Reinforcing the Fragile Family

American families have not fared well in recent years. Reports of increasing divorce, illegitimacy, abortion, family violence, runaway children, drug abuse, and adolescent suicide are becoming tragically routine. And many within evangelical churches are experiencing families who produce more pain and suffering than joy and harmony.

This growing failure of families invites two questions: “What is wrong with existing families?” and “What should be changed?” Most social scientists answer the first question by arguing that the isolated nuclear family is too fragile to bear the heavy responsibilities placed upon it. It is unrealistic, they suggest, to expect a husband and wife to meet all the social, economic, and emotional needs of each other and of their children.

As for the second question, the more radical theorists, such as R. D. Laing and Barrington Moore, argue that the family as an institution should be abolished. The majority, however, reject this “solution” and say we simply need greater tolerance so that each individual can find the lifestyle that best suits his or her needs. Thus, options such as traditional monogamy, serial marriages, cohabitation, single parenthood, child-free relationships, communes, group sex, group marriage, homosexual unions, and celibate marriages become legitimate relief for the beleaguered family.

Clear biblical exposition is needed to show why solutions based on abandoning the family or tolerating alternatives are wrong. But on the other hand, we cannot ignore the criticism that nuclear families are too fragile. The critics have, in fact, identified a real and fundamental weakness in the type of family often purported to be the Christian ideal.

Relationships Within Families

Communicating God’s basic design for family relationships needs to begin with a solid Christian critique of our society’s ideal of individual self-fulfillment, free from constraining commitments. The popular ideal of maintaining relationships only so long as they are personally rewarding must be met with the Christian ideal of lifelong commitments. The popular ideal of sexual liberation must be met with insistence on sexual fidelity within a permanent union. And the popular ideal of “me first” must be contrasted with sacrificial love. Furthermore, Christian teaching should provide examples and guidelines of how to practice these biblical principles within real-life families.

Unfortunately, discussion relating to the family stops with the strengthening of inner-family relationships. And yet, not only are individuals in nuclear families to be linked together in intimate and committed relationships, but all persons in a local church are to be linked in similar ways. The family should, of course, be recognized as a distinct entity. But it is not designed to operate as an isolated or independent entity.

The New Testament Epistles consistently emphasize this concept of interconnectedness within the church. (Rom. 12:9–16; Gal. 6:1–2; Eph. 4:25–32; Phil. 2:1–13; Col. 3:5–15, and 1 Thess. 4:9–12 and 5:13–14.) Remaining unmarried is a legitimate option, but there is no suggestion that living in isolation from other Christians is acceptable. And the repeated admonitions to be bound together in love, to carry one another’s burdens, to share joys, to correct and encourage one another, to grow together, to share material resources, and to live in harmony apply to relationships within families as well as to those that cross family boundaries.

It is important to add that the ideal Christian community is an open community, not a self-serving clique. The “good news” that the church possesses is meant to be shared. It is first of all a message of spiritual hope, but it goes on to encompass all of life.

How Community Support Works

My wife and I have had a rather unusual experience in learning how community support rewards the family. Our two sons by birth were eventually joined by four other children whom we adopted. By any reasonable calculation, we had a larger family than we could afford. But we felt affirmed in what we had done—so much so that we adopted five more children, stretching the total to eleven.

We did not begin with a clear vision of how things would develop, and we have not been immune to difficulties and struggles. Nevertheless, we have welcomed each new child with the confidence that God would faithfully supply the resources our family needs. It has become increasingly clear that one major way God has chosen to provide for us has been through the community of believers.

Money is, for many, the area of greatest need. How do you feed and clothe 11 children, let alone provide them with music lessons and skateboards? Sharing economic resources appears to have been common in New Testament churches; it still occurs today. Without any request for financial assistance, a number of brothers and sisters have chosen to give us support. Used clothes, camp scholarships, occasional groceries, free eye care, and a number of other special gifts have come at opportune times.

We thank God for the cheerful ministry of those who wash dishes, clean bathrooms, cook meals, and provide other services for us. There is an enormous variety in the specific types of assistance given, reflecting both the multiple needs we have and the unique interests and abilities of each person choosing to enter into our family.

(It is important to point out that there is a very crucial, qualitative difference between our relationship to our children as “mom and dad,” and their relationship to other “friends.” Parents—ourselves included—need to retain primary responsibility for each child’s emotional development and for major decisions involving medical care, education, and religious training. In very practical terms, this means if someone who befriends one of our children decides to take him or her to a movie that we cannot approve, we do not hesitate to say no.)

Initially, it was difficult to accept offers for help around the house. When someone volunteered to clean, my wife would swiftly “pick up” before the person arrived. That early embarrassment has been replaced now with a sense of real gratitude. We have realized that friends who observe the “back stage” of our family life learn something positive about what it means to function as a unit where each individual is committed to the others.

