{"id":14859,"date":"2007-07-11T12:21:12","date_gmt":"2007-07-11T12:21:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/2007\/07\/11\/le-9i1-9i1035\/"},"modified":"2007-07-11T12:21:12","modified_gmt":"2007-07-11T12:21:12","slug":"le-9i1-9i1035","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/content\/le-9i1-9i1035\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Women Resist Community"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>\n<strong>&#8220;B<\/strong>ut it&#8217;s easy to build community in the women&#8217;s ministry; women are so\nrelational.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>\nThat comment from a male colleague reflects a pervasive fallacy. While women\nmay generally be more sensitive and verbal than men, we still struggle to\ndevelop relationships that foster true community.<\/p>\n<p>\nRecently our church planned a weekend retreat, but many women didn&#8217;t sign\nup because, we heard later, they didn&#8217;t know who their roommates would be.\nSome of these women had been in the church for more than ten years. I&#8217;ve\nalso had women threaten to leave an event simply because their one friend\ndidn&#8217;t show up.<\/p>\n<p>\nWhy do women, who seem so good at relationships, not feel at home in community?\nAnd how can we overcome those feelings in the church?<\/p>\n<p>\n<strong><em>1. &#8220;She&#8217;s better than I &#8230; &#8220;<\/em><\/strong> A group of moms from our church\nwere meeting for tea and conversation. As the afternoon waned, Cass began\nfeeling more and more angry about her place in life. Raising two toddlers\nleft her little free time. As she listened to Wendy talk about her new-found\nfreedom now that her children were all in school, Cass grew frustrated. She\ndidn&#8217;t have time to read books. She couldn&#8217;t remember the last time she had\ntime away from her children. Cass confessed to me later that she had little\ndesire to meet with the women again.<\/p>\n<p>\nWomen are tempted to compare season of life, children, husbands, hair styles,\nwork, education, homes\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou name it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand when we fall into this trap, we\nalways come up short. We then tend to distance ourselves from those with\nwhom we&#8217;re comparing.<\/p>\n<p>\n<strong><em>2. &#8220;I don&#8217;t fit in because &#8230; &#8220;<\/em><\/strong> As a single woman, I often\nwalk into a group where I am the only one without a mate or children. Whether\nI enjoy community depends in part on whether I give in to the thought I am\ndifferent; therefore I have nothing in common with these people, or whether\nI allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with his love so I can focus on others.<\/p>\n<p>\nIf we let discontentment rule, we will find something that sets us apart\nfrom any group.<\/p>\n<p>\n<strong><em>3. &#8220;I don&#8217;t know if I can trust you &#8230; &#8220;<\/em><\/strong> Sue entered our\nsmall group with her guard high. Sue&#8217;s painful relationship with her mother\nand with several female friends in the past had convinced her she could not\ntrust other women. Her distant responses stifled the entire group. No one\nfelt free to share beyond surface talk.<\/p>\n<p>\nMost of us can recall a time our trust was broken. When we hold on to these\nhurts, we try to protect ourselves, and this fear creates distance.<\/p>\n<p>\n<strong><em>4. &#8220;I can&#8217;t help competing &#8230; &#8221; <\/em><\/strong>Linda and Jan participated\nin the same small group for several years. The group prayed weekly for the\nLord to give them children. Linda was 32, and Jan was 40.<\/p>\n<p>\nRecently Linda found out she was pregnant and couldn&#8217;t wait to tell the group.\nBut wanting to be sensitive, she told Jan first. Jan was genuinely happy\nfor Linda, but over time she withdrew from the group. The group felt the\ntension immediately.<\/p>\n<p>\nWhen we compete this way, we allow God&#8217;s blessings of others to devastate\nus.<\/p>\n<p>\n<strong><em>5. &#8220;I can&#8217;t share who I really am &#8230; &#8221; <\/em><\/strong>Julie works hard in\nnumerous areas of women&#8217;s ministries. She appears to be in charge, a committed\nChristian. In her small group, however, Julie is more reserved. She requests\nprayer for others but never for herself. Many know what Julie does, but few\nknow her heart.<\/p>\n<p>\nMany like Julie have never dealt with soul issues. Many women wonder, <em>If\nI shared my real struggles, would others still accept me?