{"id":21830,"date":"1997-04-01T00:00:00","date_gmt":"1997-04-01T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/1997\/04\/01\/staying-close-to-your-enemies-2\/"},"modified":"1997-04-01T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"1997-04-01T00:00:00","slug":"staying-close-to-your-enemies-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.christianitytoday.com\/pastors\/content\/staying-close-to-your-enemies-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Staying Close to your Enemies"},"content":{"rendered":"

\nI was in my new pastorate for less than three months when one of the founding\nlaymen took me to lunch.<\/p>\n\n

\n“It seems to me,” he started out, “and I’ve confirmed this with a number\nof other key people in the church, that you may not be the right person for\nthis job after all.” He pointed to a couple of insignificant (at least to\nme) changes I had made in the worship service that offended some people in\nour music program.<\/p>\n\n

\n“In fact,” he warned, “a growing number of people don’t like you or where\nyou’re leading the church. I’m not sure those people will remain in the church\nif you stay.”<\/p>\n\n

\nAs a pastor, I must maintain healthy relationships with all the people in\nthe church, even those with whom that is difficult. Put bluntly, “How do\nI shepherd people who don’t like me? And whom I don’t really like?”<\/p>\n\n

Resist what comes naturally<\/h2>

\nIn ministry, doing what comes naturally is often the best approach. At the\nbedside of a hospital patient, with families at a funeral, or when sharing\nthe gospel with a non-believer, my pastoral instincts usually guide me in\nthe right direction.<\/p>\n\n

\nThat’s not true, however, when it comes to pastoring difficult people. One\nof my natural responses is to distance myself from difficult people. I’ve\nlearned to make it a point to seek out difficult people and spend a few moments\ntalking together.<\/p>\n\n

\nRecently a woman in our church let it be known that, in her opinion, I had\nacted out of anger and harshness. She voiced her criticism after<\/em>\nshe had sent me a letter apologizing for her role in the issue and\ncommending me for the way I handled it!<\/p>\n\n

\nWhen I saw her at a community event a few days later, she walked past me\nwithout saying more than “Hello.” I could have let it pass and rationalized\nthat her coldness was her problem. Instead, I decided not to do what comes\nnaturally. I practically had to chase her down the hallway. When I caught\nup with her, I didn’t confront her about her actions or anger toward me;\nI engaged her in friendly conversation to make sure she knew I wanted to\nconnect with her.<\/p>\n\n

\nIt was amazing what those two minutes did. We ended up laughing about something\none of her children said that week. She hugged me as I left and gave me a\nlook that said, “Thanks for talking to me; I needed that.”<\/p>\n\n

\nEven if our contact with the person doesn’t solve the problem, it builds\na bridge rather than a wall between us. There is something positive and healing\nabout face-to-face contact with people at odds with us.<\/p>\n\n

Invite talk about sensitive subjects<\/h2>

\nThe next time I saw this woman, we were able to talk with more ease, so I\nbroached the subject of our conflict. My purpose wasn’t to make a point or\nadd another thought about the subject. I simply said, “I’ve been wondering\nhow you are processing your frustration. I want you to know that I care.”<\/p>\n\n

\nThis second contact was easier for both of us, and it communicated to her\nthat we could talk about this issue. The subject didn’t need to be avoided.<\/p>\n

\nIt’s important to let people know that even subjects of conflict can be\ndiscussed; they don’t end the relationship. I’ve had ongoing differences\nwith one couple over the style of our worship service. I’ve met with them\nto talk specifically about that issue. We continue to disagree.<\/p>\n\n

\nWe see each other regularly, and sometimes, when we are talking about something\nunrelated to worship, I will intentionally bring the subject into our\nconversation. I might casually ask, “I’ve been wondering if you have noticed\nany positive changes in the worship services lately?” Or, “Did you enjoy\nthe extra hymns we sang today?” I’m not trying to stir up controversy; I\nsimply want them to know it’s okay to talk about something we disagree on.\nWe can disagree and still work together.<\/p>\n\n

Keep private battles private<\/h2>

\nOne person had battled me repeatedly about my emphasis on evangelism. At\na business meeting, the subject of evangelism came up, and several people\nexpressed their excitement about how the church was finally reaching out.<\/p>\n\n

\nI took the opportunity to say, “Of course, there are some in the church who\ntell me that we are losing more people than we are gaining because of this\nstrong focus on evangelism.”<\/p>\n\n

\nAlmost everyone recognized that I referred to the “no evangelism” proponent.\nThe majority of the people supported our evangelism philosophy. It was clear\nmy critic was part of a shrinking minority. I had scored a major victory\non this issue, and a public one at that-or so I thought.<\/p>\n\n

\nUltimately, the statement came back to haunt me. Just as a negative political\nad campaign can generate sympathy for the opponent, so too can a public attack\nagainst someone in the church. Throughout the week following, I heard comments\nlike, “I don’t think it was fair to say what you did about Ed. He can’t be\nas opposed to evangelism as you implied.”<\/p>\n\n

\nSomeone else said, “That wasn’t appropriate to raise an issue about Ed’s\nposition when he was not present to respond.”<\/p>\n\n

\nI could support every statement I had made about Ed’s opposition to evangelism.\nThat didn’t seem to matter. Even though people didn’t agree with his position,\nthey disagreed even more with my public attack of him.<\/p>\n\n

\nThe moral is, some things are best left unsaid. Don’t make private battles\npublic.<\/p>\n\n

