“This is probably no surprise to you, Pastor, but the board has decided to ask for your resignation.” Frank, the board chairman John had always considered his friend, now looked cold and distant.
“Well, it is a surprise,” John stammered, feeling his pulse quicken and his face flush. “This is the first inkling I’ve had of any problem. There must be some mistake, Frank!”
“No mistake. We expect your resignation at the board meeting Wednesday night. We’ll give you a month to vacate the parsonage and three months severance pay. Are there any questions?”
There were lots of questions racing through his mind, but John heard himself whisper, “No, I guess not.”
This not-so-good-bye scenario is repeated in hundreds of pastors’ lives every month. Like John, they are often caught off guard and retreat in anguished silence, not knowing how to cope.
At some point, however, they must deal with their fear, their sense of failure, their anger. I’d like to suggest an approach for tying up the common loose ends after a painful parting.
Coming to closure
“The thing that hurts worst is the feeling of betrayal and powerlessness,” John said in our counseling session. “I’ve given my best years to those people and thought they were my friends. I still don’t really know what happened.”
That bewilderment and lack of closure inflicts the most lasting damage after a forced farewell. The loose ends need to be tied up so they don’t get snagged on the next rough surface.
Rather than simply withdrawing into angry silence, a pastor can take a more assertive posture, which may not reverse the decision of the board, but may initiate emotional and spiritual closure for the pastor and his family.
The keys are overcoming fear and using effective, straightforward communication. At John’s meeting with the board, rather than a vitriolic attack or a passive acquiescence, John had every right to some answers.
“Needless to say, I am stunned and deeply hurt by your request for my resignation. The truth is it has taken me totally by surprise. At this point I need your help. It’s hard enough to go through this, but it would really be sad not to learn something from it. Maybe I haven’t been listening, but quite honestly I missed the signals. I need you to review for me specific problems.”
Frank seemed to be the designated hitter. “John, we don’t intend to rehash . . .”
“Wait, Frank. I don’t feel understood right now. I’m not trying to defend myself or blame anyone. This is a life-shaking experience for Ann and me. I have no intention of sweeping this under the rug. I don’t think it’s good for the church either. Now, maybe each of you could just give me some valuable help in understanding myself better. Sam, what is your earliest recollection of some negative vibrations?”
Taking Frank out of the picture may help the process. Choose the least adversarial person available.
Recognize, however, that some individuals will not likely give you a straight answer. I talked to a board chairman of a prominent church that had sent their pastor to Marble Retreat for counseling. He assured me they had no intention of asking for his resignation but hoped they could help him develop better relational skills.
“No decision will be made on his position for nine to twelve months,” he announced benevolently. Four weeks later he asked for the pastor’s resignation. When I challenged him by phone, he denied having ever made such a statement. I’m reasonably sure neither I nor the pastor could have squeezed any useful information from him. Furthermore he negotiated a gag rule into the severance package.
It may be that in a group context individuals are intimidated into silence. John might have had better luck approaching Sam or any of the others in private.
Wherever or whenever, asking those questions is important for closure.
Parting in peace, if possible
Another common loose end: unresolved conflict. John told me about the ongoing tension with his music minister that eventually contributed to his termination. So often Christians attempt forgiveness without ever having identified the hurt. In tying up the loose ends of unresolved conflict, both are crucial.
John rehearsed what he might need to say to the music minister.
“Tim, since I’m leaving, I’d like very much to resolve the conflict we’ve felt. I probably need your forgiveness, and I want to be forgiving, but it’s hard to put my finger on how I’ve hurt you. Please help me understand your perspective on our disagreements.”
That sounded pretty good to me. We worked hard at not becoming defensive as Tim lists his complaints. We practiced “shifting into neutral,” to really listen and avoid justifying ourselves or blaming the other person.
It’s also important to remember that agreement is not the goal-you may never agree-yet you can come to understand his perspective and genuinely empathize.
Grieving the loss
Whether you leave a ministry under duress or in totally positive circumstances, there is a death: the end of a dream, the breaking of relationships, even the leaving of physical things. All require some letting go.
A last farewell, a hug, a walk along a cherished path, a final dinner, a touch, and, at times, some tears.
John and Ann announced one day, “We’ve decided to have a funeral. It’s about time we buried this thing. We and the kids are all going to write something about what we’ll miss and how we feel.” Ann said, “I’m going to sing a song of farewell, and John’s going to lead the graveside service.”
“Graveside service?” I was curious.
“Yes. We’re going to dig a hole in the woods where we picnic and put what we’ve written in a box for burial. Then we’ll agree not to dig up the past again. We can celebrate the good, bury the dead, and move on to embrace life.”
And so they did. I think that was a good step. After bringing closure, they were free to reinvest their energy into new areas. Dusting off their sandals symbolically freed them. With heads held high, they could now walk with neither guilt, grief, nor gall into the next village.
-Louis McBurney
Marble Retreat
Marble, Colorado
Copyright © 1993 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
