I was on my knees one night right before going to bed. Not knowing what to say, I considered my options. I thought perhaps I could seek comfort in worship, but I didn’t really have the serenity at the moment. Neither had I the strength to pray intensely. The reason I couldn’t do that was probably because I had already done so, many times. Yet I was at the same place.
I was at that point where you keep looking back and forth thinking that you must have missed something, given your lack of comprehension. After much exploration, a sense of hopelessness inevitably surrounded me. I was completely lost and, because of it, this time was quite different from many nights. I was there on my knees venting everything that had been going on.
So there I was exposing my “arguments” to God. Along with my vivid narration of how things were turning out, I made a huge effort to prove God was in the picture. At the same time I was trying to figure out how to trust him. But how could I when this whole riddle in my mind asked what was happening and how it seemed that God wouldn’t do anything and what in the world could God expect from me. Yes, I overthink stuff just a tiny bit.
After concluding all my ventilation, I realized that I was actually having my arguments with my situation, not with God. Finally it was time to turn to God. I took a deep breath and while exhaling, I stopped looking for answers. It was time to submit my arguments to the scrutiny of my faith.
I started reminding myself who God is, and I said, “God, the timeframe of my situation and the lack of significant change are telling me that maybe you are not here, or that you haven’t listened and because of that, I am having a really hard time trusting you with it. But even though I feel this way, I will not believe it because if I believe it, I will be denying you.”
Then I started making these three statements:
“I believe that you care.”
“I believe that you love me.”
“I believe that you will take care of me.”
Then I said, “I have believed in that before and I have seen results, so I will keep on believing it no matter what.”
The affirmation of these truthful statements made me feel that even if I lost anything along the way or if I had to face whatever I fear the most, I would be all right. After I prayed like that, immediately these two words crossed my mind: “faithful” and “true.”