Where Mentoring Goes Wrong

Through the mentor's eyes

Sharon scooted between cars, hurrying through the stifling parking lot to make the meeting on time. Although only August, she already felt the pressure of a busy fall schedule. She was unsure how becoming a mentor would fit, but involvement in the life of a younger woman interested her. At least she was willing to attend the training meeting and see what it was all about.

Refreshed by the cool air in the room, Sharon found a chair. Looking around at other women, a wave of nervousness rushed over her. Was she even qualified to mentor? During the next hour, she learned the requirements of the mentoring program, looked over the recommended mentoring resources, filled out a personal profile, and signed up to bring a dessert for the kick-off event. Still the question nagged: Did she really have enough wisdom to do this? Probably not, she thought, but her love for God and young women encouraged her to press on.

Two weeks later at the kick-off event, an eager greeter handed Sharon a bright green crayon and instructed her to find the young woman with the same color crayon as hers—"'Caribbean Green.' Isn't it peppy?" Sharon returned the beaming smile, grateful for a game to help her find her mentee. The energy-filled room lifted her spirits. This was fun! She leisurely worked the room, smiling and displaying her crayon as she went.

"Excuse me. I think you are my mentor." Turning toward the voice, Sharon discovered a young brunette holding another Caribbean Green crayon. After an enthusiastic hug, Sharon suggested she and Ashley visit the refreshment table and then find a place to sit down and get acquainted. Between bites of brownies and lemon bars the women discovered they were both married to engineers, had children, were raised in the same denomination, loved to read, and had outgoing personalities. "We have so much in common," thought Sharon. Next they visited the resource table to select a book to study together and agreed upon a time and place to meet the next week. As Sharon waved good-bye, her heart swelled with joy. She had stepped outside her comfort zone when she agreed to be a mentor but now she was thankful. It would be rewarding to teach Ashley the things she wished she had known as a young woman.

The next week Sharon devoured the book they had picked out to study. She made notes for discussion and identified two additional Bible verses to examine. She was keenly aware of her responsibility to steer Ashley in the right direction. With her china coffee cups ready on the table, she glanced around the room one more time to verify that everything was in order for this first meeting. Ashley arrived at the appointed hour and the women chatted for a few minutes about their week. Then Sharon prayed and they discussed the first chapter. Sharon was encouraged by Ashley's responses to the questions, observing that several important insights surfaced. They closed their time together by sharing prayer requests and scheduled a second meeting the following week. Sharon liked Ashley. She was confident they would become friends and enjoy spending time together. Over the next few days she thought about several additional topics they should study together. She enjoyed being a mentor!

Ashley canceled the next meeting. Sharon called to stay in touch but only talked to Ashley's voice mail. Four weeks later they met again, and Sharon began to wonder about Ashley's ability to keep a commitment. Sharon felt that the mentoring process would not work unless they met regularly. After meeting sporadically over the next three months, Ashley informed Sharon that her schedule was too full to continue. Perplexed and disappointed, Sharon wondered what went wrong. She had done her best to offer Ashley biblical wisdom. She assured herself it wasn't personal, but feelings of failure lingered.

Through the mentee's eyes

"Have you thought about a mentor?" Ashley's friend inquired as she buckled her son into his car seat. "Hmmm … I think I would like that. I would love to have input from an older woman who has been down this road and learn how her faith helped her handle the challenges." Ashley gave up her position as a successful corporate attorney to support her husband's lucrative job promotion, requiring a move. The changes brought unexpected demands and problems to her new suburban doorstep. Should she join a firm here and continue her climb up the corporate ladder? Or should she join the ranks of stay-at-home moms? Now that both children were in elementary school, her guilt over working subsided, but she longed to explore the ramifications of these critical decisions with a woman who had been there. Ashley considered her friend's suggestion.

