I often do not understand who I am or what I do.

Calvin said that it is impossible to know myself without coming to know God—and impossible to know God without coming to know myself.

Yet I find in some ways the older I grow, the more a mystery I am.

I talked with a man recently who has attended our church for a long time, someone I respect and admire. He said that sometimes he got the feeling that I cared more about trying to get people outside our church to start attending than I care about the people who are actually here. And I found this pricked something tender inside me in ways that other criticisms might not.

Am I a visionary, an innovator, a leader boldly calling people on an adventure of change and mission? Or am I selfishly ambitious? Do I want to be pastor of a large church so I can feel successful and significant? Or am I both? And if I am—what are the percentages?

Paul said once, "I do not understand what I do." Many of Paul's teachings elude me, but not ...