There are many ways in which God calls His children out of one spiritual family into another. Physical moving, leading to a new mission and disagreement are all ways in which He moves His children. All these may happen without sin and with a full and righteous leading of the Spirit. \u2026 We pray and ask the members of Cross City to be prayerful, honest and communicate concerns, offenses, hopes, ideas and convictions in an early fashion, rather than allowing them to fester in isolation and cause division, hurt, or other ungodly effects within God\u2019s family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Cross City is part of the Evangelical Free Church of America, but church leadership came up with the idea for this section themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite having a written policy against ghosting, pastor Scott Burns said the majority of people who\u2019ve left over the church\u2019s 11-year history departed without notice. \u201cThey just get quiet,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd one week turns into four, which turns into six.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pandemic shifts, along with rising political and social divisions, have made ghosting a major problem for pastors across the country. Across demographics, US adults are less likely to attend church than they were two years ago, according to the American Family Survey. While some slowly came back from shutdowns and pandemic restrictions, Pew Research Center reported in March 2022 that the return to church had plateaued. Odds are, if they were coming back, they\u2019d be back by now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even before the pandemic, church membership wasn\u2019t stagnant, and pastors knew not to take it personally when congregants left. The natural bends and twists of life\u2014relocations, college attendance, job changes, deaths\u2014mean all church bodies turn over with time. Yet the quiet, unexpected departures leave a lingering sting. With all the recent upheaval, it\u2019s a feeling that\u2019s become harder to ignore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At Concord Church in Dallas, pastor Bryan Carter said attendance at Sunday gatherings is only about 65 percent of what it used to be, while online gatherings have grown by 400 percent. It\u2019s hard to know who left for good, who moved online, and who joined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two years into the pandemic, pastors like Burns and Carter are eager to create a church culture that discourages ghosting in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A time to seek and a time to lose<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Ghosting<\/em> is dating parlance. It means to go radio silent in the middle of a budding online romance. In that world, to reach out to a \u201cghost\u201d is bad form\u2014it\u2019s desperate or creepy. So this isn\u2019t the perfect analogy for those who leave a church body with no word.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When members or regular attendees leave a church without explanation, pastors have a few choices, but all come with sensitivities. If you ignore departures, you risk overlooking potential problems in the church that prompted people to leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you reach out to follow up with leaving congregants, you risk exacerbating hurt feelings on both sides. Even asking questions could put pressure on the former members, implying leaders are angry or against them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many pastors are burdened to reach out to leavers, whether to make sure the church didn\u2019t cause harm or to extend a shepherd\u2019s crook to the wayward, just as the shepherd in Jesus\u2019 parable of the lost sheep in Matthew 18 left his 99 to seek the one that \u201cwandered off.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n Darryl DelHousaye is chancellor of Phoenix Seminary and was a longtime pastor at Scottsdale Bible Church, a 7,500-person congregation. He doesn\u2019t remember learning about how to deal with \u201cghosters\u201d in seminary; nor does Phoenix Seminary cover it in any official curriculum. He called that a potential blind spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DelHousaye said his protocol at Scottsdale Bible was to reach out to families who ghosted. \u201cI would call them and say \u2026 \u2018Where are you guys worshiping?\u2019\u201d Most people were shocked to hear from him \u201cbut grateful,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For pastors of megachurches, reaching out to ghosters might sometimes mean contacting people they\u2019ve never really gotten to know. At Concord Church, Carter said he hasn\u2019t fully implemented a good system to address what he calls the church\u2019s \u201cbackdoor\u201d exits. Part of his challenge as the pastor of a 2,500-attender church is recognizing \nwhen someone leaves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe have two indicators for Sunday attendance: giving and childcare,\u201d he said. The church tracks both, which should make it easier to notice a sudden absence. But the huge popularity of their online services during COVID-19 has made it more difficult to know whether someone has stopped attending altogether or is just attending virtually.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s harder to leave unnoticed at smaller congregations, but people still exit without explanation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Paul Risler is the pastor of Central Avenue United Methodist Church in Athens, Ohio. It\u2019s a rural church with about 200 members. For Risler, reaching out to someone who has ghosted means touching base with someone he almost definitely knows and whose absence can\u2019t go unnoticed among the congregation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI used to be more intimidated by those conversations,\u201d Risler said. But he can\u2019t avoid them. Leaving Central is baked into the church\u2019s context: It\u2019s located in the middle of Ohio University\u2019s main campus, and around half his congregation is college students.<\/p>\n\n\n\n During the pandemic, Risler noticed the same thing Carter in Dallas did: The online-only services gave members the option to \u201ctour\u201d other churches online.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Risler said the option for college students in particular to virtually attend services elsewhere\u2014including churches shepherded by nationally known pastors\u2014proved too tempting to avoid. Many college students never returned to Central. \u201cWe lost our junior and senior class, basically,\u201d Risler said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When the church identifies departing congregants, Risler said he\u2019s committed to reaching out for \u201cexit interviews.