After reading Bruce Feirstein's book, Real Men Don't Eat Quiche, subtitled, "A guidebook to all that is truly masculine," Jim Berkley decided male ministers needed something similar. So while thumping on tire chains through a Sierra snowstorm, he and three colleagues developed the following traits of a real minister.

Real ministers know the difference between infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism, but don't care enough to remember.

Real ministers talk back to their choir directors.

Real ministers don't use interlinear texts.

Real ministers know the difference between heilsgeschichte and bullgeschichte.

Real ministers work only one hour a week.

Real ministers never have to pay for their own lunch.

Real ministers don't worry about declining membership because they REALLY preach the gospel.

Real ministers don't use answering machines or pocket pagers.

Real ministers don't heat their baptistries.

Real ministers secretly admire Robert Schuller.

Real ministers have actually read every book in their libraries. ...