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Five years ago, Christian singer/songwriter Sara Groves just wanted to be left alone by the big scary world. And by God.
She'd given birth to her first child, a son Sara and her husband, Troy, named Kirby. And while the adventure into motherhood brought the usual joys to this now 33-year-old woman, it also brought fear, as did a series of tragic events that followed this milestone. In the midst of loss and pain, Sara sought iron-clad promises of safety for her child—and found none.
And so began Sara's wrestling match with the big questions of the Christian faith. The result was a year-long tailspin, during which Sara rarely read her Bible and often felt mired in anger, bitterness, and fear.
"One day in frustration, I said to God, 'Jonah—what was that about?'" Sara explains. "'You chase the man down, and you get him swallowed by a fish. He doesn't want to go to Nineveh.' At the time, I felt like that. I was tired, filled with questions and fears. I felt swallowed up by a big tour bus. Sometimes I didn't want to go minister to people, either. 'Leave Jonah alone,' I told God. 'And, by the way, leave me alone, too.'"
This was a surprising turn of events for the "good girl" who had become a Christian at age four, released five critically acclaimed Christian albums, and had made a name for herself with faith-affirming lyrics on hits such as "First Song That I Sing," "All Right Here," and "How Is It Between Us."
Today, sitting at the kitchen table in her suburban Minneapolis home, sipping coffee from a pottery mug, Sara talks openly about that difficult season she now considers a gift. As Kirby, now five, and his younger brother, Toby, two, wander in and out of the kitchen quoting lines from Disney's Tarzan movie, Sara tears up. Her renewed passion for God's kingdom—and our role in it—is obvious. The lyrics on her sixth Christian album, Add to the Beauty (INO), released late last year, and the phrase on her T-shirt both hint at where she's landed two years after her "dark night of the soul": Free to be you and me.
What happened after Kirby was born that triggered your questioning?
Several of my close friends and family members experienced tragic losses. Bringing my vulnerable baby into such a scary world terrified me. I was so worn out from a rigorous touring schedule, I had no reserves left to handle this struggle. I became paralyzed by fear.
Fear of what?
So many "what ifs." I worried about the end of the world and how bacteria are getting stronger and are immune to more antibiotics. I worried about computer hackers who could steal my identity and buy weapons of mass destruction with my Visa.
When I had Kirby, my worry expanded to include abductions, food allergies, and the pond in our backyard. I feared something would happen to him. I'd always told the Lord, "Your will, not mine. Take me, make me, break me." But when Kirby was born, it seemed impossible to say "Take him, make him, break him." I didn't trust God at that level. Death was the source of tremendous fear—not just my death, but my son's death, my husband's death.
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