Glenn T. Stanton is the director of Family Formation Studies at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs and a research fellow at the Institute of Marriage and Family in Ottawa. He has also published multiple books on relationships, family, and marriage. His latest book, Loving my (LGBT) Neighbor: Being friends in grace and truth talks about what it looks like for the church to love those in the LGBT community.
1) You've spent a lifetime doing research on the family. What trends do you see that are positive among American families and what trends give you pause?
First, there has never been a golden age of family. Each generation has its own challenges, its own strengths and weaknesses. But some do better than others of course. There are indeed positives movements today. Polling consistently shows us that both marriage and parenthood remain the most important life desire for most people. This has to do, I think, with the fact that so many of them were deprived strong, intact families in their childhood. Each generation is shaped significantly by what they were denied. The generation of the Great Depression became one of the most prosperous generations, and this generation has some very deeply held pro-family desires because of what they were denied. This is a great opportunity for the church today to help them know their desire is reasonable and attainable.
At the same time, we have lots of family confusion. The two largest run-away family trends in the US and throughout the West are cohabitation and unmarried child-bearing, with nearly half of them taking place in cohabiting relationships. I believe this has much to do with what I call “the man problem.” Women will always deeply desire to marry and become mothers. They don’t need convincing or encouragement generally. If they cannot find dependable, marriageable men, they will settle for the next best thing: getting a man they can at least live with and have babies with before their biological clock ticks down. This is what we are seeing, especially where unmarried child-bearing is increasing.
I am also very concerned about our growing confusion on the importance of male and female for the family. There is a deep theological perspective as its male and female that represent God’s image in the world. No wonder their necessity is being challenged. Attached to this is the growing brave new world of artificial reproduction technology which is reducing the essential essence of female and male down to merely sperm and egg and the sexual communion between a mother and father is superfluous.
2) The topic of marriage is very divisive in the culture. It seems that many Christians don't know how to hold both truth and grace in tension on this subject. How would you advise them as they engage the issue of marriage?
I would strongly encourage all Christians to engage the issue of marriage today. It has both profound theological and sociological importance. Being obedient to Christ’s two great commandments require that we be concerned about the nature, understanding, and practice of marriage today. That surely seems like a stretch to many, but not at all.
Marriage is the nature of the relationship between Christ and his church. The deepest part of his heart for us as of a Bridegroom in pursuit of his bride. To say marriage is a side issue for the church is to say something deeply insulting to God. Concerning love of neighbor, the health of marriage in a culture is the most important and impactful measure of how well children, women and men will thrive in that society. Every natural human pathology we experience is driven as significantly as anything by the marital status of adults and parents. There is no important well-being indicator personally or societally that is not positively impacted by marital health or negatively impacted by its decline.
Polling consistently shows us that both marriage and parenthood remain the most important life desire for most people.
3) You talk about loving your LGBT neighbor. Some view love only in terms of affirmation of behavior and lifestyle. But is there a way to love and yet gently lead someone toward gospel truth?
Unfortunately you are so right. It has become a false truism in the culture today that to truly love our LGBT neighbors—which we are commanded to do, as we are all neighbors—we must approve of same-sex sexual expression or at least remain silent. To not approve is to be obtuse at best and hateful and bigoted at worst. This is not only incorrect, but illogical. What other issue or topic do we insist that agreement and affirmation is required for genuine friendship?
Regarding this issue and the effectiveness of our gospel outreach, I would first say that loving our LGBT neighbors and developing such friendships cannot be for the purpose of sharing the gospel. Friendship is an inherent good, an end in itself. Now as friendships develop, the issue of Christ’s love, death and resurrection for us will come up. Given that, I strongly reject the assumption so prevalent in the church today that taking an active and vocal stand against the mainstreaming of homosexuality will hinder the gospel. Now we can do it in a horrible way, and that can be a hindrance. That’s on us. It must be done in the nature of Christ, full of both grace and truth as we read in John 1:14.
Rick Warren made this point so strongly in his address at the recent Vatican colloquium on the family, saying he has taken a strong position both scripturally and politically on same-sex marriage and at the same time just baptized his 40,000 adult convert. The two can certainly co-exist, and must!
4) If you are advising pastors and church leaders on this subject, how to preach, teach, and lead, what would you say?
First, don’t make the “gay issue” a different kind of issue. Every person—gay, straight or otherwise—has two basic things true of them: 1) All of us are unconditionally loved by God. No exceptions. 2) Each of us is stricken with a terminal illness—sin. No exceptions. So should we welcome our gay and lesbian neighbors to our churches? Of course. Sinners are the only folks that Jesus and the church know what to do with, right? That includes everyone. No good church fails to call all to repentance for our own unique sins.
This is advice I give in the book, a nice three point sermon: a) Totally love all those who come to you. b) Boldly preach the Word of God, faithfully in both grace and truth. c) Cooperate with the Holy Spirit as best you can as he convicts each member of your flock of their sin. At least don’t get in his way as he does. Do these well and you will do fine.
Loving our LGBT neighbors and developing friendships cannot be for the purpose of sharing the gospel. Friendship is an inherent good, an end in itself.
5) You've traveled around the country debating and discussing marriage with people who vehemently disagree with you and yet you've maintained friendships. How can Christians do this well?
Have the desire and understanding of why doing so matters. Developing these very meaningful relationships with those I debate and duke it out with drives me to seek to be fairer in what I say and write, even in personal conversations with my friends. It also keeps me from operating from false stereotypes regarding what “those people” believe. I have the benefit of hearing what it is they actually believe. And I can then affirm those things that are true about what they actually believe and challenge those beliefs that I believe are false. This is true with all our relationships with those who disagree with us.
But beyond realizing the importance and value of such relationships, I try to follow the simple example of Christ, as I just mentioned we find in John 1:14. Approach these relationships at every moment in full and equal measures of grace and truth. Treat the person as much as possible in uncompromising grace. Treat the issue itself in clear and uncompromising truth. Getting these two things as right as possible will see you through the difficulties inherent in such relationships. And it can transform them into some of the most rewarding friendship you will have.
Daniel Darling is vice-president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. He is the author of several books, including his latest, Activist Faith.
