Have you ever wondered why your pastoral resume doesn't evoke more enthusiasm? Do you ever think, What are those people looking for?

Perhaps the question should be, What aren't they looking for? because with the numbers of applications pastor nominating committees receive, their first task is to eliminate applicants.

Here, then, as a public service, are statements certain to stop a resume dead in its tracks. We'll assume you won't stoop to inserting one into the applications of "colleagues" vying for the position you covet.

"I believe empathy is overrated."

"In the five churches I have faithfully served over the past two years . . ."

"My hobbies are pit bulls and automatic weapons."

"I am willing to sacrifice my family for the sake of the ministry. I am also willing to sacrifice yours."

"I have learned to cope with financial crisis at every church I've served."

"I require an attractive secretary and/or organist."

"My extensive counseling of church members has proved a rich source of pointed sermon ...