to U.S. census data, one out of every three kids lives in a home without one or both parents.
- A Hofstra University study showed that 100 percent of kids hear hurtful names in school or the neighborhood.
- The National Mental Health Association estimates that depression affects as many as one in five teenagers, and stands as the third-highest cause of death in adolescents.
- Studies show that 17% of children are bullied 2-3 times per month or more.
More than we adults ever realize, children feel unsteady and desperately want to grab hold of a reliable hand. No matter the circumstances, you can inject confidence and stability into a youngster’s life when they believe they can count on you. But count on you for what?
Focus on just four overlapping elements of reliability, and you’ll become an everyday hero to a child—yours, or perhaps the child you mentor.
You can count on me …
To care. Everyone is aware of the demands of taking care of a newborn. We also know that the intensity with which a parent cares for a child typically declines as the child becomes increasingly self-sufficient. In contrast, however, his or her need to be cared about remains at the same high level.
For example, express active interest in what happens during and after school—the times kids will face their greatest number of adolescent challenges, problems, and pains. We adults know that children must learn to face life’s tests, but they need not learn those lessons in isolation.
“We may not be able to make their problems disappear, but even the promise of our presence and concern will help ease their pain,” say psychologists Dr. Tim Clinton & Dr. Gary Sibcy in Loving Your Child Too Much.
Scott Rubin, Willow Creek Community Church’s junior high ministry director, counsels adults to stay connected to kids by actively showing concern for what’s happening in their lives. “Even though your child might act like he doesn’t want you to ask about his life, the opposite is true,” Scott says. “Your kid needs to know someone, especially you, cares.”
To be present. Possibly the most powerful way to show you care about a child, and to establish yourself as someone he or she can count on, is by being there. Yes, our busy personal and work lives often make this very difficult. Yet children notice, and thrive, when mom or dad (or a mentor) shows up.
Psychologist Madeline Levine says, “Our children benefit more from our ability to be ‘present’ than they do from being rushed off to one more activity. Try to slow down. It is almost always in quiet, unpressured moments that kids reach inside and expose the most delicate parts of their developing selves.”
To understand. A child frequently needs an adult to set aside the temptation to instruct or give advice in favor of simply sharing in the moment at hand: a moment that offers a reason to cheer, to laugh, to cry—and always to listen. Your child will see these reactions as tangible expressions that she can count on you to understand the circumstances she is dealing with.
My daughter and I enjoy simple date nights that usually involve dessert. One evening we spent our first hour laughing and chatting over nothing important. She has a wit that always makes me chuckle. Then Erin began to describe a difficult situation she faced with a friend, and soon tears filled her eyes as she shared her hurt feelings with me. I count that second hour as one of the most important I ever spent with my daughter, even though I probably spoke fewer than a dozen words, none of which were instructional. More importantly, I looked her in the eye and kept waving off the waitress—Erin needed someone to listen, distraction-free. On our drive home she said, “Thanks for talking with me. I feel lots better now.”
Sometimes the words kids really need to hear are those they say to a caring adult willing to listen.
To keep commitments. If you can agree to only one action item from this column, then I suggest you become great at keeping commitments to your child. Big or small. Short term or long term. Why? Because you can hit homeruns on the previous four points and still lose the game if you strike out on keeping your word.
In a survey completed by 175 fourth- and fifth-grade children at a church, only 40 percent rated their parents’ ability to keep commitments as “always.” More sobering still is the fact that twenty-four percent rated parents “never” or “sometimes” able to keep a commitment.
This information illustrates a problem. Why? Because kids need the stability of believing they have someone they can rate “always” with respect to commitments.
To assure that your child would give you the highest rating, start with keeping your commitments. With this end in mind, think carefully and realistically before you commit.
Our heavenly father clearly articulates his commitment to stick with us, too. We can look to his words as the greatest example of such commitment: “God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:6) His message to us: You can count on me.
Let’s send that same message to our kids.
This column is adapted from the book Words Kids Need to Hear (Zondervan, 2008).
David Staal, senior editor for Building Church Leaders and a mentor to a Kindergarten boy, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. David is the author of Lessons Kids Need to Learn (Zondervan, 2012) and lives in Grand Haven, MI, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin.
