A Pirate's Guide to Evangelism

Pirate Calico Jim tells his nephew how to share the gospel with landlubbers. Yarr.
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Good day to ye, Charles Montgomery:

'Tis yer uncle and captain, Calico Jim, and I be writin' from on deck o' the good ship Adventure's Kingdom. Me and the lads been scrapin' the sails this mornin', and we sorely miss yer strong back, I don't mind sayin' it. But 'tis a good thing ye be doin'—helpin' yer mother while she be feelin' ill.

Still, there be a job ye can do fer the Kingdom while ye be in the world o' landlubbers, Charlie. Be watchin' fer chances to spread the word about our pirate way o' life. Be keepin' yer good eye open fer new recruits—hard-workin' scrogs who ain't afraid o' the sea or a cannon's roar.

'Course, ye cannot go walkin' through the town yellin', "Who wants to be a pirate?" Ye've got to be careful, Matey, since most earth-walkin' citizens be mistrustin' the pirate life. Fer that reason, ye must be representin' the Kingdom well and showin' the common folk all the good that be comin' from a love o' the sea. So, mind these four morsels o' wisdom before ye start fishin'.

1. Belay yer Pirate Speak while ye be in port. There be some pirate words that landlubbers don't understand, Matey—words like "jib" an' "keelhaul" an' "scallywag." So there be no point in wastin' yer spit to say 'em. Betides confusing the lubbers, many o' them words'll mark ye as a seafarin' bandit for certain. An' if any o' them common folk've ever been forced to kiss a cutlass or drink bilgewater by ill-mannered pirates from another ship, they won't be warmin' up to thee, ye can be sure. Mind—there ain't no shame in bein' a pirate, Charlie, but ye'll need a chance to get yer foot in the door.

So if ye want to be findin' new mates fer the Kingdom, belay talkin' o' the Jolly Roger or sendin' a man to Davy Jones' locker. Come to think it, don't be sayin' "belay," either. 'Tis a fine word fer the sea, but not fer land.

2. Go where there be non-pirates. Yer bound to find some fellow swabs takin' their shore leave about the town, but don't be spendin' all yer time with 'em. Don't mistake my meanin', Charlie—'tis a fine thing to gather a group o' pirates for a game o' cards every now and again to be stayin' true to the pirate ways. But ye can't be shinin' the light o' the Kingdom to non-pirates if ye be only with other buccaneers. So spend yer time where there be plenty o' chaps who need learnin' about the pirate way.

3. Think smart about the Pirate's Code. Ye know as well as I, Charlie, that all pirates follow the Pirate's Code. And just because ye be away from your mates, that don't mean ye can forget the Code. Me old pappy used to say, "A pirate follows the Pirate's Code wherever a pirate goes." But yet, it be no easy thing t'explain a pirate's convictions to some rubber-legged messdeck who ain't never seen the sea below 'im and the stars above. Why, think a bit on my fav'rite verse from the Pirate's Code: "Follow yer Captain with all yer brains an' yer blood, an' be a brother t'all o' yer mates." Truer words ain't never been spoken, Charlie. But if ye be quotin' them lines to yer sweet mommy's friends, 'tis a good chance they'll do nothin' but laugh in yer face. Ye need to explain et in ways that matter to 'em.

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