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There are also children who don't act out their defiance in an aggressive way but tend to do their own thing or simply ignore what other people want or need.

Our daughter, Sheryl, was more of a creative child who liked to explore and dream. She always wanted to do things a little left of center. That may have contributed to her rebellion.

But keep in mind that just as there's no guarantee a child won't rebel, these personality traits don't mean a child is destined to become a prodigal. They are simply clues that what worked for the other children in the family might not work for this child.

There has been a lot of discussion about the parents of the boys involved in the Columbine shootings. From the outside, it seems like there were some signs that weren't picked up. Of course there are kids who are so secretive that even an involved parent wouldn't see disaster coming. We'll never know if the parents of those boys could have done something differently. But I think most of the time, parents who pay attention to their kids all along the way can spot changes in behavior or attitude that signal trouble. Then they can get help before the problems turn into something tragic.

How does a parent maintain that kind of awareness with an 11-year-old who insists on privacy or a 14-year-old who won't talk about anything?

Be observant. Keep your eyes and ears open. Listen to what the kids are saying. Listen to what they're not saying. Listen with your eyes. We hear more with our eyes than we do with our ears.

Research on listening suggests that 7 percent of what we take from a conversation is based on the content of what is said, 38 percent is based on tone of voice, 55 percent is based on non verbal signals such as the way the speaker is sitting or what she does with her hands. Parents need to watch their kids. Hear what they're saying. Have an open door where they can bring the friends over. And know something about the families of these friends, too.

So if a child does rebel, despite the parent's best efforts, it must be devastating. How can parents deal with the emotions that come with a prodigal child?

I counsel parents to start by allowing themselves to grieve the loss they're experiencing. This is a major upset. Your family is not turning out the way you hoped it would and that brings on a whole myriad of emotions—guilt, anger, blame, confusion, doubt. Those emotions have to be dealt with in order for the family to stay healthy and deal with the crisis in an effective way.

I encourage parents to find a support group through their church or a community organization. When parents withdraw into themselves, the only people they're talking to about this is each other and they aren't experts. They're people in pain. They need comfort. They need encouragement. They need guidance.

After a while, I think parents simply have to relinquish their child and give him or her to God. This should be the first thing we do, but for many parents, we'll exhaust our own resources before recognizing that God will be the one to bring change. You almost have to detach yourself from the child and realize that you can't control him and bring him back. What you can do is what we ended up doing. We prayed that, since Sheryl wouldn't listen to us, God would connect her with people she would listen to. And that's what ended up happening. God used a friend of Sheryl's to get her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting where she finally saw that she had a problem. We never could have gotten her to go to AA, but her friend did.