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Q: How do I explain our blended-family relationship to my preschooler? She wonders why she doesn't have a stepmom like her half-sisters do. And we struggle with establishing consistent rules since our stepchildren are living in two homes.

A: Living in a blended family, where the kids live with a stepparent at least part of the time, can often be difficult for preschoolers to understand. Life is different; people may be unfamiliar; the rules may not make sense.

Blended-family issues for children normally come from the questions they have and the experiences they need to make sense of and process. However, a parent who has thought through these matters can help her children understand, accept and work well within the blended-family context. Following are some ideas to assist you:

1. First, realize your preschooler is working from a simple design in her mind: one home with two parents who love each other. That's the ideal, the way that life was meant by God to work. This doesn't mean you can't have a happy kid flourishing in a happy blended family. People live this way all the time. But it helps to understand your child has an internal map—a way things "should be" in her mind. You're there to help her adapt, adjust and flourish with the way things "really are," as most people have to do in their life. This process needs to be done gradually, with patience and support.

2. Next, make sure her basic relational and emotional needs are being met in the best way possible. She needs to receive grace, security, empathy, structure, predictability and clear rules. Kids often ask "why" questions because they're feeling afraid or insecure. The more you provide her with an environment that's good for her, the more she'll get involved in the activities and tasks of her preschool life.

3. At the same time, however, it helps to explain things to her in a way she can understand at her developmental level. Answers combined with good experiences can do wonders. To help her understand the stepmom situation, answer her question in a simple fashion.

Say something such as, "Your sisters call me Stepmom because they have another mom who's had them since they were born. I haven't had them since they were born, so I'm their stepmom. But your dad and I love them both very much. I've had you since you were born, so I'm your mom. And Dad and I love you very much, too."

Most of the time, this provides a little coat rack on which a child can organize her thoughts, and then can go on with her life. If she persists, however, and doesn't seem to understand, see if she's feeling scared or insecure or wonders if you might leave her or distance yourself from her. Sometimes a child's curiosity is more about being afraid.

Your concern about not having consistent rules between your stepkids' households is really important. When kids live between two houses, the most common conflict arises over the fact one provides structure while the other provides freedom. Kids need the appropriate amounts of both structure and freedom for their age and lifestyle. There really is a "right way" and a "wrong way" to do this. Too much structure can dishearten your child. And too much freedom can cause chaos inside him.

As much as possible, the two "exes" need to coparent to foster their child's growth. The "exes" may need to have mediators, counselors or pastors involved in their conversations and negotiations. This step is so important and significant. Our book Boundaries with Kids (Zondervan, 1998) has some guidelines to help you.

You also may be in a situation in which the values of the other household are not healthy and aren't going to change for whatever reason. The natural reaction is to move to the other extreme. If your stepkids' other home is without consistent rules, you may want to tighten up more to balance things out. This would be a mistake. They'll now have two extreme realities of home in their mind.

It's far better to become the most loving, structured, balanced, healthy and godly family environment possible. Then they'll have one extreme model that doesn't work well and one healthy working model in their mind. This gives them a place of sanity and health they can draw from for years to come.

Blended families need a lot of support, wisdom and grace. But they can and do work well! Remember, the church is comprised of a bunch of stepkids grafted into God's family (Romans 11:17-22). And God has all you need to do this well.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend are counselors and the authors of many books—including Raising Great Kids, Boundaries, and Mom Factor—as well as the hosts of the syndicated national radio program "New Life Live." You can experience the wit, wisdom and understanding of Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend weekly through the Monday Night Solutions Tape Club. Each week you will receive an exceptional live audio recording by the doctors mailed to your home. Their biblical solutions for relationships and life's challenges will help you invest in the future of those you love, so enroll today! For more information or for a complete list of their extensive resources and speaking engagements, call (800) 676-HOPE or visit their Web site at www.cloudtownsend.com.

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