Minister’s Workshop: Single Adults Are Grown up, Too

IAM SINGLE.

I have close friends. I date. I find my vocation fulfilling and challenging. I am satisfied with my life—except for one thing. There is no place in the church for me.

In a June 4, 1976, editorial, CHRISTIANITY TODAY charged that the church still believes that single people are abnormal. That’s true in 1978. Most church singles programs seem to be designed for lonely misfits in need of therapy and counseling. Even current literature about Christian singles succumbs to this faulty concept, as William Lyons did in A Pew for One Please. He said, “I believe—I believe very strongly—that single people have a great need for psychological help; and in great part this need could be met through participation in a church singles program” (p. 107).

I won’t go to that kind of program. I don’t have a great need for psychological help. I need a singles group that accepts me for who I am—a whole person—and that will meet my needs for Christian fellowship and spiritual food without insulting my personality.

For a single balanced person, that sort of group is almost impossible to find. Fortunately I found one, and its characteristics reveal principles that will create a group appealing to any normal single adult.

First, we lead ourselves. This is crucial, because bringing in a professional to lead a singles group shouts loud and clear that the church does not consider the single to be an adult capable of leadership. Does the church hire a marriage counselor to teach Sunday school classes of adult married couples? Then why is a professional needed to babysit adults who happen to be unmarried?

Therefore leadership should be assumed by members of the singles group. The group I attend perhaps has an extreme version of that philosophy, for we do not have officers. Instead we have a Steering Committee consisting of six members. Every three months two of the members leave and are replaced through an election. This committee has the responsibility for the behind-the-scenes organization and leads the opening and closing moments of our meetings, but the weekly program is delegated to a different group member each week. We do not want a group of leaders and followers, so we try to distribute responsibility among all the members.

We also think that single people have unique spiritual needs. Remember, as a married person’s spirituality is developed in the context of marriage, so a single person’s spirituality is shaped by his being single. A single person needs a way of thinking, acting, and praying that integrates singleness with life and helps him discover the qualities he possesses to build up the body of Christ. So our weekly Sunday evening meetings are spent studying some aspect of our faith.

Yet that area must be handled carefully. In the two years my group has been in existence, we have discovered certain crucial guidelines for our studies. First, no lectures. We don’t want to be told what to think. We prefer to discuss, argue, and come to our own conclusions. Simulation games, case studies, buzz groups—we’ve used all these methods. Or we divide into groups of five or six to discuss how specific Scripture references apply to a particular situation.

Relevance is another essential ingredient for us. We are struggling to create life styles that glorify God. We want to serve him in our jobs. We feel responsible for other people. We don’t want musty old truths that remain in the days before Christ. Rather we want to wrestle with the problems facing us and come up with answers to help us witness for Christ.

For example, we recently finished an eight-week study on Old Testament prophets. Finding modern-day significance in Habakkuk could be a challenge, but the three members who led the meeting managed to do it. Through a creative skit, we learned that when the Israelites complained about their circumstances God told them to remember what he had done for them in the past. We then applied that principle by writing down instances when God had worked powerfully in our lives. As we were sharing these experiences with each other, we learned what the Israelites had learned—God is in control.

My group realizes, though, that spiritual emphasis must be complemented by fellowship, since we do not have the support of a spouse. Part of this need is met during our scheduled weekly meeting. Often we spend the first half hour getting to know each other by answering a question such as “What kind of toothpaste do you use” or “What was the highlight of your week?” We have found that this breaks the ice and helps us talk with each other more easily after the meeting. After all, we already know something about each other. And we make sure we have snacks available after the meeting; this encourages people to stay and talk.

We also need social interaction apart from the scheduled meetings. Yet my group is cautious in this area, because a social policy can easily destroy a singles group. Often too many activities are planned. The result: The group demands a member’s complete attention and provides an escape from the world. We don’t want that, so we never plan more than two social functions each month. We’ve found that an informal volleyball night and a more organized party such as a potluck supper meet our need to establish friendships without stifling our lives.

The purpose of the social activities must also be kept in mind. Too many singles groups slip into the dating/mating game complex. This destroys the effectiveness of the group. Competition for dates ruins the unity. Unaccompanied males and females always feel out of place. Romance is not the sum total of life, and normal single adults enjoy times of fun and fellowship with the opposite sex without romantic pursuit.

That is not to say dating should be discouraged. Rather, it should be handled in a different way. Because of the few number of social activities our group holds, plenty of nights are left free for dating. Or if a date includes a group activity, the couple deals with our group as individuals, not as a couple.

The mechanics of a singles group are not nearly as important as following the above principles. Meeting times, frequency of meetings, types of social activities—all those details should be determined by the individuals in the group and what they prefer. What is important is to remember the basic needs of single people. We need to be treated as the responsible adults we are. We need fellowship with our peers to help us integrate our singleness with a couple-centered society and provide the support a marriage partner usually supplies. And we need, like all other people, to learn about God and grow more mature in our walk with him. Respect our integrity, and you’re on your way to building an effective singles group.

Sandra Majorowicz is editorial coordinator at The Evangelical Alliance Mission (TEAM), Wheaton, Illinois.

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