A Powerful Tool

I’m always staggered by how fast my reflex is to defend myself or justify my position. Or to talk back fast before anyone can get another word in. Or to respond in anger. But James advises: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (1:19).

It is not easy to open your ears and close your mouth. It is not easy to sit at the table and let a friend talk and talk and really try to understand. It is not easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Yet listening is one of the most powerful tools we have when it comes to defusing a hard conversation. Making someone feel heard helps take the sting out of their frustration and opens the door for dialogue. Defending yourself adds fuel to the fire; listening to someone helps put it out.

Are we willing to listen before we defend ourselves, to hear before we justify ourselves, to reflect before we respond? This is not an easy thing—but it is a necessary thing.

When I’ve done all that I believe I can in a difficult relationship, I have been known to tell God, Well, I’m done, as I pat myself on the back for giving it such a good go. But God has consistently insisted that there is no “done” when it comes to sacrificial love. There is only “more.” More changing. More bending. More willingness to be open. More choosing to stay instead of cutting loose and quitting. More listening.

Lisa-Jo Baker is the bestselling author of Never Unfriended and the community manager for (in)courage. Connect with her at @lisajobaker. Portions of these devotions have been excerpted or adapted from Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendship © Lisa-Jo Baker (B&H Publishing Group, 2017). Used by permission, all rights reserved. www.neverunfriended.com.