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\n<strong>How to overcome these challenges<\/strong>\nWhether speaking in front of a group of peers, doing a new ministry, or giving\na personal prayer request, women can cling to their need to remain comfortable.\nMy natural response as a leader is to make them feel &#8220;okay and comfortable.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-style-article-callout is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><em>Women are tempted to compare, and if we<br>\nfall into this trap, we always come up short.<\/em><\/p>\n\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>\nBut that may only fuel their insecurities and shield them from true community.<\/p>\n<p>\nI asked Karen to speak at a Bible study group about her infertility and how\nshe saw God working in her life.<\/p>\n<p>\nKaren questioned my judgment: &#8220;How can I share something so personal with\nso many women? How will I be received? What if I start crying?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>\nI asked Karen to pray about it and reminded her of all the women facing similar\nstruggles who needed her encouraging words. I also reminded her that the\nHoly Spirit would give her the words to say. Karen pushed through her fears,\nand today, a year later, many women still comment about how her testimony\naffected them.<\/p>\n<p>\nIn addition to challenging women, I try to assist them in finding their true\nidentity in Jesus Christ. Women often feel as if they need to have it all\ntogether.<\/p>\n<p>\nSandy, a success in the business world, told me she wanted to grow in Christ.\n&#8220;I&#8217;m a pretty good person,&#8221; she said in our first time together for discipleship.\nHidden behind her words was a belief system that equated her identity with\nachievement.<\/p>\n<p>\nAs we met regularly, I began to probe Sandy&#8217;s self-identity: What would you\ndo if you lost your job tomorrow? How would you feel about yourself? Would\nJesus be enough?<\/p>\n<p>\nSandy slowly began to let go of her false security. Today she is moving toward\nloving Jesus more out of devotion than duty. She is still outwardly successful,\nbut that doesn&#8217;t hold the same power over her as before. She is recognizing\nhow special she is to God. No longer needing to mask her weaknesses, she\nhas truly found her identity in Christ.<\/p>\n<p>\nWomen establish community as we set aside our pretenses, identities, and\nprestige, and extend God&#8217;s &#8220;needless&#8221; love to each other.<\/p>\n<p>\n<em><strong>Nancy Barton<\/strong> is director of women&#8217;s\nministries at Wheaton Bible Church\nMain St. at Franklin\nWheaton IL 60187\n<a href=\"mailto:whtnbible@aol.com\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"\" rel=\"noopener\">whtnbible@aol.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"is-style-article-copyright\"><strong>Copyright &copy; 1999 by the author or Christianity Today\/<em>Leadership<\/em> Journal. For reprint information call 630-260-6200\nor <a href=\"\/pastors\/help\/contactus.html\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"copyright\" rel=\"noopener\">contact us<\/a>.\nWinter 1999, Vol.XX, No. 1, Page 31<\/strong><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;But it&#8217;s easy to build community in the women&#8217;s ministry; women are so relational.&#8221; That comment from a male colleague reflects a pervasive fallacy. While women may generally be more sensitive and verbal than men, we still struggle to develop relationships that foster true community. Recently our church planned a weekend retreat, but many women <a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/content\/le-9i1-9i1035\/\">Read more&#8230;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"tax_ctp_authors":[2576],"tax_ctp_books":[],"tax_ctp_categories":[142,160],"tax_ctp_field_guide_subcategory":[],"tax_ctp_field_guides":[],"tax_ctp_format":[131],"tax_ctp_multimedia":[],"tax_ctp_point_editor":[],"tax_publications":[156],"tax_ctp_tags":[3609,3615,3897,4792,5003,5046,5286],"tax_ctp_topics":[],"class_list":["post-14859","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tax_ctp_authors-nancy-barton","tax_publications-leadership-journal","tax_ctp_tags-church-growth","tax_ctp_tags-church-membership","tax_ctp_tags-evangelism","tax_ctp_tags-relationship","tax_ctp_tags-small-groups","tax_ctp_tags-spiritual-formation","tax_ctp_tags-women"],"acf":{"scripture_references":null},"yoast_head":"<!-- This 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