God Rest Ye Merry, Gentle Readers:

The bells of Christmas are ringing as Salvation Army lassies again appear on downtown sidewalks. But for many of them the traditional red noses and frostbitten toes are a thing of Christmas past. Instead of shivering in the cold as they jingle bells beside their kettles, many lassies now sit in heated cubicles and serve as Chrismas disc jockeys, playing the Top Ten carols for weary shoppers.

This affluent holiday scene reminds me that I should inform you of my annual gift list for religious friends. Once again my liberality is boundless.

William Sloane Coffin, Jr.—An “Uncle Sam Wants You” poster and a personal letter of greeting from Lt. Gen. Lewis B. Hershey.

Father James Kavanaugh—The new book, The Celibate Condition and Sex, to burn in the fireplace of his honeymoon bungalow.

King/Bishop Homer Tomlinson—Another world to conquer.

Ethel Waters—A contract to give singing lessons to that self-conscious sparrow in her favorite song.

Carl McIntire—A ham radio set for dispensing the baloney he includes in attacks on non-conciliar (i.e., non-ACCC) Christians.

Joe Pyne—A pinch of salt for the biggest bag of religious nuts ever fed to the public.

Mohammed Ali (Cassius Clay)—A commission as Muslim chaplain to our Black Muslim fighting men wherever they are stationed in the inner city.

Roger Garaudy—The chair of Christian-Marxist theology at a union seminary.

Father James Groppi—A tube of Tanfastic to help make him a more acceptable protest leader of black-power mongers.

Arthur Ford—A spirited trip to the nether regions with Jayne Mansfield rather than “Fletcher” as his guide.

Harvey Cox—A case of napalm for use in securing “violence-justified” goals.

From a heart overflowing with Christmas cheer, may I, in this ...

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