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI just want to make sure that the reason they\u2019re leaving isn\u2019t because we harmed them or sinned against them or that there isn\u2019t something we can fix,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Burns said part of what makes ghosting so deeply hurtful for pastors is that it means those who left secretly\u2014even for understandable reasons like starting a new job or moving away\u2014chose to do it without prayer and guidance from their church family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf the people are strong in Jesus and they find our church not a good home to be at \u2026 that\u2019s a concern,\u201d he said. \u201cIs that our preaching? Is it the way we lead things? That\u2019s hard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Carter said after the pandemic he\u2019d like to implement a protocol of making \u201ccare calls\u201d to people who\u2019ve left without word. Instead of trying to stem the tide of ghosters, he\u2019s going further upstream: He wants to create a church culture that discourages ghosting in the first place. \u201cWe\u2019ve seen [ghosting] before,\u201d he said. \u201cWe think part of it is we weren\u2019t calling people to a higher mission.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In an area as transient as Scottsdale, a rapidly growing city where families and young adults move in and away with unique frequency, DelHousaye used the phrase \u201ccome, grow, go\u201d to describe the pattern of people inevitably leaving his church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DelHousaye said when pastors don\u2019t hold their congregants \u201cloosely\u201d enough\u2014when they cling to church growth and demand loyalty from members\u2014they unwittingly encourage ghosting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf people are going to be loyal, they tend to be more loyal if they realize they\u2019re there by choice and not by manipulation,\u201d DelHousaye said. \u201cWe made it so that you didn\u2019t have to be afraid to tell people you were leaving,\u201d he said of his \u201ccome, grow, go\u201d philosophy. In fact, he said when he heard of a new church plant coming to town, as long as he believed it was \u201cbiblically solid,\u201d he\u2019d ask the planting pastor to share his vision from the pulpit and invite people to join him.<\/p>\n\n\n Burns in Columbus is trying to create a similar culture in his small Ohio congregation. \u201cYou should be able to trust that the church is not desperate to have you,\u201d he said. \u201cOtherwise, you shouldn\u2019t be going to that church.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The key for each pastor to create such a culture, DelHousaye said, is remembering whose church it is\u2014not the pastor\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf Jesus wrote a letter, it wouldn\u2019t be to Scottsdale Bible Church,\u201d he said. \u201cIt would be the letter to Arizona, to Utah, to Galatia, to Ephesus \u2026 It\u2019s the church of Jesus Christ. It\u2019s not my church.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Carter in Dallas said his strategy to prevent ghosting is to encourage deep connection: \u201cHere\u2019s the deal. If somebody is worshiping, if they\u2019re giving, if they\u2019re serving, if they\u2019re in a small group, the likelihood of their ghosting is low.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Carter\u2019s goal is to train 300 new small-group leaders this year. That includes leaders for online small groups, which meet virtually and are part of his strategy to prevent even digital ghosting. He wants to communicate that \u201cgoing\u201d to church online or even just sitting in the pews each Sunday isn\u2019t enough. \u201cWe\u2019re trying to say your commitment to Christ is not fulfilled until you\u2019re helping other people grow in their journey with him,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Risler at Central has come to the same conclusion. He said pastoring a church body of mostly mobile college students has forced him to get creative about getting people connected and serving in the church quickly. Even official church membership is not a major focus at Central.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe try to get people \u2018onboarded\u2019 pretty quickly,\u201d he said. \u201cSo people are serving \u2026 and then kind of at the end is our membership commitment.\u201d The idea is that connection breeds investment, which makes leaving without a trace harder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Every year, Risler shares what he calls the Post-it story with his congregation. Early in his tenure, he and his team were doing a \u201cSWOT analysis,\u201d an organizational tactic that explores a team\u2019s strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Risler wrote \u201ctransience\u201d on a Post-it, intending to stick it in the Weakness column. His children\u2019s ministry pastor misunderstood and placed it under Strength. They had a back-and-forth, but she won him over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe\u2019ve been given this opportunity to give people Christ, to have them experience biblical community,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019re given this short period of time, and we don\u2019t know how long that\u2019s going to be. So we really have learned to try to maximize that opportunity as much as we can.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Risler said that\u2019s Central\u2019s reality. It\u2019s also, it turns out, the story of the church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maria Baer is a CT contributing writer based in Columbus, Ohio.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n This article is a part of our fall CT Pastors issue. You can find the full issue here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/19\/2025\/10\/130752.jpg?w=162&h=88&crop=1\")
\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\tChanging Minds Is Not Our Job\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/h3>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t
A time to break down and a time to build up<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/19\/2025\/10\/130751.jpg?w=162&h=88&crop=1\")
\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\tTo Be a Pastor Is to Know Betrayal\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/h3>\n\n\t\t\t\n\t
For everything a season<\/h2>\n\n\n\n