Practice kindness<\/h2>

\nThere is a bumper sticker that reads: “Practice random acts of kindness and\nsenseless acts of beauty.” It’s a good reminder of one of the most helpful\nlessons I’ve learned about pastoring people I find difficult to love.<\/p>\n\n

\nIt is amazing what acts of kindness can do to build bridges to people. A\nman in a former church let me know every time I failed to fulfill some\nexpectation of his. Whether returning a phone call within his prescribed\ntime limit, reciprocating a lunch invitation, or giving him an equal number\nof compliments to the ones he gave me, he seemed to keep score in a way that\nmade me the perpetual loser.<\/p>\n\n

\nI found him increasingly difficult to be around. After the Lord convicted\nme of my attitude, I began to look for ways to show him kindness.<\/p>\n\n

\nI stopped him after church one Sunday and said, “I was wondering if you might\nbe available this next week to help me work on my fly fishing.” He was an\navid fly fisherman, and I could hardly catch a weed in a stream. In the weeks\nafter our fishing outing, often he referred to our fishing lesson in\nconversations with me and others.<\/p>\n\n

\nFishing on my own sometime later, I finally caught a fish big enough to keep.\nOn the way home, I stopped by my “instructor’s” house and presented him with\nmy first big catch as a gift for helping me learn to flyfish.<\/p>\n\n

\nAnother time, I invited him to go skiing, and he asked me to show him how\nto canoe. On several outings, we talked about his need to keep score of people’s\nbehavior to make himself the winner. He eventually admitted this was negatively\naffecting his wife and his oldest son. I offered some help on how to deal\nwith it.<\/p>\n\n

When best efforts fall short<\/h2>

\nOf course, no approach to dealing with difficult people will be successful\nwith all the people all the time. In Romans 12:18, the apostle Paul said,\n“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”\nPaul recognized that not everyone will want to live at peace with us.<\/p>\n\n

\nIn a former church, one lady seemed never fully satisfied with anything I\ndid. Seldom would she tell me directly of her displeasure; I usually heard\nit through an intermediary source.<\/p>\n\n

\nI met with her and told her, “I’m unable to live up to your standards of\nperformance and expectations for my ministry. I feel as though I can’t please\nyou.” I told her that since I couldn’t, I was going to stop trying.<\/p>\n

\nShe assured me I didn’t have to please her.<\/p>\n\n

\nI responded, “So you won’t mind if I no longer concern myself with pleasing\nyou with every action and decision?”<\/p>\n\n

\nShe said she wouldn’t. This took the pressure off and diffused some of her\nconstant complaining. I shared with our elders my conversation with this\nwoman so that if her carping continued, they could address the issue with\nher directly and decisively.<\/p>\n\n

\nSometimes, of course, people leave the church. I’ve learned even here to\nopen the door of communication as much as possible.<\/p>\n\n

\nOne couple told me they could no longer support my ministry or sit under\nmy preaching. My natural response was to let them leave and not to contact\nthem. Instead, I picked up the phone and asked if I could stop by. They\nreluctantly agreed.<\/p>\n\n

\nWhen we met I told them I was not there to talk them out of their decision.\nI asked them if there were specific incidents where I had wronged or offended\nthem personally. I wanted to apologize if there were.<\/p>\n\n

\nThey said the issue was more a difference in philosophy and direction, so\nthey decided it was best to find another church. I thanked them for their\nyears of ministry at our church and invited them back anytime. Before I left\nI asked if I could pray with them.<\/p>\n\n

\nAs I walked toward the door, the wife took my hand and said, “I was surprised\nyou wanted to visit us, but I’m glad you did. Now when I see you at the\nsupermarket, I won’t have to avoid talking to you.” They may not come back\nto the church, but at least they didn’t leave with a bitter spirit.<\/p>\n\n

\nNot only are these approaches helpful in building good relationships in general,\nthey yield personal growth in my relationship with Christ. The more I seek\nto love difficult people, the more God uses them to refine me into the image\nof Christ. After all, learning to love people is one of the ways we become\nlike Christ.<\/p>\n\n

Gary Preston <\/strong>is pastor of Bethany Church\nin Boulder, Colorado.<\/p>\n

1997 by Christianity Today\/Leadership<\/em> Journal.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was in my new pastorate for less than three months when one of the founding laymen took me to lunch. “It seems to me,” he started out, “and I’ve confirmed this with a number of other key people in the church, that you may not be the right person for this job after all.” Read more…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"tax_ctp_authors":[1602],"tax_ctp_books":[],"tax_ctp_categories":[154],"tax_ctp_field_guide_subcategory":[],"tax_ctp_field_guides":[],"tax_ctp_format":[131],"tax_ctp_multimedia":[],"tax_ctp_point_editor":[],"tax_publications":[653,156,655],"tax_ctp_tags":[3666,3717,4604,4606,4608,4777,4792,5046],"tax_ctp_topics":[],"class_list":["post-21830","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tax_ctp_authors-gary-d-preston","tax_publications-1997-leadership-journal","tax_publications-leadership-journal","tax_publications-spring_1997-leadership-journal","tax_ctp_tags-conflict","tax_ctp_tags-criticism","tax_ctp_tags-pastor","tax_ctp_tags-pastors-role","tax_ctp_tags-pastoral-care","tax_ctp_tags-reconciliation","tax_ctp_tags-relationship","tax_ctp_tags-spiritual-formation"],"acf":{"scripture_references":null},"yoast_head":"\nStaying Close to your Enemies - CT Pastors<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I was in my new pastorate for less than three months when one of the founding laymen took me to lunch. 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