If your church has adult small groups, chances are the people in those groups are not passing “do-you-like-me?” notes or punching the people next to them. But there’s a good chance that some or all of the groups have problem people. Whether you would like for folks to stop or start certain behaviors, there are three major approaches that can be effective in small group settings.
First, the behaviorist approach uses reinforcement (both negative and positive) to change behavior. It is extrinsic, immediate, and efficient. Second, a human relations approach uses cooperative relationship to adjust behavior. It is intrinsic, internally sanctioned, but—like relationships—it takes time. The last approach is pedagogical. This is a proactive approach that avoids potential issues by adjusting the physical environment and being intentional about our teaching methods.
Let’s look at how three common types of problem people could be addressed with each of these approaches.
The talker who dominates conversation:
Behaviorist: Approach this person during a break and tell him that you really want him to limit his contributions so others feel welcome to participate.
Human Relations: Have the group agree to basic guidelines for participation and the consequences for failing to follow those guidelines. For example, you may decide that everyone gets two or three chances to contribute. Then at least two others must contribute before the same person may speak again. The key is that the group cooperatively establishes and sanctions the guidelines. Establishing limits can feel awkward, but it can help your group flourish.
Pedagogical: Create an environment in which your group members are all encouraged to participate. For example, ask a question that requires each member to respond or interact with a partner. Move yourself so that you are sitting immediately next to the talker. There is something about sitting next to the leader that can influence how much she will listen and talk.
The critic who repeatedly challenges you:
Behaviorist: Speak to the critic during a break and advise him that he is welcome to stay in the group if he will refrain from making critical, sarcastic, or belittling statements. If he continues, you will ask him to leave the group until he can be less critical. This is negative reinforcement.
Human Relations: Talk with this person over coffee and investigate why she is so critical. Often there is a deeper reason for the critical spirit that will only surface in a trust-based relationship.
Pedagogical: Invite the critic to prepare a session that explains his perspective and lead the group. Teaching is a humbling process, and your critic’s attitude may change when he is required to prepare and teach.
The bored member who sits in silence with arms crossed:
Behaviorist: Rewards for any evidence of attention or interest will help. Smile and thank her for coming. Meet the slightest appearance of participation with praise and encouragement.
Human Relations: Find out what his hobbies are and use those as illustrations in your lesson. Better yet, have him explain his hobby to the group before you use it as a metaphor. Get to know what kind of coffee he enjoys and bring him a special brew the next time you meet.
Pedagogical: Consider the possibility that the group member is bored because your group is actually boring. Change the setting, meet in a new place, change your routine and methods. Use video clips or play a game. Invite a special guest—maybe someone the bored person admires—to speak. Make it difficult for anyone to be bored in your small group.
As leaders and teachers, we fail the people we lead and teach if we simply avoid or ignore addressing these issues when they surface in our ministries. But dealing with problems constructively helps us reach our goal of restoration and growth.
—Larry Lindquist is assistant professor of pastoral ministry and evangelism at Denver Seminary.
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