Ashley navigated the hallway maze looking for the sign-up coffee for prospective mentees. "Welcome!" smiled a friendly grey-haired woman. "Can I make you a name tag?" Ashley sipped coffee and balanced a pumpkin spice muffin on her knee while jotting answers on a personal profile. Another enthusiastic older woman gathered the young mentees to explain how the mentoring program would work. Then each young woman was asked to sign a covenant promising to meet regularly with her mentor over the next year, speak with and pray for her weekly, and attend a celebration tea with her when the mentoring term came to a close. Ashley hesitated. This level of commitment felt overwhelming. She already struggled to keep up with the demands of her busy life now. She doubted this was realistic. And, what was a "celebration tea" and why was it necessary? She felt uncomfortable but signed the covenant because it was required to be paired with a mentor. She would meet her mentor the following week at the kick-off event.

In the intervening week Ashley had second thoughts. The process impressed her as over-organized. She was nervous about the mentor who would be selected for her. She thought about the older women she knew; some she admired, and some she didn't. For Ashley, age and Bible knowledge did not necessarily qualify a woman to be a mentor. She preferred to meet with a woman she knew, but since she was new to the area this program seemed the only option.

When Ashley was handed the Caribbean Green crayon she tried not to wince. Games like this reminded her of middle school. She felt awkward as she looked around the room. This might not work. She wondered if these women could understand her or the challenges she faced. Fortunately she quickly spotted the other Caribbean Green crayon and the game mercifully ended when she introduced herself to Sharon.

At their first meeting, Ashley arrived with an incomplete lesson, but found Sharon pleasant and eager to help anyway. Sharon guided the discussion and supplied the information Ashley missed. Ashley left without mentioning the inner turmoil brought on by her recent move; it didn't seem to fit the discussion. She was now unsure Sharon was the right person to help her. During the discussion on the book, Ashley did manage to pick up the fact that Sharon lived in the same town her whole life. Could Sharon relate to her struggles with relocation? Would Sharon understand her career dilemma?

Ashley's busy schedule kept her from meeting with Sharon the next three weeks. With the insistent demands of her two children, development of a part-time legal practice, and volunteer work at the women's shelter, there was little time. With a pang of guilt, she put off meeting for another week so she could complete the lesson in the book. Sharon called, but Ashley never found time to return phone calls. The next several meetings were similar to the first. If Ashley had a question, Sharon would point to a Bible verse and tell her the right way to respond. Sharon did not seem to struggle like she did. Ashley was disappointed that after several meetings she still didn't know Sharon's struggles or her journey of faith.

After three months Ashley lost interest. The book was good, but she could find much of the same information on the Internet or podcasts. She liked Sharon but with all she had going on, meeting with her was not worth the time required. She told Sharon she appreciated her help but schedule demands would prevent additional meetings. Ashley realized they would feel awkward if they met at church. Both were embarrassed the relationship did not work out. Ashley would not try this again. She wondered if she could just find an older woman who would meet her at Starbucks and help her process life.

Culture makes a difference

Most young people today hunger for mentoring. Leadership consultant Michael Hyatt remarks, "If there's one thing I have learned, it's that young men and women are desperate for mentors who will build into their lives." Never has a generation been more open to mentoring and never has the need for mentors been greater than it is now. One 25-year-old recently confessed, "I desperately want mentors. I stalk older women to mentor me. My friends and I are all dry sponges in need of encouragement, help, love, and listening ears."

Unfortunately, today many mentoring partnerships experience outcomes similar to Sharon and Ashley's. Research reveals that up to 80 percent of young women abandon traditional mentoring programs in the first six months of participation.

While the younger generation wistfully longs for mentors, perplexed older women pray the next recruiting campaign will bring them in. What's happening here?

Where mentoring disconnects

"My church has a mentoring program, but I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole." -Alisa, age 34

The Christian community has long valued mentoring as a means to pass the faith from one generation to the next. Christian women in particular seek to carry out the mandate of Titus 2:2-3 and mentor to teach and train younger women. Faithful women take this responsibility seriously. If young women search for mentors and older woman stand ready, what is the disconnect?