What has this support of our family from a community of caring persons accomplished? Obviously it has enriched our family. Our physical, emotional, and economic resources have been strengthened. Our children have developed intimate relationships with other adults, gaining valuable exposure to adult role models beyond those of my wife and me. And our faith in God has grown as we have witnessed his faithful care for us.

Those who sacrificially support our family are also rewarded. This should not be surprising, since Jesus taught that we find our lives by losing them. A large proportion of the young adults in our church grew up in non-Christian homes and have never experienced close involvement with a Christian family. Their own faith and vision of how God might use their families grows as they see close up what God is doing in our family.

Some who previously have had only superficial relationships with children are gaining insights into Christian parenting that cannot be gained from reading books. Those who have unreasonably idealized our family have gained a more realistic understanding that a Christian marriage and family involves hard work, disappointments, and challenges. No church family, whether it has ten children or two, should function as a closed, isolated entity.

Opportunities For Churches

There are many ways in which families can join together in supportive community, and the forms that develop will be unique to each church. In addition to the more familiar ministries such as shared child care, the pooling of resources, and family support groups, here are some positive steps the church can take to strengthen the family:

Instruction on healthy relationships. The special unity that should characterize the marriage relationship needs to be recognized and emphasized. But nowhere does Scripture teach that this bond should exclude other close relationships. Complete teaching on marriage needs to point out that the marriage relationship can be strengthened by relationships with others who support the husband and wife in genuine ways. Sharing ideas, concerns, prayers, and dreams with friends should not subtract from a marriage, but rather increase its vitality.

Instruction on child rearing. Parents benefit from regular teaching on parenting. But such valuable learning experiences should not be limited to parents—others in the church family should be significantly involved in the lives of the children. Making a congregation more aware of the biblical model of community can encourage people to minister in this way.

Breaking down age segregation. There are times when it is useful to organize activities specifically for particular age groups. The problem is that churches tend to follow the culture by age-segregating most activities. When this occurs, older people lack contact with families who have children, singles have little contact with families, parents of infants do not interact with parents of adolescents, adolescents have little contact with infants or old people, and so on. A variety of activities can be age-integrated so the unique contributions of each age group can benefit the others. Perhaps most important are occasions that encourage social interacting rather than sitting and listening.

Interaction with other parents. Great benefits come from sharing ideas and concerns with other parents. An increasing number of home-school parents know the encouragement and stimulation of meeting together as they share in the education of one another’s children. Similar benefits are possible to parents whose children attend more structured schools.

Weekly family night at home. Mormons are well known for reserving one night a week for families to be together. Evangelical churches should support such an idea wholeheartedly. Activities can vary: reading good books, playing games, putting on family plays, eating ice cream, and enjoying an occasional home movie.

Retreats or festivals for families. Whole day or weekend retreats can remove us from the usual time crunch, allowing people to talk and interact and begin to develop relationships. Rather than separating children from adults and singles from marrieds, use these special events to bring families and singles together. Careful planning may be needed to break down the barriers that tend to channel individuals into homogeneous groupings.

Matching children with adults. I have seen wonderful and meaningful relationships develop when youngsters are matched with older pals. A church could structure this annually so that every child is matched with an adult outside of his or her family. Priority in matching might be given to children in single-parent families, but there is no need to stop there. There are numerous things these pairs could do together over the course of a year: dinners out, hikes, trips to an art museum, swimming, playing ball, or reading.

Ministering in family groups. Rather than challenging individuals to engage in outreach ministries that compete with family time, why not find creative ministries that whole families can do together? Families could visit the elderly, adopt missionaries, or maintain and beautify the church building and grounds. Focusing upon ways of helping others often brings a family closer together, and churches can help them move in this direction.

Counseling family units. In addition to providing individual counseling, churches might consider the possibilities of family therapy. Much is being written on this, and churches should take advantage of the insights that have been gained. By meeting with a whole family, a counselor can identify patterns of interaction and assist family members to develop positive ways of relating to one another. Problems experienced by individuals are often located less within the individual than within family relationships.

Will The Family Survive?

Most church leaders are aware of how difficult family life has become in late twentieth-century America. But simply preaching about the evils of our culture will be of little help to persons struggling with family life. As we face this challenge honestly, it will do us well to consider how Christian fellowships can best support families. Churches will find numerous ways to be positively involved in strengthening families. By modeling, by teaching, and by facilitating the growth of a community, the church can play a vital role in countering the antifamily forces in our society.

It is a mistake to expect individuals to experience the rewards of strong families without sincere prayer and effort. It is an even greater mistake to expect their needs to be met through an emphasis upon individualism that bypasses families and communities. Individuals and families need to discover the strength that comes only from being embedded within a meaningful Christian community.

Peter Uhlenberg is professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.

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