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Who is at the Center of your Family?

I wrote last week about our upcoming move to a small boarding school in Connecticut, and I wrote about my fears related to that move, fears which focused upon Penny's schooling. As we were contemplating the move, a friend said, "I don't think you want to have a Penny-centered family." We don't want our family to revolve around Penny's needs or around fears about her future.

I shared this comment with a mother of a 30-year old with special needs, and this mother said, "I totally disagree. K (their daughter) had more needs than our other kids and required more of our attention. So we had to make decisions for the whole family that centered around her."

At the end of the day, I think both friends are right. There will be times when one member of our family requires particular effort, attention, and resources. There will be times when it seems as if our lives revolve around that person. And there will be times when Penny in particular, because she is our child with "special" needs, requires that we make decisions primarily based upon her needs. But even then, my desire is for our family to revolve around God, with trust that God actually cares about us and what we do. So when Peter had a job opportunity that excited him, we didn't automatically go for it. We considered it in the context of God's call upon our lives. We considered it in the context of the needs of each member of our family. And, when other opportunities arise in the future, we'll do the same, for me and for each of our children. 

But it's still hard to work this all out in practice. When William feels left out because I'm spending time with Penny doing her reading homework. When Penny misses out on time with me, in comparison to her siblings, because she's at school all day. When William asks if he can take violin lessons and I struggle to figure out a way to give him that time. When Marilee plays with a box of plastic toys instead of reading a book on my lap because I need to make lunch in the morning. I don't want any of them to become the center, but I also don't want to push any of them to the edges. And I want them each to know that they are loved as individuals but that they also have to understand themselves in the context of a family, in the context of sacrificing for one another, at least on occasion.

In the case of Peter's potential job, for Peter to turn it down because of Penny's needs would have been an act motivated by fear of the unknown. And so we had to move forward by faith. We had to trust that care for our family happens in the context of considering the needs of each member and then the needs of the whole. We had to trust that God will take care of each and every one of us.

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