Today we spoke with speaker, author and blogger, Erin Davis. Erin addresses women of all ages nationwide and is committed to sharing God’s truth with others. Her latest book Connected: Curing the Pandemic of Everyone Feeling Alone Together looks at the roles things like technology and social media have had on our relationships and idea of community.
1) People today are more connected than ever before thanks to social media, smartphones, and the proliferation of communication options. And yet, you say, we might be lonelier than ever. Why is this?
We've made a fundamental switch. We base our relationships on being loved. You may have lots of Twitter followers who love everything you tweet or tons of people in your contacts who love to get a funny text from you. But there is a dramatic difference between being loved and being known. The Bible gives us a picture of souls knit together in 1 Samuel 18:1 that I think is a picture of what many of us are missing in our highly connected world.
Knowing says, "I see who you are and choose to weave my life into yours," How much better does that sound than simply "I love you?" I think if we are honest, few of our Facebook and Twitter followers really know us. Somewhere along the way we've lost the know how to knit our souls to others. That makes us feel lonely.
2) How can the Church provide answers for loneliness? Can an overemphasis on a "personal relationship with Christ" undermine our God-given need for community?
I believe the church holds the only vaccine to our lonely problem. But sometimes, our Christian communities elevate a solitary faith. God is supposed to be all we need after all, right?
I call it the Patmos Syndrome. We elevate John, isolated on the island of Patmos, as somehow more holy or more spiritual than John when he was part of a pack of disciples. We hold high those saints who go at it alone and willingly choose isolation for the sake of the kingdom.
But what if we've got it all wrong? What if God wanted us to be connected to others so much that he hardwired the craving to connect into our very DNA? The church needs to be teaching something that we see clearly in Scripture, mainly that we need each other. There is accountability, support, wisdom, and strength to be found in choosing to weave our lives into the lives of others.
For community to really take root, the church also must make peace with the messiness of life. If we feel we can only come to church as the best version of ourselves without sin or issues or fears, true connection will not happen. The Gospel draws people to churches, once they are there churches need to find ways to connect people with each other. This doesn't have to be highly programmed but it can be. I think the churches that are doing it best have an overt culture of "we need each other here."
I think if we are honest, few of our Facebook and Twitter followers really know us. Somewhere along the way we've lost the know how to knit our souls to others. That makes us feel lonely.
3) How would you counsel pastors and church leaders as they think through this issue of loneliness?
This is going to feel like a bit of a gut punch perhaps, but the loneliest women I met while researching this book were pastor's wives. I interviewed so many pastor's wives who wept over the deep loneliness they feel as a result of their roles or their husband's roles in the church. So, I suppose there needs to be some change top down. Our church leadership needs community desperately. My husband was on staff at a church for more than a decade, so I understand the unique challenges that exist, but if I had it to do over again, I would never have sacrificed intimate relationships on the altar of ministry. It simply was not worth the price. Any time I have a chance to talk to church leaders I tell them what I found among pastor's wives in the hopes that a willingness to fight for community will start with our church leaders.
Beyond that, I would tell pastors that true connection is what everyone is looking for. Atheists have started planting "churches" and those churches are growing like crazy because they want the fellowship and connection we have as Christians. Because of that, helping people see the value in community and finding a way to help your people's relationship roots run deep is not a secondary work. It is what will make the church a beacon of truth for the Gospel.
4) Your primary audience is women. Do you think women are more lonely today than in other generations and if so, why?
Long before I wrote a book on loneliness, I started calling this generation of teenage girls "The Lonely Generation." I do think they are lonelier than any generation before them, which is shocking since in many ways they are more connected than ever before. Mental health providers have noticed a significant uptick in "skin hunger." This is basically the adult version of failure to thrive and the core issue is that so many of us go all day without any meaningful physical or emotional contact with others. The issue isn't isolated to teenagers. Once I started digging I found lonely women in every demographic.
The reasons for this are complex. There is no single root cause. In the book I identify several "modern day Trojan horses." These are things we think are a gift, so we wheel them into the gates of our lives, but eventually they turn and attack the things we most treasure, mainly our relationships.
Technology is one of these Trojan horses, but certainly not the only one. Busyness plays a major role. We seem to have developed a collective mindset that busyness is a synonym for productivity. We fill our calendars to the brink to prove we live significant lives, but the roots of our relationships cannot run deep without some white space. Women are also specifically prone to want to be perfect or to be seen as perfect. Wearing a mask is a major barrier to intimacy.
Some of these issues have always been around. But less connection with extended family, the transient nature of our work lives, and the ways that technology has revolutionized how we spend our time seem to be exacerbating these issues in the lives of many women.
Helping people see the value in community and finding a way to help your people's relationship roots run deep is not a secondary work. It is what will make the church a beacon of truth for the Gospel.
5) Mothers, though surrounded by children and family and friends, are often lonely. Is it hard for women to develop more life-giving, deep relationships with other women?
This book is really an answer to one such woman. After I spoke at an event about loneliness, she approached me. She told me she was a mother of four and a pastor's wife and then she handed me a crumpled piece of paper while she sobbed. When I opened her note it said, "I'm lonely too" and I knew I had hit an exposed nerve.
I think it is very hard for women to develop deep relationships with other women. There are lots of reasons for this but that doesn't change the fact that God's design is for us to be closely connected with women from other generations. This is the game plan for teaching Truth outlined in Titus 2:3-5. Women are to teach each other the things of God. We cannot do that if we aren't in close relationships with each other.
Daniel Darling is vice-president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. He is the author of several books, including his latest, Activist Faith.
