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Love to the Sound Guys

Top 11 reasons you appreciate your audio techs

Here at GFL, we love our congregations' sound guys and gals (henceforth, simply the gender-unneutral Sound Guy.) If we're preachers, they help us bear the word to listening ears. If we're children's ministers, they help us to amplify little voices.

Basically, without them, we'd be lost.

When we asked you, our readers, to share your own ministry leadership bloopers, we heard a lot of love for our audio tech friends. Here are the top 11 reasons you're grateful for their patient and faithful service, based on your own personal stories:

1. When our dangly earrings clickety-clack against the earpiece microphone, or our beautiful beaded necklaces scritchy-scratch the lapel mike, you gently pantomime from the back that we should take them off.

And even though we think you're vigorously tugging your ear to gesture an enthusiastic "It sounds great," we eventually will catch on.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

2. When the fancy new mike that goes over both ears and connects behind the neck proves to be too unwieldy for our "Sunday hair," you weirdly hold our hair up while we wrestle it on.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

3. When we're speaking at a women's conference about freedom in Christ, and at the same time our lapel mike finds its own freedom and plunges down the front of our shirts, you politely look away while we go fishing for it.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

4. Same when we're beside you in the control booth. When we're purposefully shoving the microphone cord in unspeakable places, or retrieving it from down under, you pretend to be checking audio levels.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

5. If we are women of color, who've been wearing that light-peach-colored ear mike for too long, you submit a purchase request for a mike which is more likely to be camouflaged against our rich skin tones.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

6. When we're miked and going about our other business–blowing our noses or using the toilet–you mute us the moment the congregation hears our personal noises over the sound system.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

7. And you do the same on the rare occasion when we're wearing the mike and behaving badly.

When accosted by a parishioner with an outrageous and unfounded complaint–and we turn to the church secretary after the person walks away to say, "That's such a bunch of #*%@"–you've had the good sense to preemptively mute us.

Because you heard the conversation.

And you know how we are.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

8. When the mike pack drops from its perilous perch against our skirt waistbands, to dangle between our legs at ankle level, you rush to help. And although you are quickly shooed away as we dart toward the nearest large object to hide behind, know we're grateful for the running and, perhaps more so, for honoring the shooing.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

9. When forced to do a quick last-minute mike exchange with a male pastor on staff, under and through draped robes, you do not use your smart phone to snap a photo of the dubious contortions and hand placement that could cost us our marriages and our ministries.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

10. When we spot you sitting in the back row, instead of at your sound booth perch, and shame you in front of hundreds for not doing your job, you humbly hold up your fancy new hi-tech iPad to let us know you actually are doing your job. From the back row.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

11. And of course, when the foam lapel mike cover goes missing, and we're searching everyplace for it, you politely pretend you don't notice that we have a third nipple protruding from beneath our blouses until we figure it out ourselves.

For this we thank you, Sound Guy.

Readers, leaders, hug a sound guy or gal today.

Leaders & readers: have you had awkward communion debacles in your congregation? Were you a witness or a perpetrator? We want to hear them! Send us yours @ clergybloopers@gmail.com

Margot Starbuck was the one who bossed the sound guy in the back row to get back to work.

June12, 2014 at 8:00 AM

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