I give thanks for the gift of friends who listen to my bald honesty without judgment and who hold the story close; for the strong circle of prayer supporters, fellow leaders most of them, who take the time to e-mail us or Skype; for our cousins who paid for our family lawyer—one of the best in Toronto. My husband and I thank him for each other—a strained prayer on the nights when I wonder why I had to marry a man who isn’t afraid to name strongholds and pull them down and my husband wonders why I ignore the significant relationship-restoration work that needs to be done before we can truly welcome the toddler.

I wish I could write that I don’t ever eat my feelings, rush to enable, play the blame game, minimize, or choose distractions over silence in God’s presence. I do. But as this process unfolds, one thing I do know: The best I bring to my leadership, to my job, is my transformed self. So I choose to let the Holy Spirit hollow me and hallow me. A new gift of grace waits.

Renee James is the communications director for Canadian Baptist Women of Ontario and Quebec and edits its award-winning magazine, Live. She blogs infrequently at ReneeJames.org.