Sign up for our free newsletter:

My wife, Dee, and I were walking along the hills by the shore not far from our home in Vancouver, British Columbia. Dee was pregnant with Joel, our third child, and I was pulling our two young daughters, Hannah and Sarah, in their red wagon. We'd had a wonderful day and I was so happy about our family that I was bouncing on my toes and swinging my arms at my sides.

As we came to the crest of a long, steep hill, I hopped into the rickety wagon behind Hannah and Sarah, grabbed the black steel handle and with several powerful kicks sent us careening down the narrow sidewalk. I was whooping and laughing, the girls were squealing and cheering me on. The wind whipped our faces and whistled past our ears. We bounced around as the wagon rattled and whizzed down the hill. We could barely hang on! Finally, we came to level ground and coasted to a halt.

When my pregnant wife caught up with us, I knew something was wrong. In as calm a tone as she could muster, Dee pointed out that our wild wagon ride was, well, pretty dangerous. As we talked through the situation, my wife's gentle perspective helped me remember that I need to consider the safety of my actions, no matter how fun the idea seems.

I'm proactive about trying to be a good parent, but I also readily admit that much of my improvement as a dad is because of Dee. She has made me a better father.

Change Your Perspective
Every parent, whether it's Mom or Dad, wants to be the best parent possible. If you're looking for ways to support your husband's efforts to be an even better father, start with the biases about fathering that you've developed over the years. That takes some understanding of your relationship to your own father.

You may not realize it, but your dad profoundly affects the way you view your husband's approach to fathering. If you have negative memories of your dad, you may not completely trust your husband to care for your kids. If your father wasn't a very involved parent, you may find yourself giving your husband detailed instructions for even the simplest parenting tasks. Maybe you had a very supportive, loving father. Even that can lead to some frustration if your husband doesn't measure up to the standard set by your dad.

In addition, the simple fact that you and your husband are two separate people—representing different genders—means you're likely to come at parenting from vastly different perspectives. You've undoubtedly faced these conflicting perspectives in other areas of your marriage, from finances to the kind of toothpaste you use. But because parenting involves something so much more valuable, kids really bring these differences to the surface.

Keep in mind that children really do benefit from the combination of your strengths and your husband's. When you watch your husband spend time with your kids, look for the unique ways he helps them grow. Maybe his "big kid" approach—climbing trees, playing backyard football, wrestling in the living room—gives them a needed physical outlet for all their energy. Maybe his quiet confidence calms them in the midst of hectic days. It's likely that his way of parenting isn't better or worse than yours, simply different.

If you've got concerns about some of the ways your husband parents—maybe he raises his voice too much, maybe he tends to emphasize performance over effort—it's important to be clear about your expectations. That begins with listening to your husband, not talking. Ask your husband why he does what he does. Ask him about his father's parenting style. It's OK to say, "Here's my idea of what a father is like," but don't present your idea as the only way to be a father. Ask your husband what he thinks, and be open to his ideas about raising kids.

Learn to Let Go
There's no question that dads can learn a lot from moms. One of the greatest things moms do is watch and anticipate. Moms are usually right there to solve a problem before it even occurs.

But that anticipation can sometimes be a problem for dads who want to be great fathers. When Pam and David had their first child, Pam taught David how to change diapers, how to hold the baby, how to feed him, dress him and talk to him.

David, wanting to be involved in nurturing his new son, did his best to follow Pam's instructions. But when David held the baby, the baby's head sometimes rolled and bobbed; Pam would run over to intervene. When David changed the baby's diapers, they often bulged and gapped; Pam complained and refastened them. During feedings, she hovered, making sure David held the bottle correctly and burped their son at the right intervals.

Sure, Pam communicated her deep commitment to her child, but David heard another, less supportive message: "I know your intentions are good, but I just don't trust you with our baby."

Your husband probably won't handle every situation like you would, but unless your child is in actual danger, do your best to resist jumping in. Children are incredibly resilient and will survive the parenting mistakes both you and your husband make.

Look for the Good
Even if you and your husband have compatible parenting styles, you can still offer him something that will benefit both of you: Honor. Honoring means watching your words—both to your husband and about him in front of your children. Like everyone else, dads need praise and affirmation. Look for things your husband is doing right and point them out. He'll be more likely to continue doing them.

It's essential for children to see—and hear—their parents honoring each other as well. When Mom puts Dad down—"Your dad can't do anything right!"—the kids are likely to lose respect for him. Since they love their dad, they'll be confused by your seeming dislike of him. And as they get older, the odds are good that they'll repeat the same pattern of putting their dad—and you—down. That's a home life no parent wants.

Honor extends to the decisions your husband makes. One day, Kathy spent all morning in a battle of wills with her son. When her husband, Robert, walked in the door for lunch, she expected him to restore order: "He's your son, and you need to get this situation resolved."

Robert listened to his son's side of the story and sent him to his room as punishment. But when Robert came home that evening, he discovered that his wife had overruled him and grounded the boy for a week. Because of incidents like these, parenting continued to be a negative experience for Robert and he gradually withdrew from his children.

Parenting truly is a team effort, and families work best when Mom and Dad determine rules, consequences and rewards together. Talking about how the two of you will handle discipline benefits the whole family. You don't bear the sole responsibility for doling out consequences. Dad remains involved in the children's character development, and the kids have a clear understanding of how to behave and what will happen when they don't.

Still, it can be hard to praise and support your husband when you're frequently frustrated by his parenting style. If that's the case, try to calmly offer feedback. Instead of saying "John, you shouldn't yell at the kids," try something like: "When you raised your voice to Joey, I noticed that he really turned pale. He may have taken your words harder than you intended."

Finally, remember that one of the most important things you can do in helping your husband become an even better father is to spend time praying for him. Pray that your husband will overcome the obstacles that can alienate a father from his children; pray that God will continue to guide your husband as he seeks to be the father God would have him be; pray that God will use you as an instrument of encouragement in your husband's life.

In my work at the National Center for Fathering, I've seen that moms really do have an impact on the way men care for their children. In a recent survey, we asked thousands of men, "Who has helped you the most in your fathering?" Some answered "my father" or "my pastor." But the most frequent answer was "my wife." We also asked, "Who helps you overcome the struggles you face as a father?" The No. 1 answer was, again, "my wife."

On behalf of all us fathers, thank you! Even if we aren't always good at telling you, we really do appreciate all you do—for us and for our children.

Ken Canfield is founder and president of the National Center for Fathering and the author of several books on fathers, including Beside Every Great Dad (Tyndale) and Spiritual Secrets of Faithful Fathers (Beacon Hill Press). He and his wife, Dee, have been married 23 years and have five children.

	We'd really like to know what you think about this article!
	Is this the kind of article you'd like to see more of? Is there a topic you'd like us to cover? Please send your response to

				Try Today's Christian Woman Free! Name Street Address City/State/Zip E-mail Address No credit card required. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Offer valid in U.S. only. If you decide you want to keep Today's Christian Woman coming, honor your invoice for just $17.95 and receive five more issues, a full year in all. If not, simply write "cancel" across the invoice and return it. The trial issue is yours to keep, regardless. Give Today's Christian Woman as a gift Order a gift subscription!

FREE MOMsense Newsletter Subscribe to the MOMsense Newsletter    RSS Feed   RSS Help