The disconnect is largely cultural. Those born after about 1965, which includes most of the women who seek mentors, grew up in a culture remarkably different from their parents. During this time major advancements in technology changed the ways people experienced virtually every aspect of life. As a result they see, understand, and engage the world differently than previous generations. They are the product of a culture dominated by the Internet, global connections, high-speed communication, and endless information. Ideas and methods preferred by their parents and grandparents appear cumbersome and even strange to this group. They want mentors but have completely different expectations for how that relationship will look.

What's different?

Understanding the values and preferences of each generation is a good place to start:

Older women value programs, structure, and organization. Younger women value organic, flexible approaches.
Older women believe you must be a positive role model. Younger women believe you must be yourself.
Older women prefer to teach or impart wisdom. Younger women want to process life and learn from real experiences.
Older women prefer to learn through instruction. Younger women prefer to learn through stories, experiences, and lived-out truth.
Older women value privacy. Younger women value transparency.
Older women see distinct standards for how one should live as a woman. Younger women believe there is no one right way to be a woman.
Older women see one mentor for each mentee. Younger women prefer to learn from multiple mentors.
Older women prefer scheduled terms that start and stop. Younger women want an ongoing relationship and are content to build it over time.
Older women embrace contractual commitments. Younger women continue only if the experience is valuable.

A quick scan of this list verifies what many of us already know—the generations often have a substantially different outlook on life. Locating the fine line between natural and overly structured is enough to make many older mentors a little crazy.

If you were mentored in the traditional method, you probably scheduled a weekly meeting and showed up on time. Both of you believed regularly scheduled meetings were necessary if you were to benefit from the relationship. But, the constant refrain we hear from Postmoderns is that regular mentoring schedules don't work for them. An up-front commitment to a year-long program that involves weekly contact is enough to send many young women packing. In their eyes, this seems like rigid micromanagement, and mentoring feels more like a forced task than a relationship. They say things like, "I don't want something that requires a huge time commitment. I want something laid back that fits my busy schedule."

A life on life relationship

For several years when I was going through mom's death and trials in court, I sought out women to talk with but found none. I was usually sent to the pastor of the church when all I really wanted was someone to listen and care about me. There was one lady from my hometown I would get to talk to every once in a while. It was so refreshing to my soul. I cherish it to this day. However, it is difficult when you live in different states. I just remember craving that kind of relationship.
-Stephanie, age 31

Those who embrace an organic way of life prefer a mentoring experience that feeds and grows them naturally, instead of according to a timetable. "I want my mentoring relationship to have a family feel. I want to connect with my mentor at important times or when I have something to talk about," explained Emma, age 25. Is it possible an organic approach is strong enough to get the job done?

We believe effective mentoring can be both intentional and organic, but intentional no longer means yearlong commitments and weekly schedules. An organic approach lays the calendar aside and focuses on developing quality relationships. Commitment is still a part of the process, but we can relax and let it unfold naturally. Rather than checking off a weekly meeting, we need to think big picture. How is the relationship developing? Are we there for one another when needs arise? What is the quality of the time we spend together? We can be quite intentional about creating a quality organic experience, and discover, to our surprise, that an organic approach works.

For over three decades, we've mentored women and led ministries with women. During recent years, we've observed that demand for mentors is higher than ever but traditional endeavors sit idle due to lack of young participants. And when young women like Ashley do participate, far too many leave unfulfilled and disappointed. We grieve when mentoring relationships fail unnecessarily. Parties limp away wounded and the church suffers.

It is incumbent on mature women of God to break through the impasse and provide the vital mentoring relationships young women long for. We must find ways to retain one of the most valuable tools for spiritual growth. Both generations have much to contribute to the other, and when we walk through life together, both of us experience a fuller life.

Sue Edwards is associate professor of Educational Ministries and Leadership at Dallas Theological Seminary. Barbara Neumann is an adjunct professor in the Christian Education department at Dallas Theological Seminary. Together they co-authored Organic Mentoring: A Mentor's Guide to Relationships with Next Generation Women, to be published soon by Kregel, from which this article was adapted.