What do pastors, politicians and major league coaches have in common? A whole lot of people who’ve never done their job are convinced they could do it better.
The less experience they have the more certain they are, because those who’ve actually done it know how hard it is.
I can’t speak to how it feels as a politician or coach to constantly be second-guessed by everyone who’s ever watched a game or (not) voted in an election, but I do know how pastors feel when we’re constantly criticized by people who don’t have enough information, but still give lots of advice.
In fact it may be harder on pastors because, unlike politicians and major league coaches, most of our critics aren’t strangers in the stands, they’re people we know very closely.
If this is something you’re experiencing as a pastor in your church today, let me offer a few words of comfort and advice.
1. It’s usually far fewer people than it seems
When one or two people are constantly challenging your decisions, your sermons, your parenting skills or your spirituality, it can feel like the whole church is against you.
Years ago I heard about an older pastor who had a great way of helping younger pastors who felt like the church was against them. “Name them,” he’d say.
When the younger pastor was actually required to put names to the people who were second-guessing everything, it was always far fewer actual people than it felt like – often just one or two people.
2. They seldom have the support they think they have
Any time someone tells you about a problem “everyone” is talking about, do what that older pastor did in the previous point. Ask for names. Not in a confrontational way, but with a sincere desire to know how deep the problem really goes.
What you’ll find in almost every situation is that “everyone” is standing in front of you already – or on the other end of the phone or email.
3. It’s often a defense mechanism due to past hurts and betrayals
Before I came to my current church (where I’ve been for 25+ years) they had been through five pastors in ten years. Because of that, the church had more than their share of second-guessers. Not because they were control freaks (not all, anyway) but because they’d seen so many promises made, then broken.
4. Get an honest assessment of your decision-making skills
Sometimes, when people question our decisions, it’s because we’re not doing it well.
Everyone needs a trusted advisor who can give us honest, loving feedback.
5. Don’t let their feelings dictate your actions
If you do, you give them more power. Whether you’re doing what they want or pushing back against it, you’re in reactive mode and they’re calling the shots. Instead, ask yourself, “if I wasn’t aware of them and their feelings, what would I be doing in this situation?” Then do that.
Once you do, it will be easier to take the next step.
6. Don’t let their actions dictate your feelings
When we’re always in reactive mode, our feelings become overwhelming. But when we act according to God’s call and our own conscience, it’s far easier to set negative feelings aside.
7. Don’t try to win them over
In the early years of pastoral ministry I tried to win every naysayer over to my side – and it never worked.
Instead, when we keep going steadily according to our own understanding of God’s will, the naysayers tend to either give up and leave or come along for the ride.
No, it isn’t easy. And it doesn’t happen quickly. But it does happen.
So why not try to win them over? Because they won’t perceive it as a friendly gesture, but as an attack. They won’t see it as trying to win them over as much as trying to win.
8. Invest your time in teachable people
Instead of pouring time, energy and emotions into trying to appease, defeat or convert the unconvertable, we’re better off going about the business of pastoring.
Instead of wasting your time raging against the resistance, let them go their way, then find a willing heart or two and invest your time, energy and emotions in them.
Do the work of discipleship with people who are open to being discipled. While the committees, boards and enforcers of the status quo keep busy with their meetings, you’ll stay busy doing the work of making disciples, feeding the sheep, and equipping God’s people.
9. Outlove them and outlive them
Meet anger with peace, frustration with patience, meanness with kindness.
Then do it again the next day. And the next. And the next.
Resist the temptation to lash out. Find a safe person you can vent to (not just your spouse). Then keep at it until the naysayers and second-guessers get tired, give up, give in or give out.
The key to success in any discipline isn’t in short-term victories, but long-term integrity.
Love God’s people. No matter how hard they may be to love.
Then lead them toward a better way.
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