Linda Dillow is the co-founder and spiritual director of Authentic Intimacy as well as the author of several books including What's It Like to Be Married to Me? We spoke about the provocative question posed by the book's title, exploring how courageous self-evaluation can lead to deepened connection in marriage.
What's it like to be married to me? That is both a scary and a powerful question! It requires such honesty and self-awareness.
The question "What's it like to be married to me?" is based on two passages of Scripture: Psalm 139 and Psalm 19, which both say that we are to let God search our hearts. It's the idea of honestly considering if there's anything in me that I need to take and lay before the Lord. Asking God to search us is a critical biblical concept.
Many of us women do that regularly when it comes to our jobs or our role as mothers, but often it just gets too tender and too close to consider, How am I coming across to my husband? Am I really being who God wants me to be and who I want to be? What is it like to be married to me? That's just really hard.
Yet if we don't ask ourselves that question, we'll get in a rut and we won't be honest about our marriages—we'll just go into neutral. Rather than have the closeness and excitement and wonderful communication that we wanted, we'll just settle for talking about surface things and we'll miss out on that intimacy.
If we take this question seriously—especially in our areas of weakness or in negative marriage patterns—it requires brutal and possibly painful honesty. What good can come out of a wife really considering what it's like for her husband to be married to her?
Many of us today ...1
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