LEADERSHIP asked Janet Omaits, a therapist with the Minirth-Meier Clinic West in Seattle, Washington, to answer common questions pastors and lay people ask about childhood sexual abuse. Janet specializes in helping adolescents and adults recover from the trauma of sexual abuse.
How extensive is child sexual abuse today?
A large part of my practice is working with victims of sexual abuse. Statistics say that as many as 38 percent of all women, by the time they reach eighteen years old, have been abused. The figure is between 20-30 percent for men. Sadly, the incidence of child sexual abuse is roughly the same in our churches.
What is sexual abuse?
In his book, The Wounded Heart, Dan Allender breaks down sexual abuse into two categories: sexual contact and sexual interaction. Sexual contact is any kind of physical touch aimed at arousing physical or psychological desire in the victim and/or the perpetrator.
Sexual interactions-those not involving touch-are harder to identify but include anything that is seductive or suggestive in nature. Threats or verbal sexual abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Any time an adult uses a child or adolescent for sexual stimulation or even to sexually stimulate the victim, sexual abuse is occurring.
Why is it difficult for the church to discuss sexual abuse?
Part of it has to do with a natural modesty about the subject of sexuality. When the subject is broached, many people feel overwhelmed, although denial also can be an issue. By denying that the abuse happened or that abuse can happen, both people and institutions avoid this painful subject. They refuse to confront their fears and the damage abuse causes to victims.
Ignorance is also part of the problem. Many people have a hard time identifying with the trauma of sexual abuse. And then there’s also the image issue. If a church openly discusses the problem of sexual abuse, some fear it will tarnish the ideal of what the church is supposed to be. The problem can be likened to a family who pretends that Uncle George didn’t really molest one of the nieces, so everyone still gets together for Thanksgiving to preserve the “family” image.
Can adults who were abused as children have no memory of it?
Certainly. Chronic depression, nightmares, anxiety symptoms, panic attacks, migraine headaches and insomnia-these are some common experiences of adults who have been sexually abused as a child. Often these repressed experiences first emerge in dreams. Then, in God’s timing, the memories begin to work their way into conscious awareness. Some remember it all along; they’ve just chosen to keep it a secret because they feel ashamed and dirty, blaming themselves.
Is emotional healing possible for abuse victims?
Like the death of someone we love or the betrayal by a close friend, abuse is a loss that can never be undone.
However, we can go through stages of integrating that experience into our lives in a healthy way, coming to accept that it happened and yet being able to go on with life. This is what I would call the healing process. While the experience can’t be erased, significant healing can take place.
The healing process, though, often becomes short-circuited when the abuse is repressed, when denial that it happened sets in, or when the person disassociates himself or herself from the experience with, for example, amnesia. This person, then, gets stuck in either shock, anger, sadness or another stage of grief. The trauma needs to be processed in a safe relationship.
Do abused juveniles run a greater risk of becoming abusers themselves?
Yes. Abusing others is a way of acting out their anger at what happened to them. Someone did this terrible act to them, and now they view abuse as the only available avenue to express their rage. This is why getting immediate help for an abused child is so important.
What are the thoughts of a child who has been violated?
A young child will often feel certain things but have no concept of what has happened to them. However, a child can tell the difference between normal love and lust. Just as we can sense the difference, so can they, but they can’t label it as such. They don’t know whether what happened is right or wrong; they just know it’s strange. Something is wrong.
When the perpetrator says, “Don’t tell anybody; it’s our secret,” or “If your mommy finds out, you’ll have to go away and can never come back,” fear and shame enters the child’s life.
Once the child says, “Stop, I don’t want to do that anymore,” but is forced by the adult to continue, they experience a loss of power. They no longer feel safe and, as a result, lose the ability to construct and enforce personal boundaries.
Because an element of pleasure is sometimes involved, the child can feel guilty. Children who divulge what has happened are often scolded by their parents with phrases such as, “Why did you let your brother do that to you?” That’s one of the worst possible responses. It reinforces the false notion that the abuse was the child’s fault.
What’s the likelihood of a child making false allegations?
I believe children are much more likely to hide or minimize sexual allegations than make false ones. If a child was found to make false allegations, I would want to understand why and how it came about, to help the child with his or her sense of reality and truth.
There are professionals who are carefully trained to interview children, gently coaxing them to tell their experience without “putting words in their mouths.”
What effect does child sexual abuse have on adolescents?
Victims of sexual abuse often feel, “I’m already ruined, so what difference does it make if I have further sexual activity?” Teenagers who feel this way can act out shameful behavior-what Freud called “repetition compulsion”-like promiscuity in dating relationships. Some may avoid dating, feeling uneasy and unsafe in a normal relationship with the opposite sex.
Where do you begin to help a child through such a terrible ordeal?
The two primary problems with which abused children struggle are a sense of betrayal and a sense of powerlessness. First and foremost, then, I try to help them see the abuse wasn’t their fault, that they didn’t have control over the situation, so they aren’t responsible for what happened. Next, I affirm their need for safety. They need to feel that they will be protected. I tell their parents never to leave them with new people they’ve not met before.
I help them redraw their personal limits so they can say, “No, don’t do that.” I help them see that they aren’t powerless, that they do have choices. Telling the story, feeling all the feelings is important to understand the abuse and to heal from its trauma.
How does abuse affect their view of God?
Many abuse victims are angry with God, asking “Where were you?” or “Why didn’t you stop it?” They feel God should have sent a lightning bolt and killed the person rather than letting the act happen. They feel he is a bad God.
To help them, I begin with their true feelings toward God and build from there. It’s the starting point of rebuilding their faith. Remember, God knows exactly how they are feeling. Allowing them to express their anger in prayer is much better than their saying, “I’m not talking to God anymore.”
Through Scripture and prayer I help victims see the reality of God’s love for them through the stages of their grief. I emphasize that we live in an evil world. I stress God’s understanding of their pain, and his provision for us through Christ.
What are some common-sense steps churches should take to ensure the safety of their children?
I would begin by setting up a system to screen volunteers, particularly those who work in the nursery or with young children. I would insist on a system of accountability that would not leave any adult alone with small children or allow them much privacy. I personally favor couples working together.
If an adolescent wants to work with children, particularly a boy, I would ask the simple question, “Why?” References are appropriate, as is supervision.
Education is also important-teaching parents to teach their children about “good touching” and “bad touching” and how to respond. Because sexual abuse occurs at young ages, we can’t wait for the school system to educate our children. Excellent materials-which aren’t offensively explicit-are available to teach personal boundaries and safety measures.
The job of the church is to provide a victim with a sense of safety and an environment to build a strong self-esteem.
– Janet Omaits is a therapist at Minirth-Meier Clinic West in Seattle, Washington.
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