Church & Culture
10 Ways to Disagree Online Without Being a Jerk
Insults are more likely to push undecided people away from your side, not towards it.

The internet is a great place for debate. I love throwing ideas out there, stirring up interest and reading other passionate opinions.

But the anonymity of the internet also has a way of turning mean people loose. And that stifles, sometimes kills, the opportunity for healthy, inspiring conversation. A lot of good people have stopped writing online because they don’t want to wade through the nastiness any more. I don’t blame them.

The worst place for this is usually in the comment section of blogs. Unfortunately, Christian sites – even church leadership sites – are no exception to this. Including the good folks at CT, who host this blog, which is why they have shut down their comment section altogether.

Despite this, I hold out hope. I’ve learned that it is possible to disagree with someone online and not be a jerk about it.

So if you, like me, want to engage in lively discussion, even disagreements online, while keeping the tone civil, try these ten steps as a guide.

1. Read the entire post

You can skim, read or not read anything you want, of course. It’s up to you.

But, if you plan to comment on it, don’t just skim the title and subheadings, read the whole article first!

It’s astonishing how many people comment on a post when they obviously haven't read it first.

It’s astonishing how many people comment on a post when they obviously haven't read it first.

Besides, when you read an entire article before commenting on it or passing it along, you may discover that you agree with more than you thought you would.

2. Disagree with what the author actually wrote

Everyone has the right for their words to stand on their own. But I’ve often seen a commenter get mad at a blogger for something they didn’t even write!

Most bloggers don’t have a problem with disagreements as long as the commenter has the respect and integrity to address the issue the blogger actually wrote about, not something that’s just rattling around in your own head.

3. Address the issue without attacking the person

When you attack the person by calling them names, impugning their character and so on, it opens the door for all kinds of bad results.

First, your words can hurt a person deeply, sometimes permanently.

Second, you’ll bring any possibility for further civil conversation to a close. The insulted person will either sling mud back at you or leave the debate – and maybe the forum and/or relationship - for good. Others who haven’t been insulted will leave too, either from fear of being attacked themselves or because they don’t want to read the nastiness.

Third, you’ll look like a jerk and, by extension, hurt your own argument. Insults are more likely to push undecided people away from your side, not towards it. No one wins.

4. Don’t assume motives

Let the person who wrote the piece tell you what their motives are. Only they and God know, anyway. (Sometimes only God really knows.)

5. If you can’t say something nice…

Before I decide to comment on a blog post or status I disagree with, I read it thoroughly to find something I agree on.

No, I don’t offer false praise. People can see through that. But there’s always something to agree with that allows me to start my comments by writing, “I love what you said about…” or “I appreciate what you’re trying to get across here…”

If there’s nothing to agree on, we have to ask “why bother to comment at all?” If the blogger has literally gotten nothing right, they and their readers are probably not persuadable, so why waste precious time and energy on them? Click or swipe to the next post.

6. Use the 20-to-1, positive-to-negative rule

There’s so much bad stuff on the internet that a blogger could spend all their time writing on things they disagree with. And some do just that.

I don’t want to wallow in negatives. So I have committed to writing at least 20 positive posts, comments, tweets and replies for every disagreement.

I want to be known for the things I agree with far more than the things I’m against.

I want to be known for the things I agree with far more than the things I’m against.

7. Learn from those who disagree with you

It can often be helpful to respond to valid criticism. Agreeably. Learn to hear when they’re right and you’re wrong. (It will happen.)

I’ve been known to make edits to blog posts because readers pointed out errors I hadn’t seen. People who point out my faults in a loving way make me a better communicator. I’m grateful for them.

On the other hand…

8. Don’t feed the trolls

Some people troll the internet looking for posts that make them angry. Others look to stir up other people’s anger just for the sick fun of it. The internet knows this and calls them what they are. Trolls.

Don’t feed the trolls. They want you to lash out in hurt or anger. That’s what they thrive on.

Just ignore them. If you don’t feed them, they’ll move on.

9. Write offline first

I usually write articles and comments offline first. Including this blog post, Facebook comments, even tweets.

Putting an extra offline step between me and the “send” button has saved me from regret more than once.

And I always write it offline first if I’m passionate, especially if I’m angry about something. Putting an extra offline step between me and the “send” button has saved me from regret more than once.

10. Write it, but don’t send it

When you’re angry or hurt, it’s important to express how you feel. So, by all means, write everything down.

But you don’t have to send it.

After you’ve written it offline, let it sit for an hour, a day, a week or more. More often than not, you’ll find that the act of writing it helped you work through it, even if no one ever reads it.

When you go back to it later, you’re likely to see the issue more clearly and you’ll know whether to send it or not. Usually, the answer is “not”.

If in doubt, don’t do it. You’ll never regret the angry blog, tweet, comment or email you didn’t send.

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The views of the blogger do not necessarily reflect those of Christianity Today.

June 29, 2018 at 10:54 AM

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