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Q. Both of us are expressive people and when it comes to anger, we don't hold much back. We've come to accept that, but lately it seems that anger is rearing its head too often in our young marriage. How do we keep anger from becoming a problem?
Kim H.
Santa Monica, California

A. Marriage and anger go together. Any relationship can generate considerable anger, but a typical marriage relationship often generates more anger than any other. The sheer amount of time spent together creates more opportunity for anger to erupt. In addition, we let our guard down with the ones we love more than we do with others. This creates opportunity not only for more intimacy but also for more frustration and anger.

But while anger comes part and parcel with most marriages, it should not be given free license. Anger without limits leads to terrible destruction. Anger must be reined in and controlled.

Successful anger management begins with recognizing that anger is a natural human experience. You aren't a bad spouse just because you feel anger toward your partner. According to marriage expert David Mace, we are not responsible for being angry, only for how we respond to and use anger once it appears. The apostle Paul understood this when he said, "In your anger do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). God created us with a capacity to experience potent emotions, including the passion of anger.

With this understanding in place, recognize and admit your anger. Most of us want to deny the presence of anger to control it. But that never works. Repressed anger has a high rate of resurrection. So 'fess up.

Once you have admitted your anger, release your vindictiveness. We fool ourselves into believing that the only way to obtain satisfaction from being offended is to repay evil for evil. Once we become consumed with balancing the score, anger takes center stage in our marriage and is destined to do damage. So practice what Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount: "Turn the other cheek" (Matt. 5:38-48). Paul said in Romans 12:17: "Never pay back evil for evil." This practical principle releases revenge and is an insurance policy against resentment.

In addition to "cheek turning," here are a few more tips for keeping anger from ruling the roost:

Be specific with your anger. Exactly what is ruffling your feathers? Say, "I'm angry because … "

Return to the issue when you are calm. It is amazing what thirty minutes can do to help you collect your thoughts and diminish your anger.

Don't allow your anger to build up until you erupt like a volcano. Deal with your hurts as they arise, one at a time.

Listen. Once you acknowledge your anger, listen to your spouse and receive any explanation of apology that may be offered.

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