I Don't Want To Be Jealous
QUESTION: My girlfriend and I have been going out for two months now. Things have been great between us, but we have a problem and don't know who's right and who's wrong. Every evening she goes out jogging with this other guy. She also likes spending time with him when I'm not around. He has a girlfriend, and I really don't think my girlfriend is romantically attracted to him. But I can't help but feel as if my girlfriend is with this guy every evening because I'm not good enough for her. Every time they get together I feel horrible inside and get depressed.
My girlfriend has asked me about this, and even though we've talked about my feelings, we don't know what to do. She doesn't want to hurt me, but she enjoys spending time with this other guy. We're both really confused. Please help.
ANSWER: Neither one of you is wrong. You're just on different timetables. People who are romantically involved gradually, quite naturally, narrow their focus to each other. You've reached that point. Your girlfriend hasn't.
I don't know any recipe for what you should do, except communication. Your girlfriend deserves credit for sensing your depression and asking you about it. You did well to tell her honestly how you feel. No doubt you felt better just talking about it with her. She may change the way she spends her time, because now she knows how you feel. Hopefully, she'll talk to you about how you're feeling whenever she spends time with this guy. If she does, she'll be able to reassure you that they are only friends. If you keep communicating, you'll eventually find a pattern that's comfortable. In addition, you'll learn some lessons that will help you through many other difficulties.
Jealousy is a common feeling in a developing relationship. It's a sign that you're not completely confident in yourself or in your relationship. If your relationship is solid and growing, the jealousy will die out. In the meantime, communication is the lesson to learn.
I'M IN A "ONE-SIDED" RELATIONSHIP
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I live in different states. We talk on the phone, but I feel like I'm always the one to call him. I'm getting tired of doing all the work in our relationship. Should I stop calling him and wait for him to call me? What if he really doesn't like me? I'm planning a trip to see him soon, so I need advice quick.
ANSWER: To last, a relationship must be mutual. He has to want to call you, care for you, befriend you as much as you want to do those things for him. You can't make up for his indifference by doing everything yourself.
Before your trip, tell him you're concerned your relationship is one-sided. You want him to call at least half the time. Then wait to see what happens. If he really likes you, he'll take the hint—and respect you for being honest with him. If he doesn't, you're better off learning it now.