In a typical day, an average adult will speak about 16,000 words. When you consider all the meetings, phone calls, presentations, questions, answers, and opining that make up your day, you might wonder if this average is too low. But not all your words are equally important. An important question to ask: which conversation will be the most important? That’s the conversation that deserves your best effort.
Teenagers get it. Studies show that 65 percent of youth would give up a weeknight activity with friends to be able to eat another meal with their own family. Another study reveals that half of teenagers identify the best time to talk with parents about something important to them as during (or right after) a meal. They have figured out that the conversation around a meal is the most important of the day. And the same is true for you and me. So let’s look at five practical ways to do mealtime well.
- Alternate who says the prayer. Wait, doesn’t this abdicate a parent’s role as the spiritual head of the family? Short answer: no. In fact, rotating this responsibility makes praying feel both easy and a natural thing to do for kids of all ages (adults, too). Plus, it reinforces the accessibility of God to everyone—not just adults. Consider the speaking skills developed during a time when, if mom or dad always prays, the kids might otherwise zone out.
- Share your favorite part of the day. Make sure to go around the table, and complete the whole lap before anyone can leave. Along the way, the only one who can speak is the person who’s sharing. After he or she finishes, go ahead and ask clarifying questions or offer affirmation and/or congratulations. For any parent who wants to stay fluent with what’s important to his or her children, this is golden learning time. Just be sure to let only one person speak at a time; interrupting will cause a young person to shut down.
- When time permits, share your least favorite part of the day. When this opportunity follows the “favorite,” a safe zone exists for getting an issue out in the open. Resist the urge to problem-solve, though, or another shutdown will happen. Instead, offer an opportunity for as many or as few details as the person feels like providing. Want to know what’s causing anxiety or a mood swing? Make this a staple of your mealtime conversations.
- Shut off and ignore technology. No texts, tweets, posts, snaps, instagrams, or phone calls. And no exceptions. Even for parents. Make it a family rule that no one brings their phone to the table, that the television is turned off, and that you let the phone ring without answering while at the table. When our phone rings during dinner I always say, “The most important people in my life are right here. Whoever it is can wait.” This practice drives my mother-in-law crazy. That’s enough motivation to give it a try, right?
- Create a way to celebrate achievements. A friend and mentor once shared with me his family’s tradition called the “victory candle.” Whenever a family member has an accomplishment worthy of special attention, a lit candle appears on the dinner table. After a brief explanation of what’s being celebrated, a toast is given, and then a short description and date is recorded in a small notebook. My friend went on to describe how, years after his children grew and left home, they still enjoyed reading the Victory Candle Book and reminiscing about those special moments.
There is a long list of proven benefits of kids eating meals with family—and the need for a safe, reliable place to process life continues to grow. A recent Hofstra University study that showed 100 percent of kids today at one time or another get called hurtful names at school or in the neighborhood. Harvard Medical School studies show that kids engage with media and all its messages on average for 6.5 hours each day.
With such formidable—yet predictable—competition for influence in your kids’ lives, carefully consider how to get the most from your 16,000 words. In a society with microwave expectations and fast food habits, take time to do family meals, and do them well. What’s shared around the table will always be your most important conversation.
David Staal, senior editor for Building Church Leaders and a mentor to a first grader, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. David is the author of Lessons Kids Need to Learn (Zondervan, 2012) and Words Kids Need to Hear (Zondervan, 2008). He lives in Grand Haven, MI, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin.
