Let Your Minister’s Wife Be the Minister’s Wife

We hire the pastor, hut not his wife.

Is there some quasi-ecclesiastical office known as “minister’s wife?”

In American Christianity over the last couple of centuries, the pastor’s wife has come to be regarded as a special kind of woman with a special kind of responsibility. Because it has been assumed that the pastor is a super Christian, his wife must be also especially holy. Much honor and prestige has been associated with this special “office.” Many women have risen to the challenge and met the expectations. The successes are well known; the failures, like men who have failed in the pastorate, are soon forgotten.

But in recent years more and more women have wrestled with some of the expectations and qualifications that go with their “office.” They have begun to wonder whether it is proper for them to conform to all that is expected. Their questions are not merely the outworking of feminism in American culture or symptoms of the individualism of the “me” generation. They arise out of the troubling awareness of many women—not all of them young—that what Scripture requires a pastor’s wife to be is obscured by cultural demands. Some examples:

“Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness”

This little maxim is not one of the Ten Commandments. Nevertheless, it has taken on the force of Holy Writ and become the basis of numerous criticisms and judgments about the pastor’s wife. A clean, tidy house is desirable, of course. But must the pastor’s wife have the cleanest and tidiest of them all?

The mania for cleanliness is a cultural value embedded in the middle classes of Europe and North America. But the kingdom of God does not depend upon Lysol and Endust. To invest too much time in cleaning and arranging possessions is to establish false priorities.

The Pastor’S Wife Is To Be A Leader

This expectation surfaces in many communities—and not without warrant. After all, she has more background in theology and Bible than most women, and is married to a church professional.

But despite a relatively successful pattern of pastors’ wives as teachers and leaders among women, it is unhealthy for a congregation to expect that of every woman who assumes the “office.” Scripture makes clear that in the body of Christ various people function according to the gifts they have been given.

In any given group of pastors’ wives you will find a whole range of personalities: timid, shy, outgoing, confident, reflective, brash, insightful, comic, serious. Men going into the pastorate manage to court and wed women of every type—thank God for that! As a consequence, one does not know what particular gifts she will bring to the congregation until she is there. She may have teaching and leadership gifts; then again, her gifts may be counseling or supporting or serving.

Pastors’ Children Are To Be Exemplary

It is true that 1 Timothy 3:4 reminds the church that an elder “must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.” But that obligation applies to all Christian parents. Elders are to be chosen from among those in the congregation who demonstrate that they can manage their families and rear respectful children. But it is another thing to expect elders always to have the most exemplary children, those who score A+ in every category.

Pastors’ wives come from all kinds of backgrounds: strong Christian families, weak Christian families, non-Christian families, broken homes. Only by God’s grace do any of them—or any of us—become competent parents.

Pastors’ wives take a great deal of criticism when their children fail to live up to others’ expectations. This is unjust if those expectations are not applied to every family in the congregation.

The Pastor’S Wife Is The Official Hostess

Hospitality is both an obligation of all and a special gift for some. Every Christian should be ready to respond to the needs of persons who are traveling, who need food, clothing, shelter, and comfort. But some Christians have a special gift for hospitality. Their homes are like inns, with guests dropping in and out all the time. Usually these gifted people enjoy their calling, even thrive on it.

While all pastors’ wives recognize their basic obligation to be hospitable, not all have a special gift to be the congregation’s sole task force on hospitality.

The Scriptural Requirements For The Office

The cultural role model for the pastor’s wife sets up a number of false expectations. A church should resist adopting them since to fail to live up to them is no serious deficiency.

What does Scripture put forth as the special requirements or qualifications of a pastor’s wife?

Absolutely nothing! There is no office of minister’s wife. There are no qualifications or expectations that wives of pastors, teachers, evangelists (and elders of any type) are to meet to distinguish them from Christian women in general.

It is time to depose pastors’ wives from their special “office” and enroll them in the general priesthood of the church along with the rest of us.

The pastor’s wife is called to be the wife of the man she married. Whatever Scripture requires of wives, that is what one should expect of pastors’ wives: to serve their Lord by supporting, nurturing, and building up their husbands and their children. And, because pastors’ wives are women who have particular gifts, they can be expected to use their gifts to contribute to the building up of the whole body of Christ and to the wellbeing of the society in which they live. It is presumptuous for the church to require anything more of a pastor’s wife. There is no biblical warrant for requiring higher standards of performance of those who are in full-time Christian ministry.

The single, traditional role model for the minister’s wife in American Christianity is giving way to a plurality of roles. One reason is that American culture itself is increasingly pluralistic. What is important for the congregation to recognize is that, until her particular gifts are known, there should be no expectations as to the role the pastor’s wife will play as a member of the body. Her particular function in the church and in the world will be shaped by her gifts and by her husband’s and her own expectations for herself.

On the other side, a pastor’s wife who comes to a new congregation will likely want to know what role previous pastors’ wives have filled in the church. She will probably be willing to meet some of the expectations that constitute the pattern of roles in that congregation. It is right for her to do so. But where she deviates from the “norm,” she is not to be judged if she fails to live up to cultural, and not biblical, expectations.

Take a hard look at your expectations for your pastor’s wife. Are they biblical or have they developed from the accumulated traditions of your congregation? While you are reflecting on this, take time to pray for her and for the unique challenges that she faces. Encourage her to capitalize on the special opportunities for ministry that come with her situation. When you are tempted to criticize your pastor’s wife, give her more encouragement, support, and assistance instead. By so doing, you glorify your father in heaven.

MICHAEL G. SMITHMr. Smith is the former managing editor of Great Commission Publication. The article is condensed and reprinted from the March 1983 issue of New Horizons, publication of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church.

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