Perhaps This Mid-May
I found out that my friend Carter had died in May 2014. That was 28 months into my infertility journey. Twenty-eight months of Please, God, please; No, Lord, no; and Show us your grace, Father. Twenty-eight cycles of wait, despair, and trust in the One who planned purpose in it all. My husband and I had endured the tests, taken the standard medication, administered the shots, and had found ourselves with medically diagnosed “unexplained infertility.” And we were two months from the end of our treatment plan and from giving over our unmet hope of biological children to God and resting in him there.
We had tried to figure out why God would withhold a child from us. Was God disciplining us? Was he protecting us from something we didn’t know? Did he have an entirely different purpose for our lives that could not be fulfilled with biological children? We never landed on an answer, but we knew God was at work. Like Paul with his thorn, Job in his trials, and Jesus in Gethsemane, we had no explanations, only assurances of God’s character and a call to obedience. God is full of surprises, and by his grace we found peace in his plan for our lives—with or without kids—because we learned to trust that we truly wanted what he wanted for us. And we wanted what he promises: more and more of himself.
Carter Knox had been my boss, mentor, and grandfather in the faith. His mission was to bring Christ to corporate America through servant leadership. And as executive vice president of human resources, he actually saw his resources as human. He knew about the struggling relationships, the drug addictions, the financial crises, and the closed womb. And he prayed for it all. When he retired in 2012, he continued ...
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- Editors’ Note
Issue 27 (our first anniversary!): Peregrine falcons, the storm that changed Western Christianity, and a wonderful word after waiting. /
- Finding Flight with the Falcons
Considering the peregrine, who are we to think we belong in the air? /
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God may or may not have played a role in the defeat of the Spanish Armada. What mattered is that everyone at the time thought he did. /
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‘I can look nowhere / but up the sheer red walls’ /
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