Q+A: Jefferson Bethke on the Spiritual Realities of Sex

Spoken-word poet and YouTube sensation Jefferson Bethke's newest video, "Behind the Pen," hasn't quite gained the momentum of January's breakout "Why I Hate Religion But Love Jesus," but at over 50,000 views in two weeks, it's definitely not slacking. From The New York Times and Nightline to the Gospel Coalition, there's been no shortage of opinions, both positive and negative, on Bethke's messages. His "Sexual Healing" poem and subsequent "Sex, Marriage and Fairytales" laid Bethke's views on gender out on the table.

The 22-year-old Washington native and Mars Hill member spoke with Her.meneutics guest writer Kate Roberts about his views on sexuality, parenting, and gender roles.

In "Sexual Healing," you address the repercussions of premarital sex. What do 20-somethings in the church get wrong about sex?

I recently read an article called "Why Young Christians Aren't Waiting Anymore," and the stats were that 88 percent of non-Christians adults have had sex, while Christians were 80 percent. There is only an 8 percent difference, which is really staggering when you think about it. What Christians are missing out on, what everyone is missing out on, is the depth of sex, the spiritual layers God created it to have, rather than just two bodies slamming together. Sex is suppose to be a picture of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual nakedness—seeing the other person just how they are and still saying, "I accept you, I want you, I want to become one with you." And you continually [have sex] to renew that covenant to [say], "We're one," which is ultimately a picture of what we are with Christ.

How do your views on masculinity inform this poem and your broader teachings about sex?

There are a few distortions that men fall into with sex, and the first is, "It's all about me." Pornography has trained almost every guy in America to think that sex is for [men] completely: All about me, all about my desires, and the girl is simply an object. That's a disease today.

In order to define your masculinity, you have to see how Jesus defined masculinity because he was a man, he gave himself up fully for others' needs. That is how true masculinity should inform sexuality, ultimately in a marriage, being the first one to reveal your nakedness spiritually, emotionally, and mentally to your wife; wanting to serve rather than take from her. You pursue, you lay down your life, you elevate the woman above yourself. Masculinity is not putting yourself above anyone, it's putting yourself under everyone and lifting everyone else up.

At one point in the poem you state, "Take a rape victim for example … ruin her life," drawing an analogy between sex outside of marriage and rape. Could you elaborate on that?

That line got a little misinterpreted. Some people thought I was comparing premarital sex to rape, which I wasn't necessarily doing. I was saying that sex is deeper than just physical, because any other type of violent crime, even though it will leave some emotional stress, only leaves physical marks. Yet most rape victims would say [the damage] goes way beyond that. I've read testimonies where [rape victims] just continue to shower because they feel so dirty and contaminated. All I was saying is that there is something happening on a spiritual level when sex happens, and the grotesque damage of rape shows that it goes to that deep level.

At a conference where I did that poem live, there was a 16-year-old girl who broke down because she had been date raped at age 15 and never realized the healing and transformation that Jesus could bring. "I'm trying to clean my body when it's the soul and the spirit Jesus is after," she said.

Later you bring yourself into the poem, saying that if there's one thing you learned from your dad, it's "Leave the mom, ditch the baby." What are fathers' roles in teaching sexuality?

I see them teaching it horribly. Dads sometimes think they have to play the "manly card." It's terrible when the mom is the one calling the son or daughter to purity, and the dad is like, "Whatever, go get busy." There's a correlation between fatherlessness and the deep insecurity of this generation, which plays itself out in sex—that's my opinion. A lot of times when I talk to people on a personal level, [they] say they continually pursue sex because they are ridiculously insecure because Dad never told them they were loved. If our dads aren't around or if our parents don't teach us in a healthy biblical way, then MTV or our neighbor or porn is going to.

How do you define biblical masculinity and biblical gender roles more broadly?

That's a big question. I might just have to write a book on that one, or point to books. I would say proper biblical role for genders—I am completely complementarian. I believe God created the genders 100 percent equal, but God created us with different roles, and to go outside of that is to go outside of Scripture, because ultimately gender roles are a shadow of who God is, especially with us. From a basic, biblical stance, I would say biblical masculinity says elevate everyone else above yourself. Proper femininity is one called to respond—it's not about shutting up and submitting, it's about the wife being elevated above the man and the wife flourishing just like the church flourishes.

if you want proper gender roles, I point to Jesus and the church. So if you want to know what I think proper femininity is, what is the church's role? And if you want to know what proper masculinity is, what is Jesus' role?