THE BALL-CAP CRISIS illustrates the kind of emotional dilemma that kills our pastoral love. Lessons like that stack up pretty fast in ministry. They remind me of the Calvinist who, upon falling down a flight of stairs, shook himself off and declared, "Boy, I'm glad that's over!"

I realize a certain number of debacles are inevitable and that they are good for me. I've tried to learn from my failures, and I think I handle things a little better than I used to. The problem is that though the pain caused by generic human foolishness makes me wiser, it tends to make me ambivalent in my pastoral work.

The word ambivalence means "not being able to decide on an issue." Specifically, it means not being able to give ourselves in love, all because of inner pain that shies our will away from any course of action. Ambivalence causes excessive fluctuation on issues, and it can cause an obsession with fluctuation to the point that no decision can be made. Ambivalence is by nature paradoxical. On the one ...

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